Friday, March 30, 2007

the great depression

The other day I asked a kid what he was taking notes on.

"The Great Depression. Did you learn about it when you were in school?"
"No, it was still going on at that point."

He starts looking at the dates in his book.

"But, it happened in the 1930s."
"Yeah, I know, right after the stock market crashed in '29. I remember that day."

Kids...

Thursday, March 29, 2007

dumbfounded

Today marks the second time that I've heard from a guy (in my life or on his way out...?) that he wants someone who is in need, or who has problems. Let's ponder this. Does this make sense to anyone?

I've always wanted to be the girl that has her ish together. Somewhere in my path of social awareness and self discovery, I decided that being a mess, physically, emotionally, or mentally was not attractive - clearly not everyone shares this opinion.

Maybe guys have some sort of wounded bird complex and want to be with someone who makes them feel manly? Though I can think of some female friends of mine who enjoy the caretaker role and want to nurse someone into a more positive state, I can not say I understand it. Support is a necessary function of relationships, but I don't think rehabilitation is a normal one.

Are guys trying to tell me something? That I need to be some sort of victim or addict? Apparently guys want girls with some sort of defect. This doesn't really make sense seeing that no one is perfect, though I guess I come frighteningly close...

I've seen the opposite of this dynamic as well. There are guys out there who want girls to fix them! What is going on here? Where are the normal people?! Relationships aren't meant for therapy! Admittedly, we are all Works in Progress, but I don't think that we should use people as crutches.

I was in a long distance relationship with the last guy I dated and he could not keep himself together when he was away from me. Sure, it was a little sweet to know that he was so distraught with missing me, but it ultimately gave me a needy vibe. Turns out, he has an addictive personality, when it wasn't me it was alcohol or marijauna.

So, where does this all leave me? I am not sure. I think it's entirely possible that there is some issue that I have that I am avoiding, but this is my blog and there's my rant.

Monday, March 26, 2007

update on my old friends...

I was reading some of my old blogs and realized that perhaps my loyal readers have noticed that the navy boys have fallen off my life radar. *sigh* Sadly, they are moving on. Joey is currently in Kuwait (I think), Ian is going to start training with the Navy Seals, Nate is moving to Portsmouth, VA, and I'm not sure what Aalani (Manny, Manu?) is doing, besides moving out of their apartment, which I feel that I owe them to mention was roach-free.

They were interesting characters to have in my life for that brief moment in time, but I guess I just have to be honest with myself and admit that once I moved and was in possession of my very own microwave, our relationship was bound to come to an end. C'est la vie. *shrug*

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Nairobi and Zicam

I didn't think the Dew had any effect on me, but here I am awake. Eh... it's probably not the Dew keeping me up so much as my inability to breathe through my nostrils. So, here I am - choking down another Zicam in the hopes that it'll do the trick. I also have a tremendous need to burp and burp some more. This is obviously not me at my finest.

I went back to work today for a short 5 hour shift. I really had forgotten what working was like. Being there today was a bit like an out of body experience. The meager attempts at "rounds" were short drifts down the hall in which kids asked me if I was sick. I didn't really do a whole lot today. I just manned the phone awaiting calls from the children and from those picking up the children. I'm glad that I was not the one doing the picking up because I think I would have died trying to blow my nose and navigate a minivan around the airport.

I will be a first grade unit leader for a Girl Scout Camp a week from now. My girls are going to call me Nairobi and I will push for our group name to be The Elephants. If the director informed me correctly, my group color is green, so I'm thoroughly optimistic that things should go my way. So far, I have an elephant song that I will introduce to my little ones and an elephant craft. I'm excited. Bring on the games of Duck Duck Goose and Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar!!! I am sure that these kids will wear me out, but I am positive it will be more rewarding than the daily grind.

Ok... time to try to go to bed again.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

bo-ring!

I got a haircut today. Why is it that everytime I get a haircut, I seem to find myself with the same style I had the time before? What is going on?! I showed the lady a picture of a hairstyle I liked, yet I somehow ended up with the same gradual face framing layers. :( It doesn't look like the picture! Ugh... are all hairstylists just trying to tell me that this is the only look I can have? Booooooo... One thing is for sure, I won't be getting soccer mom hair again anytime soon. I don't care how much it matches with the minivan!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

heavy-hearted

"Will you miss me?"
"Yeah," I replied very non-committally. I would have to think about him. Even though he wasn't always physically present in my life, he was still a presence. I have many memories of him, but I am not sure what kind of imprint they have left, albeit not a very strong or apparent one.

"You don't like me."
My response was a confused look.
"I don't think you like your mom either. You only like your grandma. I can tell these things. You only have her picture in your room."


Our limited shared language forced him to look deeply for context clues. Or is that just the way that parents observe their children? The slightest wobble in my walk and he asks what is wrong with my leg. When my brother squints, he asks if he needs glasses. I had never picked up on any of those things. Maybe the fact that our verbal communication is so lacking makes him work even harder to recognize the subtle nuances in our character and mannerisms.

He has missed years of our lives, but now he puts in such a great effort. Multiple calls in a day. Visits at every possible opportunity. Planning to spend our birthdays with us months in advance. And we never celebrate him. There isn't that much time left for him to spend with us here in America. He will be going back to Taiwan for good soon. Old age and health problems require him to be in a place where he can get the treatment he needs without the burden of a language barrier.

It has been refreshing to have my dad around. My mom is taking a less and less active role in my life as of late because she is so busy with work, her health and Alvin's health problems. It has been an asset for me to have a parent around who wants to buy me groceries and prepare a homecooked meal. I think I'm finally able to allow myself to feel love for my dad, but at the same time I don't know if I can trust him.

I harbored a resentment for him throughout my early adolescence, then when I was in college I developed an indifference towards him. It is such a strange relationship that I have with him. Lately, I feel like he makes more of an effort to communicate with me than my mom does. It is so hard to communicate though. I wish it wasn't as taboo for me to talk about my dad with my mom. Is it possible for me to have both my parents in my life? Is it too much to ask of my mom to help my dad in some way?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

mission impossible?

You can't change the past. You can't make someone feel the emotions you feel, no matter how much you invest.

Today, I sadly came to that realization through my father. He had been chasing after my brother and me for years. He had to talk to random strangers to figure out where we were and pay private investigators to track us down. I care about my dad and I know he loves me, but at the same time I get frustrated with him sometimes. I do not know if I trust him 100%. I get nervous that he will flee the country and leave me with his debt, like he did to my mom. I wish I were able to help him out more by translating for him and such, but it can be such a burden as well when I seem to be the only one that he can go to.

I wish our relationship was simpler. I don't want to take his presence for granted because I know that he is probably going to go back to Taiwan soon and then it will be much harder to see him. My brother and I are probably the main reasons why he is still here and I only make a point to see him about once a month. *sigh*

Monday, March 19, 2007

literally

I'm a very literal person. I tell it like it is and often expect the same of others. I don't really want stories that people tell me to be embellished for entertainment value. I like to know the truth and I like for people to choose their words carefully. Like in The Giver how everyone has to express themselves with correct language. I think that we often give and send mixed messages simply through poor word choice. It's also possible that people attach varied shades of meaning to different words.

Perhaps this is a reason why I'm not the best story teller. I stick to the facts. This may be a result of my early journalism career. Hahaha...

molding

How much do people shape each other? How much are we able to be shaped? Who do we allow to shape us? Are we aware that we are being shaped? Do people realize they are shaping others? (I changed all molds to shape for you ;)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being brainwashed by things people say or different experiences that I've had. I think that I can be pretty stubborn at times, but if I respect someone, I think I can be easily swayed into seeing things their way. I think some of it could also be a function of how much of yourself you see in another person. If you think that you are similar to someone, on the same wave length, per se, then you could easily be molded by that person, no? But what comes first? Seeing similarities you have with someone and then sharing more and more of the same opinions or already sharing most of the same opinions makes you friends? Does any of this make sense?

I think I need to work on synthesizing my thoughts. I will refrain from using lack of sleep as an excuse. I am just going to have to accept the fact that my brain has limited processing capabilities.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

digesting the weekend

I went to New York City with two of my good friends for the weekend. There were some strained moments throughout the weekend because we have different interests, different spending habits, and different standards of comfort, etc. Ideal traveling companions are hard to come by, but we survived the weekend without any blood or tears.

There is so much to do and see in New York, with so many options of places to go, places to eat, that it can be overwhelming and difficult to make decisions. I feel like I felt the most strain in terms of transportation. I don't understand the subway system, but after I bought my day pass, I was determined to make use of it. Taxis are expensive and not that appealing to a poor girl like me, but of course there were times when it was absolutely necessary especially since the weather was so terrible while we were there. Another slight strain I felt was places to eat. I love food. I love trying new foods. I love eating for cheap. I love having the extravagant splurge (when it's worth it!!!). I love the staples (pizza!!!). I love the trendy eateries. I love it all. However I also like to get through my to-do list and decide if certain things are worth the hype.

I don't know where I'm really going with any of this. This weekend was more or less satisfying and I got through it without going broke and most importantly I went to the Bliss Spa. Ahh... Bliss Spa. I will be going again. It's that amazing... When I'm ready to fully reminisce on the awesomeness of it in specific detail in order to serve it justice, I will do so, but for right now... Ahhh... :)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

i'd like some sleep, thanks

I have a problem. I can't seem to sleep in. And then I can't seem to fall asleep. So, I'm essentially burning the candle at both ends. I did everything I could in order to go to bed early tonight. I got up early, got in some exercise and got into bed at 8-ish and had my lights out by 8:30. Unfortunately, at around 9:30, a bit after I had drifted off into my slumber, my phone rings! I knew I should have turned it off. I clicked the person, but it didn't make any difference, all my plans for a good nights rest were ruined. *sigh* So, here I am at 2:30. After tossing and turning for about 5 hours, I decided that I should just get up. :( Can't a girl just get some sleep?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

funny

While cleaning out the fridge before Spring Break, the kids came upon a bag of baby shrimps. I'm talking, teeny tiny shrimps. The more cultured set out there might be familiar with them. Anyway, one of the kids asked what they were and I said, "They're baby shrimps." Then he said, "Well, when are they going to grow!?"

I was amused.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

sometimes you amuse me, sometimes you don't

As I was headed out of my apartment building to work, the mailman offered me a chicken nugget. I thought it would be a good day. *sigh* More of a mixed bag (am I using this term correctly?)

Yesterday, mini C.T. asked me who sang "Keys Open Doors." I blanked. The CLIPSE, of course! A boy after my own heart.

I got a parking ticket today. I was in CVS for about 5 minutes and when I come out there is a large woman standing by the van. The van she was driving was blocking mine in. :( Apparently I am supposed to park 5 feet from driveways... if you could see this street you would realize that this poses quite a challenge. Then when I get back, I am informed that I shouldn't have even gone to CVS because we aren't responsible for providing Advil to the children or something to that effect. Arghh...

Today was supposed to be my day off, but I switched with someone so that I could have Thursday off and be able to get some sleep before I go to New York on Friday. Arggh...

Isn't it always so bizarre when things like that happen? Kind of like you altered the universe in some way. Perhaps lack of sleep is making me crazy, but I feel like I really got the shaft today.

So, yesterday I made the mistake of doing an impression of a kid in front of another kid (mini C.T. ironically!!!) and the kid I was making fun of found out. oops. I will just chalk it up to stress, a stress release mechanism perhaps. I don't know how much longer I can handle this job. There are good moments and then some moments where I'm completely at wit's end. I just go back and forth trying to decide if all of this is worth it or not. Ugh...

There's a ton of random stuff I'm leaving out... it's just been an exhausting day. Mentally and physically poked and prodded. *sigh* I prefer the physical poking over the mental. Damn kids...

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

elephant

i made an origami elephant today. it took me an hour.

last night...

I had a terribly violent dream. I don't even know who the violence was targeted towards, but I remember grabbing hair and slamming a body back and forth against the floor. I had some sort of super-human strength. I also remember kicking out a ladder from underneath someone. This all took place at juvie and I was caught on camera. I was afraid of being reprimanded and having to confront my supervisor. I was so worried about being fired and finally I was able to tell myself that it was just a dream. I felt really embarassed by the whole situation because I am not a violent person nor do I believe I can fling people around like ragdolls.

I also had a dream last night that I was controlling some sort of van from outside of it and I crashed it into two other vans. It was like playing with a remote control car, but with a life size vehicle. I became worried again since I would have had to pay for the damages, but then I realized it was a dream. What a relief.

I was really startled by these dreams and they didn't really make for a good night's sleep.

Here are some things I found to help me make sense of some of this.
"If you dream of behaving violently, then you may harbour hidden feelings of resentment towards someone who is preventing you from progressing. Alternatively, you may be denying something within yourself. This dream can show the need to assert yourself when dealing with people and to be more accepting of your own failings. You have too much repressed emotion."

http://predictions.astrology.com/dd/violence.html

"To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another." - Apparently, I was not able to navigate very well causing some dents and such.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

birds of a feather, stick together

It is no surprise that people with common interests tend to be friends. Friendship is also based on a multitude of different factors - perhaps values, backgrounds, hobbies, smokers/non-smokers, etc. However, being the superficial individual I am, I would like to make the claim that friendship is based heavily on appearance. I actually did a study on this my senior year of college. Results didn't work out to support my hypothesis, but I wouldn't mind taking another stab at it. Anyway... let's all think about this.

Appearance can be broken down into natural beauty, weight, dress, and cosmetics (for the ladies, eh... actually I am really only talking about the ladies in this whole blog theory). In each of these categories, friends usually share commonalities. Cute girls hang out with cute girls. Thin girls hang out with thin girls. Friends usually have similar standards of appearance in terms of clothes and makeup. Girls that dress trashy usually hang out with other girls that dress trashy. Girls that go for the natural look don't have friends that own the entire MAC line.

I am sure there are some sort of procedures or statistics I'm supposed to provide in the explanation of my theory, but its almost 5 am and I almost brain dead.

Anomalies
False Mirror Effect - a fat girl that hangs out with skinny girls might suffer from false mirror effect. She believes that if she hangs out with thin girls, she becomes thin. The acceptance of the fat girl by the skinny girls makes the fat girl feel skinny!

Dandelion Among Grass - an average looking girl might hang out with less attractive girls so that she is the prettiest one in the group, which enhances her overall appeal simply by comparison.

I am essentially basing this on my circle of friends, but next time you're out, take a look around, tell me if I'm far off base.

my blahg

I did a promotion for Herban Cowboy today. I handed out soaps and shave cream in Whole Foods. On my way there I ran into one of my mentees and then an hour into my promo, I saw another one of my mentees. Small world.

I had Sonic yesterday. I had a Coney Dog with Onion Rings and a Strawberry Limeade. After that, I had a Banana Pudding Shake. Mmmm... Then I ordered a Super Breakfast Burrito to take home with me. Mmmm... I weighed myself before and after Sonic and there was definitely a 4 lbs increase. Mmmm...