thoughts on blogging

Not many people read my blog. I mean... I think I can count on one hand the people that actually read it. I'm just glad that someone is reading it, I suppose. I noticed in my last post that I was referring to people in nicknames, kinda. I think this is possibly because one of Froms' (hahaha) students found her blog and BLACKMAILED her with it! Can you believe that? A sixth grader!!! She threatened her saying, "I guess I'll be getting a good grade on the next test." I was in shock. It is still shocking to me! I do not know where kids get this sense of entitlement. Are they modeling after their parents? And if so, how come their parents haven't put them in check?!

Anyway... now that I got that out... I can get back to my thoughts on blogging. I've been reading a couple people's blogs lately. Strangers. *gasp* It was interesting, but what might be the most interesting aspect of it all, is that I feel like I know them. There is so much that you can ascertain about someone from reading about their thoughts. I've actually even passed judgement on them as well!! They've had pictures of themselves in their blogs which of course is necessary to keep my interest. Through reading their blogs, I've decided whether I would like them as people or not. I don't know what to make of this, except for the fact that I have too much free time at work.

It makes me wonder what a stranger could/would gather from my blog. Is my blog a better representation of me than what I present on a daily basis? Is my blog a correct representation of me? Am I a likeable person through my blog? Hmm...

week in summary - the good

I don't know when my week became decidedly "good". Perhaps it was just a blur until Friday. Friday I got to see P for the first time in what seems to be awhile. We had a late dinner/snack at Panache and then stayed there for the rest of the evening. Well, Roomie and I stayed, and P went to Play for Tito's birthday party. I've never met anyone named Tito, I guess I missed my chance.

So, Roomie might have a Chinese boyfriend soon! She intrigued him with her Pocky offering and then impressed him with her Chinese vocabulary. I'm really excited for her and Friday was fun. Panache had an interesting crowd and HT-approved music, not the best, but dance-able. While we were out that night, P ran into one of her friends. Turns out, the friend wanted to get me drinks all night. It was kind of odd, and of course I didn't take full advantage of her offer because I didn't (still don't) even know her name! Her boyfriend was one of two guys which we deemed "the hip hop moguls" because they were wearing track suits and HUGE gold chains. They were all nice, but I think it was apparent that their agenda was just to floss. The DJ never played the current roomie theme song, which we requested continually, but I think we were satisfied, especially since a fight broke out at precisely the minute we were trying to leave.

I was worried that I would be too tired to be hype for the Clipse concert on Saturday night since I had to work from 1-9 that day, but work was pretty good. I took the middle school girls to hang out in Silver Spring. We went to the library for about 10 minutes so that one of them could get some reading material, then we went to Coldstone and enjoyed our ice cream on the huge astroturf lawn. We lounged there for a bit and then headed to Whole Foods for an early dinner. It was a peaceful day and pretty much all I could have asked for in terms of a Saturday afternoon (Ok... I had secretly hoped to go do the paddle boats at the Tidal Basin or visit the National Geographic Museum, but maybe another time...). It was relaxing for all of us, which was important since this girl had a concert to go to and those girls had an upcoming day trip to New York to save their energy for.


Anyway, the concert was a good time. We were standing directly in front of the stage. The Clipse didn't perform all the songs I had hoped for, perhaps next time we will try to make requests? We left about 5 minutes into the Mya performance and met Malice of the Clipse outside. He seemed really nice. He was drinking some hot tea since his voice was almost gone. When we took a picture with him, Kristin was crouching down a little bit and he told her not to, it was slightly embarassing since she was a little taller than him. Meeting him, however brief the interaction was, was definitely the highlight of the evening.

I haven't both weekend nights off since... I can't even remember! I'm glad that I got to enjoy it, although I am tired now. It is beautimous out and I hope that I can get myself together to go to the astroturf lawn and soak in some sunshine. There is another blog formulating in my head that needs to come out. Like my sneezes, my blogs come in threes(es... haha).

week in summary - the bad

Cold pizza, mountain dew, GORGEOUS day, and my ipod in the background. Most definitely the ideal Sunday afternoon. I haven't felt complete enough to blog this past week. I've had so many different thoughts and feelings, but they were/are very fragmented in my head and I didn't want to commit any of that to my blog, until I had a stretch of time to let it all marinate.

Even though I didn't graduate from Tech, I have and always will maintain that I'm a Hokie for life. Monday was an extremely devastating day and this whole week was steeped in heartache. Every time it was on the news, I couldn't look away. The first shooting took place in my freshman dorm and one of the professors that was concerned about his writing, spoke to my freshman English class. The whole thing weighed heavily on me and was always in the back of my mind. The Virginia Tech Massacre - massacre - that is precisely what it was, but for that word to be attached to a place that held so many happy memories, so many traditions and so much pride... It's hard to swallow.

All the problems in the world make me see more and more that I don't want to be wasting my life surrounded my negativity. A lot of kids at work irritate me to no end and I need something more in my life. Monday was all kinds of horrible. The wind was so strong that it took out a lot of power lines and of course those brats just want to make a mockery of everything, without a care for anyone's safety since they are just self-serving idiots. The power actually ended up going out at the school around 8:30, which wasn't actually too bad. We just sent them up to bed early and then sat around in the dark. *shrug*

Monday was a long day and I wanted to start fresh on Tuesday, but Tuesday ended up being almost as bad as Monday. I was so tired and all I really wanted was to go get a free cone at Ben and Jerry's. I didn't end up getting my free cone, so the day was a complete disappointment. I needed to catch up on my sleep, but of course I always have trouble sleeping in, so I have to get up, eat, then go back to bed. Well, my dad kept calling... so finally I had a early dinner with him. Ugh... I just felt pulled in so many directions. I want to be home when I can so I can be there for my mom because I know she is stressed out and emotionally drained. If I didn't have to be at work, I would be home more, but then again, I also have to be in Maryland to be in contact with my dad when he needs me too. My threshold for guilt is so low. I feel like I have to be there for everyone all at once and even when my parents say that they are ok without me there, I can't help but feel like it's not true. :(

There has just been a lot to process lately with all the different things going on. On Monday, I got a call from the doctor telling me that I have high cholesterol and that they found protein in my urine. Of course, I don't really know what any of this means. I looked up some stuff online, but I'm not sure what needs to happen. I'm going back to see the doctor at the end of the month. A fortune teller once told me that I would live into my 90s, so I'm not really that worried, but I guess I wonder how these things may affect my quality of life.

Yeah, so this sums up the thumbs down of my week.

i'm mean...

Last night when I went out, I think at least 5 guys commented on the fact that I was mean. My face can't hide my feelings of disgust when a) I am displeased b) I think something is stupid or c) I am disinterested. I can't help it. I don't even know when I'm making this face, which is unfortunate, because apparently, it's highly offensive! Though, I guess the eyerolls are pretty deliberate. Oops...

Even if a guy can get past the disgusted face... usually I have some sort of mean comment or I make him feel stupid (the only reason I know this is because they tell me), though I suppose sometimes that's the same thing.

Once a guy asked me how old he looked and I said late 20s and then he said he was actually in his mid-30s, to which I replied, "Oh, must be the lighting." I didn't even think it was mean until I had to repeat myself when he couldn't hear me the first time. Sorry guy.

Another time a guy told me that I looked nice and I said, "I know, people have been telling me all night." He left soon after this exchange and I think he might have made a not so pleasant remark as he walked away. *shrug*

I've tried to be nicer. Really. It just hasn't worked yet. Any advice?

just friends

Rejection. It definitely sucks more to be the rejectee than the rejector, but commiserate with me for a minute.

The other day I had to tell a good friend that I did not see anything between us romantically. The whole topic was broached when he said "What if I want to be more than friends?"

***Extreme crickets***

We have been friends for a couple years now and there was a mild infatuation for a short while, but probably only out of boredom or loneliness. I think he was on the rebound and I liked having someone write my philosophy papers. This is some advice he needs to be referred to. Thank Jon's blog.

"becoming a woman's friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. if you haven't gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won't ever get her. she'll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she's having with someone else."

I've seen him try to get flirty here and there and it really hasn't been well-received, rather ignored... It's been a couple days since we've talked and though he said that he's ok with it, I can't help but feel like he is hurt. He handled it really well, but maybe he just needs some time to lick his wounds? He had recently invited me to with him to San Diego to cheer him on/help him out during a marathon, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to go anymore. That would be awkward.

I think sometimes when I'm being the rejector, I can be a little callous, but it's not because I am not considering their feelings. I just don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want anyone to have false hope, because I think that is cruel. I'd rather not sugarcoat because that's just not my style. I'm glad that this recent rejection of sorts was not in person. I'm glad that it was a simple conversation and not some sort of touchy feely come-on. Nobody likes an unwanted advance, especially this girl. I am not going to let you make out with me to spare your feelings (like some girls I know... ahem... hahaha). Isn't it better to get your face cracked verbally than physically?

something new

Seeing an example of a certain extreme can propel you in the opposite direction.

Learning of someone's stubborn and indefensible behavior yesterday made me want to suck up whatever pride or frustration I had and take the necessary action to be a better person. I think we have to take the cues that we are given in life and utilize them to improve ourselves. We have a responsibility to those around us to mature and progress beyond our comfort levels.

I know that some people are more quick to self-evaluate and correct than others. We are not all on the same timeline, but it can become a problem in relationships when someone is stagnant.

I welcome change. I always have. I enjoy having new and different experiences and learning more about my own capabilities; challenging myself, testing my limits. I think my current challenge is actually staying in one place instead of packing up and leaving to a random city. I've already decided to go to University of Maryland, so that commitment is definitely going to keep me here for another year or two. I'm getting to really experience and enjoy DC for the first time as well. I have no complaints for the moment, except for the whole hating work bit, but I know that will change too.

thanks, but no thanks

Is it weird that one of my old (as in we're not friends anymore) best friends gave me a gold heart locket with our pictures in it as a birthday gift? I think that this is an indication of an obsession. I mean, it's ultra-cheesy and a little creepy, wouldn't you say? I don't know what gave her the idea that it was a good gift idea.

Some people are really strange when it comes to showing their feelings. Back in elementary school, Locketgirl and I wrote and signed a friendship contract. I'm pretty sure it was her idea. She was really possessive of me and constantly tried to tell me what to do. Thank goodness we are no longer friends. She's dating an ex of mine now. I hope she's not dating him to feel closer to me. Ewww... I am really disturbed. Did I attract a strange person or did I make her into a strange person through my captivating personality?

dixie cup

I just got back from an afternoon of running errands. Library, blood lab, and Trader Joe's. I dropped off books, did my blood work, peed in a cup, then got some dinner for the evening.

The blood lab was sooooo low-budget. I'm working under the assumption that most places where you give urine samples, they have a box in the bathroom where you put the sample. Here? No box. You know what they gave me to pee in? A dixie cup. So, after I peed into the dixie cup, I had to bring it out to her and set it on the counter. Mildly awkward. I was so glad to get out of there.

bunny is pissed

My mom wanted to put my bunny back in her cage because they are changing the blinds in my room (umm... she broke them... no big surprise, the bunny, not my mom!). For the past two years she has been roaming free in my bedroom.

Anyway, she's back in her cage now and pissed! She's a bunny, you think, how can you tell she's pissed? Right after I put her in her cage, she dug up a sheet of newspaper from the bottom of her cage and covered herself with it. And now, everytime my mom goes to feed her, she does the same thing. My poor angry baby. Usually, she is really sweet and friendly. I guess this shows you how emotional and spoiled animals can be!

can't. stop. blogging.

Last night one of my co-workers, a sweet middle aged woman made a comment that just amused me right now. She was with some of the 6th grade girls in the hallway and they asked if they could go up the boys' stairway. There was the slightest pause and I did not hear my co-worker respond, so I chimed a resounding "no" from the RA office.

Then my co-worker said "Ms. HT has no problem saying no."

It's quite true. "No" was my first word. Probably because I was always doing something bad and had to be stopped. And then my brother came along and of course I had to say it to him too.

And nothing has changed. :)

not done yet...

In the chaos that April has ushered in... I've forgotten to highlight the anniversaries of two pivotal events in my life.

One actually occurred today, two years ago. My grandma died. She was and always will be my soulmate. I wonder how different my life would have been if she had not gone back to Singapore when I was in middle school. I would probably be a much different person.

The other one occurred a year ago in the early morning of April 2nd. I realized the fulfillment of a life fantasy (sorry for being vague, but I know someone knows what I'm talking about)... and I learned that things aren't all they are cracked up to be. Unadulterated idolization from afar does not equal chemistry and I'm ok with that. Oh well...

huh...

I haven't been able to work out lately. Ok, that's a lie, I haven't chosen to work out lately. First, I was sick, then I was just super busy, now... I feel yuck. I'm still trying to recover from my overnight shift. My dad kept calling me while I was trying to sleep this afternoon. Ugh... Anyway, I have to accompany him to the doctor next Tuesday. I hope that nothing is wrong with him, that whatever is bothering him can be taken care of here. If it's too much of an ordeal to treat it here, he will go back to Taiwan.

Today while I was trying to wake up I had a thought that life would be so much better right now if only I didn't have this canker sore in my lip. owww... My breasts are tender to the point of pain and I'm wearing a bra around the house. That is unheard of for me... there really isn't much reason for a girl my size to wear a bra. *sigh*

Not much purpose to this blog... just thought you'd enjoy the update. I'm spending the evening watching Food Network. Emeril just made pho... fascinating. He even had the Sriracha, which I just call the Rooster.

You know they have blogger parties... I find it intriguing. Its nice to be able to put a face with a blog. I don't read many, in fact, I don't read any anonymous (well, anonymous to me...) blogs. Do I need to start attaching a face to my blog? Hmmm...

overnight shift...

hmm... some random thoughts i'd like to get down since i have nothing else to do...

1. i hid easter eggs around school for the easter egg hunt that they are having in the am. i haven't hidden easter eggs since junior or senior year of college. it was only for one person and there were only maybe 6 eggs. hiding eggs is fun, kinda.

2. some of the kids played red rover and duck duck goose earlier tonight - it made me miss the first graders.

3. one of the kids here, probably a secret favorite, asked me about my stepdad and i thought that was really sweet of her. she is probably going to be asked to leave because she has gotten a little chunky. :(

4. i have 7 weeks left of the school year. i get a break for a couple weeks, then start back for summer session. then i'll have all of august off.

5. my roomie is moving to new york in august... so i have to find a new roomie for next year. i only want to live here until i finish grad school, then who knows where i'll go... the land where all kids are nice little first graders that adore me and books?

lately... ok, just this past week

I've felt oddly disengaged from some of my friends. They've talked to me about what I've found to be immensely trivial things while I'm having these life epiphanies left and right and trying to make sense of the big picture. I feel as if some of them haven't really been there for me as of late.

I rationalize my feelings and in an instant, they're gone. Once I'm no longer swept up in them, I no longer feel the need to share them with everyone. I'm not really the type to reach out. I'm almost more comfortable divulging to someone who I don't know as well.

I don't like talking about my feelings. I don't really know how to be emotional, so when I am, it is surreal to me. I almost hate it when it happens because I feel like I have no control. There are just some very glaring triggers that I seem to have and no matter how many times I deal with or discuss some things, I seem incapable of holding myself together. The moments where I display overwhelming emotion are brief and I can probably count on one hand how many people have been witnesses to them.

Among my friends I feel like I am more of the listening ear and the one that they come crying to. Most of the time when I'm dealing with a problem, I will typically deal with it on my own. I don't think my friends are as accessible as I am. I think I make myself pretty available to them.

Anyway, that's not really the point. There is some sort of vulnerability that I feel uncomfortable displaying and maybe I'm ultimately questioning the genuine concern of some of my friends. *shrug*

three words

Three words scrawled on a sheet of paper awoke my consciousness of life and love.

My stepdad is in the hospital with pneumonia and some sort of lung infection. He has a precarious health situation as is, so this is a severe affliction. He has tubes down his throat and all sorts of IVs, machines, and things connected to him. He can't talk, but when he is awake he struggles to communicate with my mom. He asks her about me and my brother and about his condition and even about my bunny.

On this sheet of paper, I saw "Will I be able to walk?" and "Will I be able to talk?" It was jarring to see those questions. It must be something else all together to be the one asking them.

Also on this paper was "Will I live?"

The moment I saw those words, I was plunged into the wrenching depth of love and the potential pain of loss. I can only imagine how my mom reacted to those words when she saw them. My initial reaction would have been to cry uncontrollable heaving sobs, but on second thought I see how stupid that would have been. In this situation, my mom had to have pure optimism, which I'm confident she managed. I guess a part of love is having someone else's pain intertwined with your own and being strong enough to be their lifeline.

Last Day of Camp Diva...

Today was the last day of camp and my first day at work since Sunday morning. I went from my happy fatigue at camp to empty exhaustion at work. I don't have to go straight to bed for my Friday morning shift, so I can finally get out some of the thoughts that my brain has been drowning in.

Working at camp has been such an amazing experience. I'm not sure if I could have lasted longer than a week, but I guess this was a highly unusual week anyway. Camp was constant smiles and every day that I left, I felt fulfilled in a way that I don't know if I have ever felt in my life. Though, I guess it could be because of its contrast against the ballet academy.

No one is going to call me Ms. Nairobi anymore. :( I had those of them that wanted to, write letters to themselves which I will mail to them in 4 years. Only a couple of them did it, but the letters are still so adorable. We also signed our camp t-shirts today, which was also very cute. I loved my little campers so much. They seem to have a blind adoration. I was sitting with them trying to play a card game and even though I didn't really know the rules, they were still happy to play and Amber even told me how much fun it was! They just want to be near you and maybe have their little hands held as you walk. I think that many people would be significantly happier if they had a Lilia, Eleanor, or Khadidiatou in their life.

Why can't I find a full-time job that is this fulfilling? *sigh*

Aria

Today, I had a new little one, Aria. She is hands down the tiniest in the bunch, to the point that she looks malnourished. She was wearing a little halter style sundress and her hair was a tangled mess. There was a quiet sadness about her, a vacancy in her eyes. When I spoke to her, she wouldn't make eye contact, looked down at the ground instead.

I watched her during Music/Dance and noticed how difficult it was for her to pay attention. She was staring in the mirror and switching from covering her left eye to her right eye. This was when I noticed a big bruise on her forehead. I know kids get bumps and bruises all the time, I must have sent at least 5 different girls to the first aide station today, but there was such an unsettling feeling about her.

At snack time, when I was talking to her, I noticed a slight pungency about her, like she hadn't been properly bathed. I also noticed that she finished every bit of her lunch as well as the snack. Her appetite didn't seem to fit her size or stature.

I guess all I can do is keep an eye on her and talk to the camp director when I get the chance. It's difficult to decide what to do in these situations because you never know the outcome. I will hope for the best and not make any assumptions for now.

i love first graders

Day Two of Spring Break Camp and I still love it. I don't know what it is about hearing compliments from first graders. The wonder in their eyes and the bright smiles on their faces get me every time. Seeing Zuva come bounding into the gym this morning, Gianny giving me a hug before she got ready to go on the bus, or just the way they always ask you if they can have permission to do something.

Today, Eleanor said to me during lunch, "You're the best teacher in the whole world." She also told me how great it was for her to be at camp with me, in her own words.

While I was chatting with Lilia, I asked her what she liked most about yesterday and she said "Meeting you." Soooo incredibly adorable. It makes me wonder how it is that I was so fortunate to have such great little campers.

What is it about flattery from first graders? People tell me they like my shoes or that I look nice on any given day (hahaha... no ego problems here), but those are compliments that I rarely reflect on nor genuinely appreciate. There is something magical about their sweet, little scopes of the world that I can't help but love.

i think i need naptime...

First graders are sooooo cute. I only had 14 little girls today and I kind of hope that I don't have any more tomorrow because they are a major handful, a precious handful, but a massive one. We aren't the elephants like I had hoped, instead they are my Little Froggies to match with the green.

If you ever need an ego boost, go to a first grade class. At any given moment, they will make you feel like a million bucks. Eliana told me I was the best teacher she's ever had (granted, as a first grader, how many could she have had?). Eleanor told me I was pretty. Lilia handed me a pepper and a snap pea along with some covered raisins during lunch. You really can't help but love them.

They are the sweetest, even when they don't want to play a game or participate. I'd say I only had one real problem kid today. Taylor - a buck-toothed one who kept saying mean things to her friend. Oh, wait, make that two problems... My aides weren't good aiders. One of them is a know-it-all who tries to control everything (and we know that I am the control freak in most situations), and the other two only helped when they felt like it, which was rare. And then the know-it-all wants to complain to me about the other two. *eyeroll*

I'm tired. Today was exhausting. I don't know how first grade teachers do it. I guess the structure of a classroom, desks, chairs, etc. helps. At camp I'm trying to keep track of my own belongings plus all their lunchbags, jackets, water bottles, etc. And of course the know-it-all aid has to put in her two cents. Just shut up and do what I say!!! Eighth graders... pains in the ass.

the great depression

The other day I asked a kid what he was taking notes on.

"The Great Depression. Did you learn about it when you were in school?"
"No, it was still going on at that point."

He starts looking at the dates in his book.

"But, it happened in the 1930s."
"Yeah, I know, right after the stock market crashed in '29. I remember that day."

Kids...

dumbfounded

Today marks the second time that I've heard from a guy (in my life or on his way out...?) that he wants someone who is in need, or who has problems. Let's ponder this. Does this make sense to anyone?

I've always wanted to be the girl that has her ish together. Somewhere in my path of social awareness and self discovery, I decided that being a mess, physically, emotionally, or mentally was not attractive - clearly not everyone shares this opinion.

Maybe guys have some sort of wounded bird complex and want to be with someone who makes them feel manly? Though I can think of some female friends of mine who enjoy the caretaker role and want to nurse someone into a more positive state, I can not say I understand it. Support is a necessary function of relationships, but I don't think rehabilitation is a normal one.

Are guys trying to tell me something? That I need to be some sort of victim or addict? Apparently guys want girls with some sort of defect. This doesn't really make sense seeing that no one is perfect, though I guess I come frighteningly close...

I've seen the opposite of this dynamic as well. There are guys out there who want girls to fix them! What is going on here? Where are the normal people?! Relationships aren't meant for therapy! Admittedly, we are all Works in Progress, but I don't think that we should use people as crutches.

I was in a long distance relationship with the last guy I dated and he could not keep himself together when he was away from me. Sure, it was a little sweet to know that he was so distraught with missing me, but it ultimately gave me a needy vibe. Turns out, he has an addictive personality, when it wasn't me it was alcohol or marijauna.

So, where does this all leave me? I am not sure. I think it's entirely possible that there is some issue that I have that I am avoiding, but this is my blog and there's my rant.

update on my old friends...

I was reading some of my old blogs and realized that perhaps my loyal readers have noticed that the navy boys have fallen off my life radar. *sigh* Sadly, they are moving on. Joey is currently in Kuwait (I think), Ian is going to start training with the Navy Seals, Nate is moving to Portsmouth, VA, and I'm not sure what Aalani (Manny, Manu?) is doing, besides moving out of their apartment, which I feel that I owe them to mention was roach-free.

They were interesting characters to have in my life for that brief moment in time, but I guess I just have to be honest with myself and admit that once I moved and was in possession of my very own microwave, our relationship was bound to come to an end. C'est la vie. *shrug*

Nairobi and Zicam

I didn't think the Dew had any effect on me, but here I am awake. Eh... it's probably not the Dew keeping me up so much as my inability to breathe through my nostrils. So, here I am - choking down another Zicam in the hopes that it'll do the trick. I also have a tremendous need to burp and burp some more. This is obviously not me at my finest.

I went back to work today for a short 5 hour shift. I really had forgotten what working was like. Being there today was a bit like an out of body experience. The meager attempts at "rounds" were short drifts down the hall in which kids asked me if I was sick. I didn't really do a whole lot today. I just manned the phone awaiting calls from the children and from those picking up the children. I'm glad that I was not the one doing the picking up because I think I would have died trying to blow my nose and navigate a minivan around the airport.

I will be a first grade unit leader for a Girl Scout Camp a week from now. My girls are going to call me Nairobi and I will push for our group name to be The Elephants. If the director informed me correctly, my group color is green, so I'm thoroughly optimistic that things should go my way. So far, I have an elephant song that I will introduce to my little ones and an elephant craft. I'm excited. Bring on the games of Duck Duck Goose and Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar!!! I am sure that these kids will wear me out, but I am positive it will be more rewarding than the daily grind.

Ok... time to try to go to bed again.

bo-ring!

I got a haircut today. Why is it that everytime I get a haircut, I seem to find myself with the same style I had the time before? What is going on?! I showed the lady a picture of a hairstyle I liked, yet I somehow ended up with the same gradual face framing layers. :( It doesn't look like the picture! Ugh... are all hairstylists just trying to tell me that this is the only look I can have? Booooooo... One thing is for sure, I won't be getting soccer mom hair again anytime soon. I don't care how much it matches with the minivan!

heavy-hearted

"Will you miss me?"
"Yeah," I replied very non-committally. I would have to think about him. Even though he wasn't always physically present in my life, he was still a presence. I have many memories of him, but I am not sure what kind of imprint they have left, albeit not a very strong or apparent one.

"You don't like me."
My response was a confused look.
"I don't think you like your mom either. You only like your grandma. I can tell these things. You only have her picture in your room."


Our limited shared language forced him to look deeply for context clues. Or is that just the way that parents observe their children? The slightest wobble in my walk and he asks what is wrong with my leg. When my brother squints, he asks if he needs glasses. I had never picked up on any of those things. Maybe the fact that our verbal communication is so lacking makes him work even harder to recognize the subtle nuances in our character and mannerisms.

He has missed years of our lives, but now he puts in such a great effort. Multiple calls in a day. Visits at every possible opportunity. Planning to spend our birthdays with us months in advance. And we never celebrate him. There isn't that much time left for him to spend with us here in America. He will be going back to Taiwan for good soon. Old age and health problems require him to be in a place where he can get the treatment he needs without the burden of a language barrier.

It has been refreshing to have my dad around. My mom is taking a less and less active role in my life as of late because she is so busy with work, her health and Alvin's health problems. It has been an asset for me to have a parent around who wants to buy me groceries and prepare a homecooked meal. I think I'm finally able to allow myself to feel love for my dad, but at the same time I don't know if I can trust him.

I harbored a resentment for him throughout my early adolescence, then when I was in college I developed an indifference towards him. It is such a strange relationship that I have with him. Lately, I feel like he makes more of an effort to communicate with me than my mom does. It is so hard to communicate though. I wish it wasn't as taboo for me to talk about my dad with my mom. Is it possible for me to have both my parents in my life? Is it too much to ask of my mom to help my dad in some way?

mission impossible?

You can't change the past. You can't make someone feel the emotions you feel, no matter how much you invest.

Today, I sadly came to that realization through my father. He had been chasing after my brother and me for years. He had to talk to random strangers to figure out where we were and pay private investigators to track us down. I care about my dad and I know he loves me, but at the same time I get frustrated with him sometimes. I do not know if I trust him 100%. I get nervous that he will flee the country and leave me with his debt, like he did to my mom. I wish I were able to help him out more by translating for him and such, but it can be such a burden as well when I seem to be the only one that he can go to.

I wish our relationship was simpler. I don't want to take his presence for granted because I know that he is probably going to go back to Taiwan soon and then it will be much harder to see him. My brother and I are probably the main reasons why he is still here and I only make a point to see him about once a month. *sigh*

literally

I'm a very literal person. I tell it like it is and often expect the same of others. I don't really want stories that people tell me to be embellished for entertainment value. I like to know the truth and I like for people to choose their words carefully. Like in The Giver how everyone has to express themselves with correct language. I think that we often give and send mixed messages simply through poor word choice. It's also possible that people attach varied shades of meaning to different words.

Perhaps this is a reason why I'm not the best story teller. I stick to the facts. This may be a result of my early journalism career. Hahaha...

molding

How much do people shape each other? How much are we able to be shaped? Who do we allow to shape us? Are we aware that we are being shaped? Do people realize they are shaping others? (I changed all molds to shape for you ;)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being brainwashed by things people say or different experiences that I've had. I think that I can be pretty stubborn at times, but if I respect someone, I think I can be easily swayed into seeing things their way. I think some of it could also be a function of how much of yourself you see in another person. If you think that you are similar to someone, on the same wave length, per se, then you could easily be molded by that person, no? But what comes first? Seeing similarities you have with someone and then sharing more and more of the same opinions or already sharing most of the same opinions makes you friends? Does any of this make sense?

I think I need to work on synthesizing my thoughts. I will refrain from using lack of sleep as an excuse. I am just going to have to accept the fact that my brain has limited processing capabilities.

digesting the weekend

I went to New York City with two of my good friends for the weekend. There were some strained moments throughout the weekend because we have different interests, different spending habits, and different standards of comfort, etc. Ideal traveling companions are hard to come by, but we survived the weekend without any blood or tears.

There is so much to do and see in New York, with so many options of places to go, places to eat, that it can be overwhelming and difficult to make decisions. I feel like I felt the most strain in terms of transportation. I don't understand the subway system, but after I bought my day pass, I was determined to make use of it. Taxis are expensive and not that appealing to a poor girl like me, but of course there were times when it was absolutely necessary especially since the weather was so terrible while we were there. Another slight strain I felt was places to eat. I love food. I love trying new foods. I love eating for cheap. I love having the extravagant splurge (when it's worth it!!!). I love the staples (pizza!!!). I love the trendy eateries. I love it all. However I also like to get through my to-do list and decide if certain things are worth the hype.

I don't know where I'm really going with any of this. This weekend was more or less satisfying and I got through it without going broke and most importantly I went to the Bliss Spa. Ahh... Bliss Spa. I will be going again. It's that amazing... When I'm ready to fully reminisce on the awesomeness of it in specific detail in order to serve it justice, I will do so, but for right now... Ahhh... :)

i'd like some sleep, thanks

I have a problem. I can't seem to sleep in. And then I can't seem to fall asleep. So, I'm essentially burning the candle at both ends. I did everything I could in order to go to bed early tonight. I got up early, got in some exercise and got into bed at 8-ish and had my lights out by 8:30. Unfortunately, at around 9:30, a bit after I had drifted off into my slumber, my phone rings! I knew I should have turned it off. I clicked the person, but it didn't make any difference, all my plans for a good nights rest were ruined. *sigh* So, here I am at 2:30. After tossing and turning for about 5 hours, I decided that I should just get up. :( Can't a girl just get some sleep?

funny

While cleaning out the fridge before Spring Break, the kids came upon a bag of baby shrimps. I'm talking, teeny tiny shrimps. The more cultured set out there might be familiar with them. Anyway, one of the kids asked what they were and I said, "They're baby shrimps." Then he said, "Well, when are they going to grow!?"

I was amused.

sometimes you amuse me, sometimes you don't

As I was headed out of my apartment building to work, the mailman offered me a chicken nugget. I thought it would be a good day. *sigh* More of a mixed bag (am I using this term correctly?)

Yesterday, mini C.T. asked me who sang "Keys Open Doors." I blanked. The CLIPSE, of course! A boy after my own heart.

I got a parking ticket today. I was in CVS for about 5 minutes and when I come out there is a large woman standing by the van. The van she was driving was blocking mine in. :( Apparently I am supposed to park 5 feet from driveways... if you could see this street you would realize that this poses quite a challenge. Then when I get back, I am informed that I shouldn't have even gone to CVS because we aren't responsible for providing Advil to the children or something to that effect. Arghh...

Today was supposed to be my day off, but I switched with someone so that I could have Thursday off and be able to get some sleep before I go to New York on Friday. Arggh...

Isn't it always so bizarre when things like that happen? Kind of like you altered the universe in some way. Perhaps lack of sleep is making me crazy, but I feel like I really got the shaft today.

So, yesterday I made the mistake of doing an impression of a kid in front of another kid (mini C.T. ironically!!!) and the kid I was making fun of found out. oops. I will just chalk it up to stress, a stress release mechanism perhaps. I don't know how much longer I can handle this job. There are good moments and then some moments where I'm completely at wit's end. I just go back and forth trying to decide if all of this is worth it or not. Ugh...

There's a ton of random stuff I'm leaving out... it's just been an exhausting day. Mentally and physically poked and prodded. *sigh* I prefer the physical poking over the mental. Damn kids...

elephant

i made an origami elephant today. it took me an hour.

last night...

I had a terribly violent dream. I don't even know who the violence was targeted towards, but I remember grabbing hair and slamming a body back and forth against the floor. I had some sort of super-human strength. I also remember kicking out a ladder from underneath someone. This all took place at juvie and I was caught on camera. I was afraid of being reprimanded and having to confront my supervisor. I was so worried about being fired and finally I was able to tell myself that it was just a dream. I felt really embarassed by the whole situation because I am not a violent person nor do I believe I can fling people around like ragdolls.

I also had a dream last night that I was controlling some sort of van from outside of it and I crashed it into two other vans. It was like playing with a remote control car, but with a life size vehicle. I became worried again since I would have had to pay for the damages, but then I realized it was a dream. What a relief.

I was really startled by these dreams and they didn't really make for a good night's sleep.

Here are some things I found to help me make sense of some of this.
"If you dream of behaving violently, then you may harbour hidden feelings of resentment towards someone who is preventing you from progressing. Alternatively, you may be denying something within yourself. This dream can show the need to assert yourself when dealing with people and to be more accepting of your own failings. You have too much repressed emotion."

http://predictions.astrology.com/dd/violence.html

"To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another." - Apparently, I was not able to navigate very well causing some dents and such.

birds of a feather, stick together

It is no surprise that people with common interests tend to be friends. Friendship is also based on a multitude of different factors - perhaps values, backgrounds, hobbies, smokers/non-smokers, etc. However, being the superficial individual I am, I would like to make the claim that friendship is based heavily on appearance. I actually did a study on this my senior year of college. Results didn't work out to support my hypothesis, but I wouldn't mind taking another stab at it. Anyway... let's all think about this.

Appearance can be broken down into natural beauty, weight, dress, and cosmetics (for the ladies, eh... actually I am really only talking about the ladies in this whole blog theory). In each of these categories, friends usually share commonalities. Cute girls hang out with cute girls. Thin girls hang out with thin girls. Friends usually have similar standards of appearance in terms of clothes and makeup. Girls that dress trashy usually hang out with other girls that dress trashy. Girls that go for the natural look don't have friends that own the entire MAC line.

I am sure there are some sort of procedures or statistics I'm supposed to provide in the explanation of my theory, but its almost 5 am and I almost brain dead.

Anomalies
False Mirror Effect - a fat girl that hangs out with skinny girls might suffer from false mirror effect. She believes that if she hangs out with thin girls, she becomes thin. The acceptance of the fat girl by the skinny girls makes the fat girl feel skinny!

Dandelion Among Grass - an average looking girl might hang out with less attractive girls so that she is the prettiest one in the group, which enhances her overall appeal simply by comparison.

I am essentially basing this on my circle of friends, but next time you're out, take a look around, tell me if I'm far off base.

my blahg

I did a promotion for Herban Cowboy today. I handed out soaps and shave cream in Whole Foods. On my way there I ran into one of my mentees and then an hour into my promo, I saw another one of my mentees. Small world.

I had Sonic yesterday. I had a Coney Dog with Onion Rings and a Strawberry Limeade. After that, I had a Banana Pudding Shake. Mmmm... Then I ordered a Super Breakfast Burrito to take home with me. Mmmm... I weighed myself before and after Sonic and there was definitely a 4 lbs increase. Mmmm...

lame a$$ kids

So, "Drop It Like Its Hot" came out about... oh... 2 years ago, right? Why are the kids 1) just listening to that song now 2) just learning what "ice creams" are...

I bet 90% of them haven't even heard the remix. Get it together! I don't consider myself on the cutting edge of entertainment by any means, but if I know something you don't know and you think you are hip, there is something extremely wrong.

too cool for school

There is a dry erase board with the names of the RAs on duty for the day on the door of the RA office. Apparently, the kids wrote by my name "too cool for the kids at school." Next to another RA's name they wrote "is cool like the kids at school." I'm glad I'm cooler than they are, though I guess it isn't hard to be.

Anyway, here I am at my weekly overnight shift as usual. The main difference today is that my visitor is sleeping on the couch in here as I type this! Her flight was cancelled because we're supposed to have some nasty weather in a little while - so she's catching the train at 3 am. Fascinating, eh? We're so resourceful over here.

Hmm... I am doing a promotion tomorrow where I am putting window clings on random surfaces on a college campus. I have to take pictures of my handiwork. Should be INteresting.

the art of being mean

A boy approached one of the girls when we were out at the movie theatre. I tried to firmly explain to this child that my kid didn't want to talk to him and he said "I want to hear it from her." She promptly told him that she didn't want to talk to him. He didn't take the hint and he still attempted to talk to her! And then he was like, "Is it because I'm black?" This was strange on so many levels. I know that race is something that a minority becomes aware of early in life, but for him to up and pull the race card! And on a girl he was trying to talk to?? Maybe I left out the part that he was not cute. He was a dumpy kid. Whack, really. You can't pull the race card because someone doesn't want to talk to you! Sheesh. He probably won't ever learn and he'll probably have a chip on his shoulder for the rest of his life and increasingly pullt he race card. Stupid.
Anyway, I gave the girls a good lesson in being direct and unfriendly. I think it will prove to be useful. Its definitely a talent that comes into play for me quite often. Is that horrible? Perhaps I need to make a Chinese New Year Resolution about this.

why am i not surprised?

People don't follow through around here. Everyone is just a bunch of talk. RAs make promises to kids only to leave other RAs with the obligation to take kids to certain places at certain times. The headmaster complains to the director of residence life about one of the RAs, but the RA gets to hear about it from another RA. The dean gets complaints from the students about an RA, talks to the headmaster and the director of residence life, but nobody talks to the RA. Everyone is inactive, things don't get done. They all just love to hear themselves talk. Don't ask me how I am when you're not going to listen to the answer. Don't engage me in a discussion only to cut me off.
I thought the dean was going to talk to me about the whole "please" incident, but no. *shrug* She probably realized what a pointless conversation that would have been. Y'know because I'm stubborn (though she probably doesn't know this b/c RAs are just slaves to her anyway) and there is nothing wrong with encouraging kids to be more polite. I hate how everyone wants to juice everyone else up around here. I work with a bunch of people that have nothing better to do than to talk about one another behind their backs and then act like best friends the rest of the time. I don't choose to associate myself with anyone like that. I know I can't trust them so that prevents me from even talking to them.

My life is so dull. I'm constantly just ranting about work. Something new... something good... something interesting...

oh... I really like my favorite kids' parents. They had a friendliness about them. They have good positive energy. Um...

I had my birthday dinner finally. Six of my closest friends had dinner with me and then five of them went out afterwards with me for more festivities. It was your average evening, but we so rarely all get together that its an event when we do. And, I got presents so that's always nice.

Its Chinese New Year. Yeah... I had dim sum with my brother and his gf this afternoon. I might try to go to the parade tomorrow if this overnight shift doesn't do too much damage. Ok... too many disjointed thoughts. I will continue to another blog.

i amaze myself

So, there is this kid who I don't really care for. She's bratty, spoiled, and simply not my cup of tea. Oddly enough, she is constantly calling me her buddy. In the past two weeks or so I have monitored her and her friends for late night snack saying stupid things like "This is NOT social hour. EAT!" or "Less chatting, more chewing." As serious as my tone is, nobody is buying it. *sigh* However, my cold persona has made her want to befriend me. I am amused by this. I always knew my aloofness would pay off, though being her friend is hardly one of my life objectives. I've even said to those fools that I am not their friend. Oh, the persistence of stupidity.

i amuse myself...

So, I've been playing four suit spider solitaire. I discovered it on one of my overnight shifts and easily beat the two suit version and STRUGGLED with the four suit. This battle has been going on for a couple weeks. Anyway... fast forward to THIS MOMENT in time! I BEAT IT! I love feeling so accomplished. Now for my next goal... eating all the Coldstone Creations. Yep. Mmhmm...

P.S. when you beat spider solitaire... a window pops up that says "Congratulations, you won! Do you want to start a new game?" And little colored circles shoot from the center in a weak attempt to mimic fireworks. Yeah... kinda sad. Oh well. :)

please?

Saturday 11:30 pm, RA Office
Ring Ring
Me: Residence Life
Kid: Can you open the kitchen door?
Me: Please?
Kid: Please
Me: Who is this?
Kid: maniupulative ingrate
Me: I'll be right down

Apparently, the manipulative ingrate took issue with this interaction that I had with her and took it upon herself to complain to the "Dean." So, now the "Dean" wants to talk to me. Suuuuper.

They expect us to do so much and there is always something new. I understand that my job has to change because the kids have different needs all the time, but for everyone in that f-ing place to expect me to be everything and do everything all at once is impossible.

I've never worked with such disgusting children - selfish, rude, lacking any social consciousness. They are spoiled brats and I am not at this job to cater to them. I am there to make sure they are safe and taken care of, not to jump at their every whim, especially if they don't have manners. I don't trust most of the kids there. Some of them can be so two-faced and manipulative, turning the things you say around and who knows? Perhaps trying to get your fired! There are some kids that I absolutely adore and I make the extra effort to show that I think about them and that I care about them, but I'm not even sure if that is truly appreciated. I feel like all my efforts are in vain. I am not sure what else to do.

a newer favorite

While I typed this title to this blog, the thought crossed my mind that I might be a fickle favorite holder. Hmm... is that wrong? Isn't it better that I have various favorites in this job? I can't count on my favorites to always be around for my amusement. Mini C.T. was my favorite for a couple weeks, but that's done now. My new favorite is a girl from Oregon. I don't know what it was about her that made me instantly like her. One night during bed check I heard that her ringtone was a Chris Brown song. I don't remember which one, but it was a song I liked. Then I later found out that she has a huge crush on Chris Brown. That's so cute. Points for her. She's allergic to wheat. Interesting stuff. Yep... these are the things that attract me to people.

ugly mood

I don't know why but being at work right now really irritates me. I don't even want to go upstairs to check on them because I am so disgusted by them right now. I don't know why I'm in such a bad mood all of a sudden. I was working on my Grad Assistantship Application and then I decided I just wanted everyone upstairs. I don't know why. Somehow I just got into a really ugly mood. And its not PMS so I have no explanation whatsoever. It might be better if I just blame it on that. Ha. Maybe I'm just tired. How am I going to last another 6 hours and THEN go to Alvin Ailey with them? Oh fudge.

i think i have the right

Where does it say in my FUCKING job description that I have to move a kids shit out of her room so that she can move out? I had to help her pack all her stuff out and THEN bring it all down the stairs. I am so irritated right now and no amount of thank yous would make me content with this situation. I mean, could I have said no and not done it? Should I have run down and asked for help even though I am completely capable of doing this task on my own? Is the wrath emanating from my body language incongruent with the request made upon me? What do these fucking people think?
I've done physical labor before, but I feel that I was always rewarded in some shape or form. I've painted the inside of a school and probably all I got out of it was some pizza, but it was something and I didn't feel like someone's bitch because everyone else had to do it too. This is not a volunteer position. Ugh. So irritated!!!

busy busy...

Today was a hectic day at work. Never a dull moment. I felt useful for a change. Right when I got in, I took someone to the doctor about a potential stress fracture in her right shin. When I got back, I find out that there is a DC water outage because they had to repair some pipes. So, I'm trying to print signs to post, all the while, I have to pee. *sigh* Then its time for dinner. I have my dinner, then a kid comes to me to inquire about arts and crafts. We have arts and crafts. We made valentines. Ok... this is getting lame.

The point of this entry is that I can't imagine being a single parent. I don't know how my mom did it for so many years. I was pulled in so many different directions tonight and though I felt like I made the most of my time and had genuine interactions with various students, I had a feeling of wanting to do so much more. One of my mentees had a particularly rough day. Her jeans were stolen and there have been a series of thefts recently. She had to hang around school until 8 o'clock (she's a commuter) and after I drop her off, she discovers that her wallet was stolen! I can't describe how badly I felt for her. I wanted so much to make it all better and make things right for her. This is an example of the affinity that I develop for kids and I realize that I play a very small role in their lives. I adore some of these children and I know this is only a fraction of what I will feel for my own children. I guess I'm getting some practice... good thing MY kids won't be brats though.

Mooooooo

"Milk Cows, Not Clones!"
I would like to proudly say that I did my share in demonstrating against the use of cloned animals for meat and other food products today. I have pictures on my camera and a cow costume in the trunk to prove it. On my way to the metro after the press conference and free ice cream (which I had two helpings of, thanks), I was STRUGGLING to get my costume off. I took off the head, but I still had the top and bottoms on, along with my hooves, which were frozen at this point. So, I'm walking around with bright pink udders at my crotch like an idiot but I manage to get there without too much bruising to my ego. When I'm heading into the metro a woman asks me why I have the cow costume on, so of course I tell her that I'm saving her from a future of tumor ridden meats and such because I'm quite the hero. Then I see these two girls staring at me! And they mooed! *sigh* Oh well, I have a nifty "Cloning is Bull" t-shirt and of course, the cow costume. If anyone is interested in a little more info on all this cloning business... go here -http://www.benjerry.com/features/cow_cloning/index.cfm
For pictures of me in a cow costume... you'll have to email me directly. I'd like to know when you're laughing at me.

best part of my day

The best part of my day is coming home and walking through the door of my apartment after work. I am not particularly content with my life being that way, but for the moment, I'll take it. Tonight, getting home at 11:20 pm, I got a parking space in the apartment lot versus the Giant parking lot, where I usually park. This made me very happy. *sigh* Perhaps, I'm easy to please. I've never been one of those people to take a mile once I get an inch. Where does that behavior come from - this nature to take advantage of what the privileges given to you? I don't like it. The kids are hugely manipulative and then they need to be checked and that isn't always pretty - since teenagers are often so moody. Ugh.

This is all. I haven't blogged in awhile so this was my attempt at some sort of update. My life is rather uneventful. *shrug*

hmm... mini C.T. doesn't have a belly button. I'll let you know if I find out anything more.

come pick me up

I hate how I keep having all these thoughts bubbling around in my head while I'm in bed, but here I am again.

I didn't get my license until I was 23. This means that all throughout high school, I was fortunate enough to have friends that enjoyed my company enough to go out of their way to hang out with me and constantly give me rides. I suppose I'm a little spoiled because of this. I have said this before and I will say it again, I have some of the most amazing friends and I'd like to think that its because I'm pretty incredible myself. Thank you. Thank you. :)

thoughts before bed

I don't know what triggered these thoughts, but in the tangled ball of yarn that I call my mind, I began thinking about how much I loved the afterschool center that I had hoped to work at in conjunction with the ballet academy. There was such a remarkable sense of community at this place and the children made you feel loved and in turn you loved them and in turn I loved that place. I went in there with reservations because I was nervous about how I would be received by this predominately black community. Going in there and seeing some of the people that were going to be my co-workers I was a little intimidated because I didn't think that I had a whole lot in common with them, but I realized that it didn't matter because we were united by the fact that we had those children in our hearts.

The ballet academy is not a place I love. I do not feel loved there and at times I don't even feel respected. It's not something I care to bring up because I feel like none of it can be fixed. I just have to make the most of the few good relationships I have there. The kids are intolerable at times, demanding, two-faced - honestly, plain ugly.

The middle schoolers are going through a disturbing phase in their lives - cliques. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with cliques, but in a school so small, making anyone feel like an outsider leaves them with no one. I definitely had my cliques, but I don't ever recall making people cry, or at least not intentionally. Why are girls this way? And how is it changed? I am not sure anything can be done, they just have to grow up, I guess.

How did I end up on this topic? I was originally thinking about how much I loved the Beacon House and now I'm thinking about how much I hate those kids. Ugh... Today was a nice day off. I really don't want to go back. *sigh* Just gotta make it through Friday so I can get some breathing room again.

update on the mini channing tatum

Mini C.T. has adjusted to life here, I think. He's made friends and there is less buzz around school about him being "weird." When I got to work today he was sitting in the RA office dressed in almost all green. Its his favorite color. We talked for a little bit and the conversation moved to music. I started talking about the Clipse and when he told me he didn't know who they were, we googled them online and I forced him to listen to various Clipse songs. Turns out he knew some of their songs, just not them. Mid-chat I had to go pick up another student from the metro, but I let Mini C.T. stay in the RA office on the condition that he only looked at Clipse related information. When I got back, he told me that he changed his myspace song to "Virginia." I'm proud. I made a Clipse fan. I think this made my day.

different

We are different people in different relationships. We express certain things to some people that we would not express to others and if two people in our lives compared notes on us, how many similarities would they find?

I remember in middle school I did some sort of personality survey thing with my group of friends. I don't know where those results are. I wonder what they said about me. I think only one of those girls has remained my friend.

Because we often present different faces to different people, how do we know when we are being our true selves?

I guess the most obvious answer is when we feel the most comfortable, but I know there are people out there who feel completely at ease playing the different characters in their repertoire. Hmm...

talk is cheap

My stream of consciousness is more like a web than a linear, logistical flow. I spend so much time in my head that I don't really have a lot of output because I think that I can sound very confusing to people that don't know me. This could be a reason why I hate small talk and unfamiliar social situations. I don't like wasting my time talking with people who I don't feel a connection with. I think I give everyone a fair shot, but if you're not really giving me a fair one... I'm out.

greige on the brain

My best friend's boyfriend is a "greige" - gray/beige. This is the word I now use to describe the bland, fade into the background people that I encounter. Typically, these people are white, but there are greiges of different ethnicities. My best friend's boyfriend is a greige of the white variety. He's an intelligent guy and he's seen and done things that would qualify as interesting, but there is a disconnect. He is introverted and though he makes jokes about it, he only seems to exist as an accessory, not a real person.

They've been dating for about a year and have been living together for a few months. He's a nice and dependable guy which is probably one of the main reasons he is a good boyfriend for my friend.

Ultimately, I guess what is most disappointing is that his friends are not going to contribute to our social circle because either he doesn't have any or they are greige as well.

what's the point?

I'm so tired that I am struggling to complete a coherent thought. Today was exhausting. Trips to 7-11, Whole Foods, the metro, and finally the last trip of the day, dropping off one of the students at his dorm. I am not sure why this took so much out of me. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep the night before or the fact that I didn't work out today therefore decreasing my overall energy level, or did I set myself up for disaster with the knowledge that I would be spending the night here? Oh... I guess other draining aspects of the day are an eating disorder, mean middle school children (more on this later? perhaps?), and the general disrespect of everyone else. OH! and the front desk man SNAPPED at me!!! YES, thumb and middle finger snap!!as if I were some sort of animal he was beckoning. I think that really got to me and simply broke my spirit. I told him several times that I didn't like it (since he barely speaks English) and then I told him why. He told me that I shouldn't take it that way, but it was extremely rude. *sigh* Am I finally done ranting? No, but if I think about it for much longer, I might lose it, so I won't. I'm still at work, though my shift is over. I'm staying here tonight in order to buy myself a few more minutes of sleep. I'll let you know tomorrow if it was actually worth it. The beds are horrendous. Last time I slept her I had visions of mattress pads taunting me in my dreams.

I will end this blog with some things that made me extremely happy today.
1. Zappos sent me an email saying they are mailing my shoes to my apartment and not to MATCH (I made the mistake of not checking the shipping address)Zappos is so prompt AND they have free s&h!
2. "What's Your Fantasy" by Ludacris (from my freshman year of college!) was on the radio
3. Snapfish has already completed my order that I placed this morning! How I love efficiency. *swoon*

what if we got dating reviews?

B.B. told me that I was pretty much a perfect girlfriend when we were together, but then later on in that same conversation he told me that I was manipulative. Apparently I manipulated him into going to the zoo. He also made complaints about my wanting to spend time with my friends when he wanted it to be just the two of us. Despite these things, he told me that he misses me and thinks about me a lot. He also constantly tells me what a great girl I am. A bit of a mixed review, but that's probably how most relationships are described in retrospect.

It's weird having someone tell you how you are in a relationship, but then you have to take in consideration the bitterness factor - so... that pretty much cancels out all the negative things that B.B. had to say. :) I don't think I'm manipulative, but I guess I can't have the last word on that. When it comes to my friends however, they will typically take priority over any guy. They are a part of who I am and I have faith that those relationships are for a lifetime whereas a relationship with a guy may be transient. There is something profound about my relationships with my best friends that I would never want to put in jeopardy because of a guy. I've had friends that put guys before me and we're either not as close or not friends at all anymore. I can expand on this later, along with my rant about pods.

Maybe one day in the future, I can provide reviews for my exes. Hahaha... or not. I don't think some could handle the truth and others perhaps I wouldn't want to hurt with my honest opinions. Yeah... definitely a bad idea.

a new favorite, perhaps

I think I have a new favorite kid although I haven't spoken to him yet. He's in middle school and he's from Virginia. That's a point for him! I've seen him around wearing headphones and baggy pants, which is a departure from the boys I'm used to seeing at the academy who are Asian trendy or borderline emo or preppy. This kid has a little thug in him and I'm all for it. I've overheard some of other kids say how he sits and raps to himself. They think he's weird, but I think he's the first kid with some flavor that I actually enjoy. There are tons of kids that I find interesting or talented, but this kid... I don't know. He reminds me of a mini Channing Tatum, though no way near as hot (nor will he ever be...). Anyway, he seems like a cool kid. Let's hope he doesn't disappoint me.

what makes you cry?

During bed check we walked into a room full of girls sitting in a circle crying. They were crying for various reasons; injury, homesickness, financial reasons (one might have to leave because her mom can't afford tuition), leaving each other (though this won't happen for a few years). This put me in a funk of sorts. I thought their crying was silly and was over it after about 2 minutes because I wanted to go home, but then I tried to recall the last time I sat and had a cryfest with friends. Oh, perhaps I need to define cryfest. Cryfest - when two or more individuals cry together in camaraderie. They need not cry for the same reason because the phrase "misery loves company" is the motto for cryfests and often there is a depressing soundtrack that accompanies the tears, such musical selections may include "The Graduation Song" or "I Will Remember You." Cryfests are very depressing, but they eventually end in a little laughter (especially if an outside party becomes a witness to your pity party) and if there is something immediate to cry about, being alone usually helps puts things in perspective, for me at least. When I cry, I usually have to write my feelings out, and sometimes when I'm writing my feelings, I actually start crying.

Anyway, the last time I had a cryfest was when I was at Logan International Airport sending Ashley back to Virginia. Catherine and Claire were the other participants. It was sad parting from people that I had spent every waking moment with, yet we haven't had a reunion and I doubt that we will. Something about crying together brings people closer, but you can't cry with just anyone either. Crying breaks down some sort of personal barrier between people. So weird. Emotions... so mind-boggling. I don't really like emotions, but I know I can easily be overcome with emotion. I hate that, but at the same time I know that they are the essence of our identities and its a display of something very genuine that is nothing short of beautiful.

Hmm... yeah, those are my thoughts. I had happier thoughts that I had hoped to blog about today, but that's all I got for now.

red balloon

I had a dream that I was driving and all of a sudden a red balloon appeared in front of me. It was a slight distance away and I kept driving towards it and then it popped! It startled me and I woke up.

Stuffed Pretzels

I am currently enjoying an omelet stuffed pretzel. Mmm... I ordered stuffed pretzels on December 20th, but they didn't arrive until yesterday. This put quite the damper on my plans to give them to my family for Christmas. Well, it wasn't that big a deal... I drew a picture of a pretzel and gave it to my mom on Christmas Day. Who wouldn't be hype about my artistic skills?

Anyway, I've been calling these pretzel people day in and day out trying to get some sort of compensation for the late arrival of my tantalizingly twisted treats. The pretzel people and UPS put me through all sorts of confusion because I had received emails saying the shipment was cancelled, but then I come home to four huge boxes! I paid good money ($169.34)) for those pretzels and most importantly the two day shipping costs and I deserved to at least get the shipping refunded since they were so late. After calling and being put through to someone's voicemail and then calling back, they put me through to someone in quality assurance. Finally! Someone who could help me!! Yes, and she will be putting in a refund for my pretzels next week. I won't get too excited until I see that money back in my bank account. They sure took it out fast enough, so hopefully they can do the same putting it back in. :)

In case any of you would like to purchase some of these delicacies, you can go to www.kimandscotts.com OR watch out for them on QVC. They gave me free pretzels... I'll give them a shout out ;)

old musings

I wrote this in May last year. I remember thinking about it quite a bit while I was laying in bed and got up out of bed in order to jot this down.

I heard once that love is easy when you find the right one and that makes complete sense to me. When you have found your soul mate (or as close as you can get) there shouldn't be any obstacles if you are meant to be together. However, there are other things to be considered. Timing can be a huge issue. Perhaps the inception of all relationships occurs in a certain window of time. I believe that timing has to be right in terms of love as well. Does the belief that love is easy when its right conflict with the issue of timing?

Perhaps I should be asking myself why this is so important to me. Is love really something that needs to be analyzed? Deep down, I know I wonder about it because its something I want. I believe in love, but sometimes I also wonder if it just exists to screw me over. I'm idealistic. I hold strongly to the belief that love at first sight exists. I believe in butterflies and perfect chemistry. I believe that knowing love goes hand in hand with being hurt, being vulnerable at sometime in your life. I don't think its fair for someone to never realize the agony of unrequited love or a broken heart - to walk into the perfect relationship. Can you really know love if you've never been hurt?

a little throwback

I've been keeping a diary since I was about 13 or 14, I guess at the very beginning of adolescence. Its always interesting to read back. I am currently reading diary entries from about a year ago. Around this time, I was going through a break up and also heading back to San Diego after being at home for the holidays. A smile came to my face when I read this, "When I got back, Franny and Ashley had a bottle of Moet so we could toast the new year together." Spilling champagne in the car and being with my roomies was special and simply a perfect moment because we were so genuinely happy to see each other after so long apart. It was such a wonderful start to the year. January was probably one of the best, if not the best, month that we had out there together. Right about now, I'm definitely missing the sunshine and warmth of San Diego - the beach, rollerblading on the path behind our apartment, wearing my bathing suit all day long, HAVING A TAN!!! We had a lovely life and lovely distractions :)

Is it just me?

So, I find that when I'm slightly drowsy, I also become slightly easy or perhaps just physically aroused. I'm not sure. When I'm tired, I obviously want to sleep, but then sometimes I think making out might be fun. Drowsiness can blur your judgement.

Just Sexual Monogamy?

Is it possible to have a sexually monogamous relationship without actually dating someone? What if its a trial period prior to a real relationship? I think the fact that I'm even posing these questions demonstrates the hedonism that has infiltrated our society, or at least in my life. People have sexual needs, but not far beyond that there is a need for some sort of romantic connection, even if it is just for one night or maybe a series of them.

I think sexual monogamy without a relationship (SMWR) is a sophisticated way of saying friends with benefits, or maybe an updated way because maybe its not necessary to be friends or perhaps the relationships are more complex than "friends."

The pro of SMWR is obviously the accessible and familiar hookup. It is something that can be depended on and since it is monogamous you don't have to worry about the other person hooking up with other people.

The con of SMWR is the potential confusion and the uncertainty of when the agreement could end. Honestly, the cons could far outweigh the pros, but if you're not ready for a relationship, this is a viable alternative.

SMWR could be a precursor to a more meaningful relationship in the future. The sexual waters have already been tested and approved so there is a level of comfort already established. SMWR could easily metamophose into a relationship because a connection is developed and nurtured, however, this could be a case that blindsides you if it was not the intention of both parties involved.

I'm not quite clear on my feelings about SMWR, but its something that I am considering because I'm not quite sure what I want in terms of a relationship. On one hand I want to keep my options open when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand I want the security of having someone to be physically intimate with now and again. Perhaps this is selfish, but can you compromise when it comes to finding someone to love? I'm an idealist and believe in true love, but I also realize the importance of timing and other dynamics that have to be considered and weighed in a relationship. As we mature, there are more factors to take into account when it comes to choosing a mate. Since things don't always fall into place at the right time with the right person, SMWR might provide a good rest stop or comfort zone for a bit. Ultimately, every individual SMWR agreement is different because of the people involved. SMWR is not a perfect system. It requires willing and forthcoming individuals in order to be executed properly.

I think the reason that this is an appealing option to me is because I am probably not ready for a relationship and would simply like to create something that I am comfortable with on my own terms for the time being. I don't like the idea of being tied down, though I realize that is not what a relationship is about. Maybe I'm just biding my time until Mr. Perfect comes to life. These thoughts, like myself, are still a work in progress. Who knows where this idea is going to go?

thoughts on friendship

Elise recently came back from the DR. I haven't talked to her or seen her in four months, but our friendship didn't skip a beat. She has insecurities about her weight, but she has such a beautiful and genuine soul that I don't think anyone ever notices her body issues. She is gorgeous. A light seems to shine through her. Her big brown eyes express the emotions she feels and she has a smooth, creamy complexion. She has a perfect nose with the smallest freckle at the tip and full red lips. All these features simply add to the beauty that is Elise. She conveys her passion about things she has seen or experienced in such a moving way that I tear up before she does.

While I talk to her I may notice the subtle facial expressions she makes, but thinking back, I don't see her. Its like our souls are talking. Its that way in a lot of conversations with my friends. I'll admit I'm not the most astute observer in terms of people. I'm not detail-oriented. When I am with my friends I can hear laughter, I can feel tears form in my eyes, both of sadness and joy, but all I see is a piece of myself, an extension of me that needs to be acknowledged and nurtured. I identify with my close friends so strongly that its hard for me to explain myself without lending attribution to them. We have shaped each other through the plights of relationships, family problems, and stress. I love them and they love me in a way that only comes from sharing life together.

stink farm

Last night was the dress rehearsal for the performance. A bunch of random people (well, maybe they weren't that random to some, but they were random to me) showed up to watch. One of these people who was invited by a student's family was in a wheelchair. Well, she also had a catheter. Apparently, during the performance, the smell was so bad that it completely threw off everyone's focus. They thought the smell was coming from backstage, but it was from the audience. The performance ended around 6:30, but for some reason this woman was sitting in the front lobby until almost 10 pm. She was abandoned by the family that invited her and waiting for the van service to come pick her up.

The smell was so bad that the students could not stand to be on the same floor as her. You couldn't walk past her without holding my breath. I'm still trying to formulate words to describe the awful stench. Rotting flesh comes to mind, but that is only scratching the surface. It seemed to travel into every corner of the main floor and even in the stairwell. I never knew a smell to permeate in this way. Ick... so gross.

It was sooooo wrong for her people to just leave her. They were able to leave while everyone in the building suffered. I know I shouldn't be talking this way about someone with her problem, but I think if you were here, you would sympathize with me (um... well, I guess you wouldn't have a choice...)

After she left the building, there was another smell we had to deal with. This one was caused by a spilled bag of ice in a students' room. The building is old and the carpet in some of the rooms may be the original carpet. Well, the melted ice in combination with 213408972934 year old carpet becomes quite putrid when left wet overnight. It smelled sort of like a foul mold, though I preferred it to the catheter. Ugh... I shiver at the thought of it. I was worried that last night wouldn't end, but I'm back here now, at work. Thank goodness I only have one last Saturday overnight shift before my three week break.

forever against the grain

Friday morning... or any morning for that matter. These are the times when there are tons of people in the building that want to tell you what to do. Its probably a good thing that I don't typically work in the morning because I think I have a problem with authority. When people tell me things I should do, I take it as an insult. It never sounds like a nice little instruction or suggestion, but instead a blatant and evil "YOU SUCK!!!"

Every time I work in the morning, it seems that someone has this new random task that I need to do. As an RA, otherwise known as the school's personal bitch-whore, I am forced to cover other people's jobs in their absence. "Oh, Miss Mary's not here today, bring this to her class and make sure they do their work." "The front desk is not going to be here today, go sit there." Anyway, so my point is, I get to do other people's jobs while they are "sick" whereas when I'm sick there is no one to fill my shoes. Not to mention that I don't even know how to operate all the random phones, monitors and buttons at the front desk!!! And I didn't know that I had to hand the mailman the mail when he came. I don't think of those things! I am just the bitch-whore they told to sit at the desk. Another bitch-whore might have known to do that because they work in the mornings, but this bitch-whore usually works at night and she didn't get much sleep last night either since she was here at this stink-farm (more on that to come) till 11 pm the previous evening.

So... does anyone know of a job that I can get where there won't be someone telling me what to do? and why do I take things so personally?

gift-giving

December. Shopping. Gifts. Some people haphazardly shop hoping to stumble upon the perfect items for the people on their lists. Others think and agonize for hours, days or even months in order to select something that is just right. Most people probably end up doing a bit of both and have an easier time with some people on their list than others.

I've basically abandoned gift-giving with the majority of my friends (unless I come across something special that just can't wait until their birthday). Um... mostly because I'm poor and its not fun to spread already thin funds among many, but there are still some individuals who I feel compelled to give gifts to. This year those individuals are my mentees. I haven't gotten extremely close to them, so picking out gifts was a bit difficult. I wanted to get them each something to suit their personalities and also use the gifts as a medium to express my most positive impressions of them (I wrote a nice note in their cards too). I think something you should always ask yourself when buying gifts for people that you don't know very well is "would I want this gift?" And I'm proud to say that I would like each of their gifts if I were to receive them.

Even though I feel confident that they are good gifts, I still have an almost sheepish apprehension in giving them their gifts because I'm not sure how they will be received. I find that sometimes when I give people their gifts I try to downplay the gift as if it was nothing special because I don't want to see a look of disappointment when the package is opened. I don't want them to fake an enthusiasm for what they think to be a lame gift. I think that this is mostly a function of the relationship (or lack thereof) that I have with them. I don't think my mentees expected presents from me.

Even though giving someone a present is a nice gesture, bad presents do exist. As a picky individual who has gotten her fair share of bad gifts (a dancing bee that sang "don't worry, bee happy", a fish pillow complete with a styrofoam tray and plastic wrap, a gray chenille sweater), I fear being labeled as a bad gift giver. I worry that the receiver won't appreciate my gift and the thought I put into it. I want other people to look at my gifts and think, "Gee, I wish I got that as a present" or "I wish HT gave me gifts because she really knows a good present!" Hahaha...

Anyway, perhaps I should just list their gifts so that I can get some sort of ressurance for them.
Green and pink polka dotted scrapbook - C.A. (she told me she had been looking for one and I think she liked it)
Orange and pink striped mug with frozen hot chocolate mix from Serendipity 3 - JY
Ticket Stub Album - K.N.
IQ Brain Challenge Book/Kit - C.C.

So, what do you think? Will my kids be unappreciative brats who will cast my gift aside in disgust or will they cherish these tokens of my benevolence?

yikes...

my streak of kids leaving has followed me. all of my kids from match left, the girls at GRF left (well, i guess that was the point...), and NOW, my russian kid is getting kicked out. aaaand, i don't know if i failed to mention it, but the japanese girl that i tutored for SAT was asked to leave as well (anorexia).

whew... yeah... perhaps i need to only work at juvenile hall where its a good thing for the kids to go home and not come back. *sigh*

little miss muffet...

i spent the night at work last night since i work from 3-11pm on thursday and then 7am-3pm on friday. with only eight hours between those shifts, i decided to save myself some time and just sleep at work. it wasn't too bad. i got a phone call around 11:30 from the girls in the room next door. "who are you?" the voice was sort of mumbley so i am not 100% sure if that was what was said and i think i detected an accent. *shrug*

anyway... my lunch was just cut short because a spider crawled onto my plate. ah well... i wasn't that hungry anyway.

rod?

is it wrong that i am sharing my enthusiasm for rod stewart with an unknowing foreign student? i hope i didn't lead him to believe that rod stewart was hip and cool. apparently he shared his new musical acquisition ( i let him borrow my cd) with some of his classmates and they found it odd. oops... sorry - rod is not quite cutting edge. i think people from different parts of the world have affinities for different types of music... its an evolving preference, i'm sure. will someone investigate this?

anyway... i'm trying to decide between Casino Royale, Happy Feet, or The Holiday. Hmm... so many options, so little time and money.

bombed...

i bombed a job interview today. they wanted a spanish speaker and though i can comprehend it, my speaking skills are pretty non-existent. i am now trying to write my thank you letters, which is proving to be difficult because i am feeling utterly dejected about the whole situation. what am i supposed to say? "sorry I don't speak spanish and don't have supervisory experience, but i think i can do a good job"? i didn't feel very confident about the interview and am not really convinced that i even want the job anymore. does anyone want to write my thank you letters for me? perhaps someone that wasn't there can be more optimistic about the whole situation.

oops

why did i just check my own blog and expect there to be an update? does anyone else ever do that? perhaps its just me.
i'm enjoying my first free weekend in what feels like forever and i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. i was supposed to go get dim sum with my brother, but he's too busy with all his friends. i'm obviously not high on his priority list. maybe tomorrow... *sigh* it has been requested that i take a picture with him as proof of his existence, so i will make sure to get on that.
currently i'm working on getting some stuff on the bare white walls of our apartment. looks like i need to make a trip somewhere to get some nails or something or other... i am not quite sure. i also need help with getting things measured and put up correctly. these are not tasks that one can complete alone and my roomie doesn't have good visual/depth perception. haha...
alright... back to vegetating.

Secrets, Secrets...

Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone.

So, Dhonielle and I are throwing a Housewarming Party. Check your emails and respond, please (oh... and if you're not in the area, you weren't invited). Anyway, as we were discussing the guest list, it became necessary for me to share with Dhonielle the reason why someone I didn't want someone invited. I didn't want her to think that I just nixed him for a petty reason. So it all came out. I had to make her see that it was much bigger than whatever she thought the reason was and that with the enormity of it, it leaked into other areas of our social lives and other relationships.

So, secrets that I was supposed to keep, all came to a head. I feel bad that I had to reveal this person's secrets, but she was the one that put me in the predicament in the first place, and her secrets have effected me.

I know... I make no sense. And I'm being so vague. Oh, the sex, lies and scandal in my life. *sigh* We just have to nip the complexity in the bud. How do we start all over? Sheesh...

Dad and Dumplings

Dad came over with the supplies and a dumpling savvy friend and we made dumplings. Well, I mostly watched. Then I went to take a nap while they played Chinese chess. I only got my hands dirty when it came to wrapping them. My dumplings weren't that great-looking. I'm glad my dad brought his friend. Can you imagine me making dumplings all day long? I get bored so easily. I was pretty much done after I made 2.

Yeah... making dumplings was a better in theory. And then my apartment smelled of dumplings, wait... still smells. Now my dad wants to hang out all the time. Next week he wants to make, drumroll please... spaghetti? HUH!?! *shrug* Anyway, I just got a call from him saying that he won't be able to make it because his schedule changed. I can't handle all this dad and me time. I need time to take drooly naps and go to Pier 1. I think I like the thought of my dad wanting to hang out with me though, but he's a person I can only stand in small quantities. Just a dose of dad is all I need. See you in a month!

It has been confirmed

I was not a whiny kid. Fed up with how much the kids whine, I needed to know if I was a pot calling the kettle black. I called my mom and asked her if I was a whiner and she said no.

That's right... I was not a whiny kid. Thank GOD! At the moment, whining tops my list of pet peeves. The kids I work with are constantly whining and complaining about something. I'm just not sure where it comes from. Is there a whining gene? If so, I don't have it. YAY! And this means I will have perfect non-whining children, just like me (unless I get mixed up with some whiner husband, I guess I will have to screen heavily for that trait).

I talked briefly with my mom about how I was such a great non-whining kid. I think it has to do with whether the whining is acknowledged or not. If the whining yields desired results, then it will be persist. If the whining is ignored, as with all things that are neglected... perhaps it disappears. Hmm... I toyed with the idea of Huey-Tyng's Boot Camp for whiners and other punks, not sure where I would go with that one. Anyway, kids suck sometimes. What else is new?

Wow... I don't think I even know how to do this anymore...

I don't know where the past month has gone. Wait, I do. I moved, did some promo work, learned to hate my job (and everything that goes along with it), shopped and when I got the opportunity, I slept. I am at work after a semi-stressful morning.
For some reason I couldn't sleep. I went to bed between 2 and 3 and woke up around 8 when there was no logical reason for me to do so. Then around 10 I decided to get myself together and go to Ikea (my home away from home) as planned so that I could return a few items (I am the QUEEN of returns!!!). Well, my gas tank was close to empty and I spy gas for $1.95, so I'm on it! In my excitement, I threw my keys in my purse while I retrieved my wallet and hop out of the car. Hmm... knowing me do you have any idea where this is going? *sadface* I locked my keys in my car for the first (and hopefully last) time ever.
So, I hung out at the Texaco for a little while, walking back and forth from the McDonald's and then finally spent some time (and money) at Pier One. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, so getting some picture frames and a candle holder are the reason that I locked myself out of the car.
This was the excitement of my day, but I was anxious until I got to work for fear that I would get lost on my way there AND I had to get my oil changed today too. I've never been at an oil change before, but I can't say that I even witnessed the event.
My life is really boring lately, but there is still an element of novelty in the day to day. I felt like a mom on Friday night. It was the first time that I had hung out with Pauline in awhile and I really felt like I had gotten away from "the kids." The last time we saw each other, I wasn't a mom, but all of sudden, now I am. We met up for sushi at this place called Wasabi. They had a conveyor belt that passes the tables. The mechanics of it were a dream come true, but the sushi was only so-so. I think one of the best things there was this pepper tempura thing. Mmm... I'd go back for that. After sushi we went to see Marie Antoinette. Eh... Marie Antoinette seemed like she had a lot of fun, but she was beheaded, so I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to derive from that.
I'm relishing the lack of stimulation in my life. I think I'm just trying to get settled, get my roots down a little bit so that I can grow (hopefully in the direction of grad school...) I love just laying in my bed or putting pictures into frames. I look forward to going home tonight simply so I can arrange the frames above my bed. And on Tuesday, the rod will finally go up - that is if a certain someone comes over to drill the holes. I have been waiting on that rod. I will be so happy when it goes up, probably as happy as I was after the best nap EVER (I couldn't stop smiling afterward and I drooled) on Saturday.

I have lots of random blog bits here and there that I have from when I was unable to blog... but I wouldn't hold my breath for them. Life is nice.