The latest craze at the ballet academy is... drumroll please... tetris.
Um... yeah... the game I played in ELEMENTARY school. I don't get it. I guess classics never go out of style.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
do you think i cracked his face?
Perhaps it's a word to the wise to be nice to your higher ups, but I have never been a very good brown-noser. I don't outrightly challenge authority, however, if I get a sense that they are incapable or have any sort of ego problem, I don't mind posing a challenge.
I do not often mention this supervisor because I only work with him once a week, so for most of the week I forget what a pain in the ass he is. On Fridays when I work in the morning he insists that I carry around a walkie-talkie so that he can order me around. And the retarded thing is, a lot of the time he asks me where I am in the building - like it matters! Hello... just tell me what you want me to do, cut the chit chatter. Anyway, he is annoying and I think he derives some sort of pleasure from being able to tell people what to do.
Yesterday, I was chatting in the teacher's lounge a little bit before my shift. He walks past and sees me in there and tells me to go to the RA Office. Um... hello... my shift doesn't start for another 15 minutes. So, I say, "It's not quite 3 yet." I said it in a nice a cheery tone with a smile on my face until he walked away. Later, when I finally made it to the RA Office, he had nothing to say to me! Further evidence that he just wanted to tell me what to do! Why are people like that? Sheeesh...
He might have a LMS (Little Man Syndrome), which I guess I can't blame him for, but don't take it out on me. Go find some tall woman to be your bitch.
I do not often mention this supervisor because I only work with him once a week, so for most of the week I forget what a pain in the ass he is. On Fridays when I work in the morning he insists that I carry around a walkie-talkie so that he can order me around. And the retarded thing is, a lot of the time he asks me where I am in the building - like it matters! Hello... just tell me what you want me to do, cut the chit chatter. Anyway, he is annoying and I think he derives some sort of pleasure from being able to tell people what to do.
Yesterday, I was chatting in the teacher's lounge a little bit before my shift. He walks past and sees me in there and tells me to go to the RA Office. Um... hello... my shift doesn't start for another 15 minutes. So, I say, "It's not quite 3 yet." I said it in a nice a cheery tone with a smile on my face until he walked away. Later, when I finally made it to the RA Office, he had nothing to say to me! Further evidence that he just wanted to tell me what to do! Why are people like that? Sheeesh...
He might have a LMS (Little Man Syndrome), which I guess I can't blame him for, but don't take it out on me. Go find some tall woman to be your bitch.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
sometimes you forget
I haven't talked to my favorite mentee in awhile. I always love talking to her because there is no awkwardness or falsity in our relationship. I think she is more or less open with me and willing to indulge me by letting me ramble on about whatever it is that I ramble about.
She's only a commuter student though, so she's not always around to keep me from hating this place.
By the way... yesterday I definitely hated the administration more... I think that will be an ongoing trend, but the kids can surprise you.
She's only a commuter student though, so she's not always around to keep me from hating this place.
By the way... yesterday I definitely hated the administration more... I think that will be an ongoing trend, but the kids can surprise you.
awestruck
E sent me this passage from a book she just finished reading. I don't think including any of my own personal thoughts could do this excerpt justice. It verbally illustrates the quintessential male/female relationship in a profound and amazing way. And here it is... for my blog audience.
“… There is something mythic in the way a man is with a woman. Our sexuality offers a parable of amazing depth when it comes to being masculine and feminine. The man comes to offer his strength and the woman invites the man into herself, an act that requires courage and vulnerability and selflessness for both of them. Notice first that if the man will not rise to the occasion, nothing will happen. He must move, his strength must swell before he can enter her. But neither will the love consummate unless the woman opens herself in stunning vulnerability. When both are living as they were meant to live, the man enters his woman and offers her his strength. He spills himself there, in her, for her, she draws him in, embraces and enveloped him. When all is over he is spent, but ah, what a sweet death it is.
“And that is how life is created. The beauty of a woman arouses a man to play the man, the strength of a man, offered tenderly to his woman, allows her to be beautiful, it brings life to her and to many. This is far, far more than sex and orgasm. It is a reality that extends to every aspect of our lives. When a man withholds himself from his woman, he leaves her without the life only he can bring. This is never more true than how a man offers- or does not offer – his words. Life and death are in the power of the tongue says proverbs (18:21). She is made for and craves words from him” (185).
“… There is something mythic in the way a man is with a woman. Our sexuality offers a parable of amazing depth when it comes to being masculine and feminine. The man comes to offer his strength and the woman invites the man into herself, an act that requires courage and vulnerability and selflessness for both of them. Notice first that if the man will not rise to the occasion, nothing will happen. He must move, his strength must swell before he can enter her. But neither will the love consummate unless the woman opens herself in stunning vulnerability. When both are living as they were meant to live, the man enters his woman and offers her his strength. He spills himself there, in her, for her, she draws him in, embraces and enveloped him. When all is over he is spent, but ah, what a sweet death it is.
“And that is how life is created. The beauty of a woman arouses a man to play the man, the strength of a man, offered tenderly to his woman, allows her to be beautiful, it brings life to her and to many. This is far, far more than sex and orgasm. It is a reality that extends to every aspect of our lives. When a man withholds himself from his woman, he leaves her without the life only he can bring. This is never more true than how a man offers- or does not offer – his words. Life and death are in the power of the tongue says proverbs (18:21). She is made for and craves words from him” (185).
Monday, April 23, 2007
severe untreatable cystic acne
I'm having a day of indifference. I'm wondering whether job satisfaction is really that important. As long as I'm able to pay my rent and live each month, perhaps I don't need to be happy with my job. I don't believe its possible that people are always happy with their jobs, maybe I just need to suck it up and be happy as long as each work day ends.
Today, the work irritation wasn't from the kids. It was actually one of my "superiors" who got under my skin. As I as about to leave the RA office she said "Either you need to pull your skirt up or pull your shirt down." It was said in a tone as if she was reprimanding a child! I might have been a little understanding if it had been a repeat offense, but it was the only time she has ever commented on the way I dressed. I was wearing a magenta draw-string linen skirt with a black short sleeved v-neck sweater. At the most there was maybe a half inch sliver of my stomach showing and it's not like it was intentional.
I was so stunned that I couldn't even muster a response. And of course afterwards I'm beating myself up for allowing her to speak to me in that way without any rebuke. She had no right. I HATE this woman. I hope that her daughter has severe untreatable cystic acne just like she did. Only that would make me feel better.
I contemplated just showing up to work naked one day. Unfortunately, I don't think I could even make it out my front door without any clothes on. I also don't really have a desire to be fired at this point, since I don't have a backup plan quite yet.
I think I am going to have to start keeping a tally on who pisses me off more, the kids or administration. Hmm...
Today, the work irritation wasn't from the kids. It was actually one of my "superiors" who got under my skin. As I as about to leave the RA office she said "Either you need to pull your skirt up or pull your shirt down." It was said in a tone as if she was reprimanding a child! I might have been a little understanding if it had been a repeat offense, but it was the only time she has ever commented on the way I dressed. I was wearing a magenta draw-string linen skirt with a black short sleeved v-neck sweater. At the most there was maybe a half inch sliver of my stomach showing and it's not like it was intentional.
I was so stunned that I couldn't even muster a response. And of course afterwards I'm beating myself up for allowing her to speak to me in that way without any rebuke. She had no right. I HATE this woman. I hope that her daughter has severe untreatable cystic acne just like she did. Only that would make me feel better.
I contemplated just showing up to work naked one day. Unfortunately, I don't think I could even make it out my front door without any clothes on. I also don't really have a desire to be fired at this point, since I don't have a backup plan quite yet.
I think I am going to have to start keeping a tally on who pisses me off more, the kids or administration. Hmm...
Sunday, April 22, 2007
the perfect wife
Yesterday, over dinner, Roomie and Kdub discussed "the perfect wife." Though I did not partake in this conversation, I heard bits and pieces of it from both of them. From what I gathered, Kdub's idea of the perfect wife is built upon being a virgin; an uncharted sexual territory. If she marries her current boyfriend, then she will be fulfilling this ideal. I'm not sure what other qualities her perfect wife possesses, but I found it interesting to think of what kind of perfect wife I would like to be.
The first thing that comes to mind is sexy. Perhaps in the way she walks, or the way she talks or just the little things she does when no one is watching. I suppose everyone has a different standard of sexy, but I think Salma Hayek's character in Fools Rush In (one of my favoritest movies) epitomizes it. There is a scene where Matthew Perry is watching her as she makes dinner and he's in awe of her. That's perfect wife material and I'm sure anyone who has seen the movie would agree.
In my opinion, other components of the perfect wife are thoughtfulness, having her own interests and the foresight to plan for the future. Perhaps I'm taking the easy way out in my description of the perfect wife with the potentially ill-conceived notion that I'm already near-perfect. Maybe what I should be including among the "perfect wife" requirements is actually vulnerability and being able to depend on someone else. I know those are things that I struggle with. And in a union, in a partnership, a marriage, there has to be room for that interdependency.
I think that I'm only able to admit that after reading an email that E sent to me.
Sex is easy. I've never had any problems with sex, but love, it seems to allude me. I feel like there is a force field around me that prevents anyone from penetrating my heart. Ugh... how do I fix this?
future installment: the perfect husband
The first thing that comes to mind is sexy. Perhaps in the way she walks, or the way she talks or just the little things she does when no one is watching. I suppose everyone has a different standard of sexy, but I think Salma Hayek's character in Fools Rush In (one of my favoritest movies) epitomizes it. There is a scene where Matthew Perry is watching her as she makes dinner and he's in awe of her. That's perfect wife material and I'm sure anyone who has seen the movie would agree.
In my opinion, other components of the perfect wife are thoughtfulness, having her own interests and the foresight to plan for the future. Perhaps I'm taking the easy way out in my description of the perfect wife with the potentially ill-conceived notion that I'm already near-perfect. Maybe what I should be including among the "perfect wife" requirements is actually vulnerability and being able to depend on someone else. I know those are things that I struggle with. And in a union, in a partnership, a marriage, there has to be room for that interdependency.
I think that I'm only able to admit that after reading an email that E sent to me.
Sex is easy. I've never had any problems with sex, but love, it seems to allude me. I feel like there is a force field around me that prevents anyone from penetrating my heart. Ugh... how do I fix this?
future installment: the perfect husband
the game of life
On a boring Thursday afternoon this week, I managed to become an entertainer, make a career change to highway patrol (with a fatty raise!), get married, buy a cool condo, have a baby girl, and retire with well over a million dollars. Needless to say, I was a winner.
It was a bit anti-climactic, I guess that's how it is when life is a gameboard.
It was a bit anti-climactic, I guess that's how it is when life is a gameboard.
thoughts on blogging
Not many people read my blog. I mean... I think I can count on one hand the people that actually read it. I'm just glad that someone is reading it, I suppose. I noticed in my last post that I was referring to people in nicknames, kinda. I think this is possibly because one of Froms' (hahaha) students found her blog and BLACKMAILED her with it! Can you believe that? A sixth grader!!! She threatened her saying, "I guess I'll be getting a good grade on the next test." I was in shock. It is still shocking to me! I do not know where kids get this sense of entitlement. Are they modeling after their parents? And if so, how come their parents haven't put them in check?!
Anyway... now that I got that out... I can get back to my thoughts on blogging. I've been reading a couple people's blogs lately. Strangers. *gasp* It was interesting, but what might be the most interesting aspect of it all, is that I feel like I know them. There is so much that you can ascertain about someone from reading about their thoughts. I've actually even passed judgement on them as well!! They've had pictures of themselves in their blogs which of course is necessary to keep my interest. Through reading their blogs, I've decided whether I would like them as people or not. I don't know what to make of this, except for the fact that I have too much free time at work.
It makes me wonder what a stranger could/would gather from my blog. Is my blog a better representation of me than what I present on a daily basis? Is my blog a correct representation of me? Am I a likeable person through my blog? Hmm...
Anyway... now that I got that out... I can get back to my thoughts on blogging. I've been reading a couple people's blogs lately. Strangers. *gasp* It was interesting, but what might be the most interesting aspect of it all, is that I feel like I know them. There is so much that you can ascertain about someone from reading about their thoughts. I've actually even passed judgement on them as well!! They've had pictures of themselves in their blogs which of course is necessary to keep my interest. Through reading their blogs, I've decided whether I would like them as people or not. I don't know what to make of this, except for the fact that I have too much free time at work.
It makes me wonder what a stranger could/would gather from my blog. Is my blog a better representation of me than what I present on a daily basis? Is my blog a correct representation of me? Am I a likeable person through my blog? Hmm...
week in summary - the good
I don't know when my week became decidedly "good". Perhaps it was just a blur until Friday. Friday I got to see P for the first time in what seems to be awhile. We had a late dinner/snack at Panache and then stayed there for the rest of the evening. Well, Roomie and I stayed, and P went to Play for Tito's birthday party. I've never met anyone named Tito, I guess I missed my chance.
So, Roomie might have a Chinese boyfriend soon! She intrigued him with her Pocky offering and then impressed him with her Chinese vocabulary. I'm really excited for her and Friday was fun. Panache had an interesting crowd and HT-approved music, not the best, but dance-able. While we were out that night, P ran into one of her friends. Turns out, the friend wanted to get me drinks all night. It was kind of odd, and of course I didn't take full advantage of her offer because I didn't (still don't) even know her name! Her boyfriend was one of two guys which we deemed "the hip hop moguls" because they were wearing track suits and HUGE gold chains. They were all nice, but I think it was apparent that their agenda was just to floss. The DJ never played the current roomie theme song, which we requested continually, but I think we were satisfied, especially since a fight broke out at precisely the minute we were trying to leave.
I was worried that I would be too tired to be hype for the Clipse concert on Saturday night since I had to work from 1-9 that day, but work was pretty good. I took the middle school girls to hang out in Silver Spring. We went to the library for about 10 minutes so that one of them could get some reading material, then we went to Coldstone and enjoyed our ice cream on the huge astroturf lawn. We lounged there for a bit and then headed to Whole Foods for an early dinner. It was a peaceful day and pretty much all I could have asked for in terms of a Saturday afternoon (Ok... I had secretly hoped to go do the paddle boats at the Tidal Basin or visit the National Geographic Museum, but maybe another time...). It was relaxing for all of us, which was important since this girl had a concert to go to and those girls had an upcoming day trip to New York to save their energy for.
Anyway, the concert was a good time. We were standing directly in front of the stage. The Clipse didn't perform all the songs I had hoped for, perhaps next time we will try to make requests? We left about 5 minutes into the Mya performance and met Malice of the Clipse outside. He seemed really nice. He was drinking some hot tea since his voice was almost gone. When we took a picture with him, Kristin was crouching down a little bit and he told her not to, it was slightly embarassing since she was a little taller than him. Meeting him, however brief the interaction was, was definitely the highlight of the evening.
I haven't both weekend nights off since... I can't even remember! I'm glad that I got to enjoy it, although I am tired now. It is beautimous out and I hope that I can get myself together to go to the astroturf lawn and soak in some sunshine. There is another blog formulating in my head that needs to come out. Like my sneezes, my blogs come in threes(es... haha).
So, Roomie might have a Chinese boyfriend soon! She intrigued him with her Pocky offering and then impressed him with her Chinese vocabulary. I'm really excited for her and Friday was fun. Panache had an interesting crowd and HT-approved music, not the best, but dance-able. While we were out that night, P ran into one of her friends. Turns out, the friend wanted to get me drinks all night. It was kind of odd, and of course I didn't take full advantage of her offer because I didn't (still don't) even know her name! Her boyfriend was one of two guys which we deemed "the hip hop moguls" because they were wearing track suits and HUGE gold chains. They were all nice, but I think it was apparent that their agenda was just to floss. The DJ never played the current roomie theme song, which we requested continually, but I think we were satisfied, especially since a fight broke out at precisely the minute we were trying to leave.
I was worried that I would be too tired to be hype for the Clipse concert on Saturday night since I had to work from 1-9 that day, but work was pretty good. I took the middle school girls to hang out in Silver Spring. We went to the library for about 10 minutes so that one of them could get some reading material, then we went to Coldstone and enjoyed our ice cream on the huge astroturf lawn. We lounged there for a bit and then headed to Whole Foods for an early dinner. It was a peaceful day and pretty much all I could have asked for in terms of a Saturday afternoon (Ok... I had secretly hoped to go do the paddle boats at the Tidal Basin or visit the National Geographic Museum, but maybe another time...). It was relaxing for all of us, which was important since this girl had a concert to go to and those girls had an upcoming day trip to New York to save their energy for.
Anyway, the concert was a good time. We were standing directly in front of the stage. The Clipse didn't perform all the songs I had hoped for, perhaps next time we will try to make requests? We left about 5 minutes into the Mya performance and met Malice of the Clipse outside. He seemed really nice. He was drinking some hot tea since his voice was almost gone. When we took a picture with him, Kristin was crouching down a little bit and he told her not to, it was slightly embarassing since she was a little taller than him. Meeting him, however brief the interaction was, was definitely the highlight of the evening.
I haven't both weekend nights off since... I can't even remember! I'm glad that I got to enjoy it, although I am tired now. It is beautimous out and I hope that I can get myself together to go to the astroturf lawn and soak in some sunshine. There is another blog formulating in my head that needs to come out. Like my sneezes, my blogs come in threes(es... haha).
week in summary - the bad
Cold pizza, mountain dew, GORGEOUS day, and my ipod in the background. Most definitely the ideal Sunday afternoon. I haven't felt complete enough to blog this past week. I've had so many different thoughts and feelings, but they were/are very fragmented in my head and I didn't want to commit any of that to my blog, until I had a stretch of time to let it all marinate.
Even though I didn't graduate from Tech, I have and always will maintain that I'm a Hokie for life. Monday was an extremely devastating day and this whole week was steeped in heartache. Every time it was on the news, I couldn't look away. The first shooting took place in my freshman dorm and one of the professors that was concerned about his writing, spoke to my freshman English class. The whole thing weighed heavily on me and was always in the back of my mind. The Virginia Tech Massacre - massacre - that is precisely what it was, but for that word to be attached to a place that held so many happy memories, so many traditions and so much pride... It's hard to swallow.
All the problems in the world make me see more and more that I don't want to be wasting my life surrounded my negativity. A lot of kids at work irritate me to no end and I need something more in my life. Monday was all kinds of horrible. The wind was so strong that it took out a lot of power lines and of course those brats just want to make a mockery of everything, without a care for anyone's safety since they are just self-serving idiots. The power actually ended up going out at the school around 8:30, which wasn't actually too bad. We just sent them up to bed early and then sat around in the dark. *shrug*
Monday was a long day and I wanted to start fresh on Tuesday, but Tuesday ended up being almost as bad as Monday. I was so tired and all I really wanted was to go get a free cone at Ben and Jerry's. I didn't end up getting my free cone, so the day was a complete disappointment. I needed to catch up on my sleep, but of course I always have trouble sleeping in, so I have to get up, eat, then go back to bed. Well, my dad kept calling... so finally I had a early dinner with him. Ugh... I just felt pulled in so many directions. I want to be home when I can so I can be there for my mom because I know she is stressed out and emotionally drained. If I didn't have to be at work, I would be home more, but then again, I also have to be in Maryland to be in contact with my dad when he needs me too. My threshold for guilt is so low. I feel like I have to be there for everyone all at once and even when my parents say that they are ok without me there, I can't help but feel like it's not true. :(
There has just been a lot to process lately with all the different things going on. On Monday, I got a call from the doctor telling me that I have high cholesterol and that they found protein in my urine. Of course, I don't really know what any of this means. I looked up some stuff online, but I'm not sure what needs to happen. I'm going back to see the doctor at the end of the month. A fortune teller once told me that I would live into my 90s, so I'm not really that worried, but I guess I wonder how these things may affect my quality of life.
Yeah, so this sums up the thumbs down of my week.
Even though I didn't graduate from Tech, I have and always will maintain that I'm a Hokie for life. Monday was an extremely devastating day and this whole week was steeped in heartache. Every time it was on the news, I couldn't look away. The first shooting took place in my freshman dorm and one of the professors that was concerned about his writing, spoke to my freshman English class. The whole thing weighed heavily on me and was always in the back of my mind. The Virginia Tech Massacre - massacre - that is precisely what it was, but for that word to be attached to a place that held so many happy memories, so many traditions and so much pride... It's hard to swallow.
All the problems in the world make me see more and more that I don't want to be wasting my life surrounded my negativity. A lot of kids at work irritate me to no end and I need something more in my life. Monday was all kinds of horrible. The wind was so strong that it took out a lot of power lines and of course those brats just want to make a mockery of everything, without a care for anyone's safety since they are just self-serving idiots. The power actually ended up going out at the school around 8:30, which wasn't actually too bad. We just sent them up to bed early and then sat around in the dark. *shrug*
Monday was a long day and I wanted to start fresh on Tuesday, but Tuesday ended up being almost as bad as Monday. I was so tired and all I really wanted was to go get a free cone at Ben and Jerry's. I didn't end up getting my free cone, so the day was a complete disappointment. I needed to catch up on my sleep, but of course I always have trouble sleeping in, so I have to get up, eat, then go back to bed. Well, my dad kept calling... so finally I had a early dinner with him. Ugh... I just felt pulled in so many directions. I want to be home when I can so I can be there for my mom because I know she is stressed out and emotionally drained. If I didn't have to be at work, I would be home more, but then again, I also have to be in Maryland to be in contact with my dad when he needs me too. My threshold for guilt is so low. I feel like I have to be there for everyone all at once and even when my parents say that they are ok without me there, I can't help but feel like it's not true. :(
There has just been a lot to process lately with all the different things going on. On Monday, I got a call from the doctor telling me that I have high cholesterol and that they found protein in my urine. Of course, I don't really know what any of this means. I looked up some stuff online, but I'm not sure what needs to happen. I'm going back to see the doctor at the end of the month. A fortune teller once told me that I would live into my 90s, so I'm not really that worried, but I guess I wonder how these things may affect my quality of life.
Yeah, so this sums up the thumbs down of my week.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
i'm mean...
Last night when I went out, I think at least 5 guys commented on the fact that I was mean. My face can't hide my feelings of disgust when a) I am displeased b) I think something is stupid or c) I am disinterested. I can't help it. I don't even know when I'm making this face, which is unfortunate, because apparently, it's highly offensive! Though, I guess the eyerolls are pretty deliberate. Oops...
Even if a guy can get past the disgusted face... usually I have some sort of mean comment or I make him feel stupid (the only reason I know this is because they tell me), though I suppose sometimes that's the same thing.
Once a guy asked me how old he looked and I said late 20s and then he said he was actually in his mid-30s, to which I replied, "Oh, must be the lighting." I didn't even think it was mean until I had to repeat myself when he couldn't hear me the first time. Sorry guy.
Another time a guy told me that I looked nice and I said, "I know, people have been telling me all night." He left soon after this exchange and I think he might have made a not so pleasant remark as he walked away. *shrug*
I've tried to be nicer. Really. It just hasn't worked yet. Any advice?
Even if a guy can get past the disgusted face... usually I have some sort of mean comment or I make him feel stupid (the only reason I know this is because they tell me), though I suppose sometimes that's the same thing.
Once a guy asked me how old he looked and I said late 20s and then he said he was actually in his mid-30s, to which I replied, "Oh, must be the lighting." I didn't even think it was mean until I had to repeat myself when he couldn't hear me the first time. Sorry guy.
Another time a guy told me that I looked nice and I said, "I know, people have been telling me all night." He left soon after this exchange and I think he might have made a not so pleasant remark as he walked away. *shrug*
I've tried to be nicer. Really. It just hasn't worked yet. Any advice?
Friday, April 13, 2007
just friends
Rejection. It definitely sucks more to be the rejectee than the rejector, but commiserate with me for a minute.
The other day I had to tell a good friend that I did not see anything between us romantically. The whole topic was broached when he said "What if I want to be more than friends?"
***Extreme crickets***
We have been friends for a couple years now and there was a mild infatuation for a short while, but probably only out of boredom or loneliness. I think he was on the rebound and I liked having someone write my philosophy papers. This is some advice he needs to be referred to. Thank Jon's blog.
"becoming a woman's friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. if you haven't gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won't ever get her. she'll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she's having with someone else."
I've seen him try to get flirty here and there and it really hasn't been well-received, rather ignored... It's been a couple days since we've talked and though he said that he's ok with it, I can't help but feel like he is hurt. He handled it really well, but maybe he just needs some time to lick his wounds? He had recently invited me to with him to San Diego to cheer him on/help him out during a marathon, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to go anymore. That would be awkward.
I think sometimes when I'm being the rejector, I can be a little callous, but it's not because I am not considering their feelings. I just don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want anyone to have false hope, because I think that is cruel. I'd rather not sugarcoat because that's just not my style. I'm glad that this recent rejection of sorts was not in person. I'm glad that it was a simple conversation and not some sort of touchy feely come-on. Nobody likes an unwanted advance, especially this girl. I am not going to let you make out with me to spare your feelings (like some girls I know... ahem... hahaha). Isn't it better to get your face cracked verbally than physically?
The other day I had to tell a good friend that I did not see anything between us romantically. The whole topic was broached when he said "What if I want to be more than friends?"
***Extreme crickets***
We have been friends for a couple years now and there was a mild infatuation for a short while, but probably only out of boredom or loneliness. I think he was on the rebound and I liked having someone write my philosophy papers. This is some advice he needs to be referred to. Thank Jon's blog.
"becoming a woman's friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. if you haven't gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won't ever get her. she'll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she's having with someone else."
I've seen him try to get flirty here and there and it really hasn't been well-received, rather ignored... It's been a couple days since we've talked and though he said that he's ok with it, I can't help but feel like he is hurt. He handled it really well, but maybe he just needs some time to lick his wounds? He had recently invited me to with him to San Diego to cheer him on/help him out during a marathon, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to go anymore. That would be awkward.
I think sometimes when I'm being the rejector, I can be a little callous, but it's not because I am not considering their feelings. I just don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want anyone to have false hope, because I think that is cruel. I'd rather not sugarcoat because that's just not my style. I'm glad that this recent rejection of sorts was not in person. I'm glad that it was a simple conversation and not some sort of touchy feely come-on. Nobody likes an unwanted advance, especially this girl. I am not going to let you make out with me to spare your feelings (like some girls I know... ahem... hahaha). Isn't it better to get your face cracked verbally than physically?
something new
Seeing an example of a certain extreme can propel you in the opposite direction.
Learning of someone's stubborn and indefensible behavior yesterday made me want to suck up whatever pride or frustration I had and take the necessary action to be a better person. I think we have to take the cues that we are given in life and utilize them to improve ourselves. We have a responsibility to those around us to mature and progress beyond our comfort levels.
I know that some people are more quick to self-evaluate and correct than others. We are not all on the same timeline, but it can become a problem in relationships when someone is stagnant.
I welcome change. I always have. I enjoy having new and different experiences and learning more about my own capabilities; challenging myself, testing my limits. I think my current challenge is actually staying in one place instead of packing up and leaving to a random city. I've already decided to go to University of Maryland, so that commitment is definitely going to keep me here for another year or two. I'm getting to really experience and enjoy DC for the first time as well. I have no complaints for the moment, except for the whole hating work bit, but I know that will change too.
Learning of someone's stubborn and indefensible behavior yesterday made me want to suck up whatever pride or frustration I had and take the necessary action to be a better person. I think we have to take the cues that we are given in life and utilize them to improve ourselves. We have a responsibility to those around us to mature and progress beyond our comfort levels.
I know that some people are more quick to self-evaluate and correct than others. We are not all on the same timeline, but it can become a problem in relationships when someone is stagnant.
I welcome change. I always have. I enjoy having new and different experiences and learning more about my own capabilities; challenging myself, testing my limits. I think my current challenge is actually staying in one place instead of packing up and leaving to a random city. I've already decided to go to University of Maryland, so that commitment is definitely going to keep me here for another year or two. I'm getting to really experience and enjoy DC for the first time as well. I have no complaints for the moment, except for the whole hating work bit, but I know that will change too.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
thanks, but no thanks
Is it weird that one of my old (as in we're not friends anymore) best friends gave me a gold heart locket with our pictures in it as a birthday gift? I think that this is an indication of an obsession. I mean, it's ultra-cheesy and a little creepy, wouldn't you say? I don't know what gave her the idea that it was a good gift idea.
Some people are really strange when it comes to showing their feelings. Back in elementary school, Locketgirl and I wrote and signed a friendship contract. I'm pretty sure it was her idea. She was really possessive of me and constantly tried to tell me what to do. Thank goodness we are no longer friends. She's dating an ex of mine now. I hope she's not dating him to feel closer to me. Ewww... I am really disturbed. Did I attract a strange person or did I make her into a strange person through my captivating personality?
Some people are really strange when it comes to showing their feelings. Back in elementary school, Locketgirl and I wrote and signed a friendship contract. I'm pretty sure it was her idea. She was really possessive of me and constantly tried to tell me what to do. Thank goodness we are no longer friends. She's dating an ex of mine now. I hope she's not dating him to feel closer to me. Ewww... I am really disturbed. Did I attract a strange person or did I make her into a strange person through my captivating personality?
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
dixie cup
I just got back from an afternoon of running errands. Library, blood lab, and Trader Joe's. I dropped off books, did my blood work, peed in a cup, then got some dinner for the evening.
The blood lab was sooooo low-budget. I'm working under the assumption that most places where you give urine samples, they have a box in the bathroom where you put the sample. Here? No box. You know what they gave me to pee in? A dixie cup. So, after I peed into the dixie cup, I had to bring it out to her and set it on the counter. Mildly awkward. I was so glad to get out of there.
The blood lab was sooooo low-budget. I'm working under the assumption that most places where you give urine samples, they have a box in the bathroom where you put the sample. Here? No box. You know what they gave me to pee in? A dixie cup. So, after I peed into the dixie cup, I had to bring it out to her and set it on the counter. Mildly awkward. I was so glad to get out of there.
Monday, April 09, 2007
bunny is pissed
My mom wanted to put my bunny back in her cage because they are changing the blinds in my room (umm... she broke them... no big surprise, the bunny, not my mom!). For the past two years she has been roaming free in my bedroom.
Anyway, she's back in her cage now and pissed! She's a bunny, you think, how can you tell she's pissed? Right after I put her in her cage, she dug up a sheet of newspaper from the bottom of her cage and covered herself with it. And now, everytime my mom goes to feed her, she does the same thing. My poor angry baby. Usually, she is really sweet and friendly. I guess this shows you how emotional and spoiled animals can be!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
can't. stop. blogging.
Last night one of my co-workers, a sweet middle aged woman made a comment that just amused me right now. She was with some of the 6th grade girls in the hallway and they asked if they could go up the boys' stairway. There was the slightest pause and I did not hear my co-worker respond, so I chimed a resounding "no" from the RA office.
Then my co-worker said "Ms. HT has no problem saying no."
It's quite true. "No" was my first word. Probably because I was always doing something bad and had to be stopped. And then my brother came along and of course I had to say it to him too.
And nothing has changed. :)
Then my co-worker said "Ms. HT has no problem saying no."
It's quite true. "No" was my first word. Probably because I was always doing something bad and had to be stopped. And then my brother came along and of course I had to say it to him too.
And nothing has changed. :)
not done yet...
In the chaos that April has ushered in... I've forgotten to highlight the anniversaries of two pivotal events in my life.
One actually occurred today, two years ago. My grandma died. She was and always will be my soulmate. I wonder how different my life would have been if she had not gone back to Singapore when I was in middle school. I would probably be a much different person.
The other one occurred a year ago in the early morning of April 2nd. I realized the fulfillment of a life fantasy (sorry for being vague, but I know someone knows what I'm talking about)... and I learned that things aren't all they are cracked up to be. Unadulterated idolization from afar does not equal chemistry and I'm ok with that. Oh well...
One actually occurred today, two years ago. My grandma died. She was and always will be my soulmate. I wonder how different my life would have been if she had not gone back to Singapore when I was in middle school. I would probably be a much different person.
The other one occurred a year ago in the early morning of April 2nd. I realized the fulfillment of a life fantasy (sorry for being vague, but I know someone knows what I'm talking about)... and I learned that things aren't all they are cracked up to be. Unadulterated idolization from afar does not equal chemistry and I'm ok with that. Oh well...
huh...
I haven't been able to work out lately. Ok, that's a lie, I haven't chosen to work out lately. First, I was sick, then I was just super busy, now... I feel yuck. I'm still trying to recover from my overnight shift. My dad kept calling me while I was trying to sleep this afternoon. Ugh... Anyway, I have to accompany him to the doctor next Tuesday. I hope that nothing is wrong with him, that whatever is bothering him can be taken care of here. If it's too much of an ordeal to treat it here, he will go back to Taiwan.
Today while I was trying to wake up I had a thought that life would be so much better right now if only I didn't have this canker sore in my lip. owww... My breasts are tender to the point of pain and I'm wearing a bra around the house. That is unheard of for me... there really isn't much reason for a girl my size to wear a bra. *sigh*
Not much purpose to this blog... just thought you'd enjoy the update. I'm spending the evening watching Food Network. Emeril just made pho... fascinating. He even had the Sriracha, which I just call the Rooster.
You know they have blogger parties... I find it intriguing. Its nice to be able to put a face with a blog. I don't read many, in fact, I don't read any anonymous (well, anonymous to me...) blogs. Do I need to start attaching a face to my blog? Hmmm...
Today while I was trying to wake up I had a thought that life would be so much better right now if only I didn't have this canker sore in my lip. owww... My breasts are tender to the point of pain and I'm wearing a bra around the house. That is unheard of for me... there really isn't much reason for a girl my size to wear a bra. *sigh*
Not much purpose to this blog... just thought you'd enjoy the update. I'm spending the evening watching Food Network. Emeril just made pho... fascinating. He even had the Sriracha, which I just call the Rooster.
You know they have blogger parties... I find it intriguing. Its nice to be able to put a face with a blog. I don't read many, in fact, I don't read any anonymous (well, anonymous to me...) blogs. Do I need to start attaching a face to my blog? Hmmm...
overnight shift...
hmm... some random thoughts i'd like to get down since i have nothing else to do...
1. i hid easter eggs around school for the easter egg hunt that they are having in the am. i haven't hidden easter eggs since junior or senior year of college. it was only for one person and there were only maybe 6 eggs. hiding eggs is fun, kinda.
2. some of the kids played red rover and duck duck goose earlier tonight - it made me miss the first graders.
3. one of the kids here, probably a secret favorite, asked me about my stepdad and i thought that was really sweet of her. she is probably going to be asked to leave because she has gotten a little chunky. :(
4. i have 7 weeks left of the school year. i get a break for a couple weeks, then start back for summer session. then i'll have all of august off.
5. my roomie is moving to new york in august... so i have to find a new roomie for next year. i only want to live here until i finish grad school, then who knows where i'll go... the land where all kids are nice little first graders that adore me and books?
1. i hid easter eggs around school for the easter egg hunt that they are having in the am. i haven't hidden easter eggs since junior or senior year of college. it was only for one person and there were only maybe 6 eggs. hiding eggs is fun, kinda.
2. some of the kids played red rover and duck duck goose earlier tonight - it made me miss the first graders.
3. one of the kids here, probably a secret favorite, asked me about my stepdad and i thought that was really sweet of her. she is probably going to be asked to leave because she has gotten a little chunky. :(
4. i have 7 weeks left of the school year. i get a break for a couple weeks, then start back for summer session. then i'll have all of august off.
5. my roomie is moving to new york in august... so i have to find a new roomie for next year. i only want to live here until i finish grad school, then who knows where i'll go... the land where all kids are nice little first graders that adore me and books?
Thursday, April 05, 2007
lately... ok, just this past week
I've felt oddly disengaged from some of my friends. They've talked to me about what I've found to be immensely trivial things while I'm having these life epiphanies left and right and trying to make sense of the big picture. I feel as if some of them haven't really been there for me as of late.
I rationalize my feelings and in an instant, they're gone. Once I'm no longer swept up in them, I no longer feel the need to share them with everyone. I'm not really the type to reach out. I'm almost more comfortable divulging to someone who I don't know as well.
I don't like talking about my feelings. I don't really know how to be emotional, so when I am, it is surreal to me. I almost hate it when it happens because I feel like I have no control. There are just some very glaring triggers that I seem to have and no matter how many times I deal with or discuss some things, I seem incapable of holding myself together. The moments where I display overwhelming emotion are brief and I can probably count on one hand how many people have been witnesses to them.
Among my friends I feel like I am more of the listening ear and the one that they come crying to. Most of the time when I'm dealing with a problem, I will typically deal with it on my own. I don't think my friends are as accessible as I am. I think I make myself pretty available to them.
Anyway, that's not really the point. There is some sort of vulnerability that I feel uncomfortable displaying and maybe I'm ultimately questioning the genuine concern of some of my friends. *shrug*
I rationalize my feelings and in an instant, they're gone. Once I'm no longer swept up in them, I no longer feel the need to share them with everyone. I'm not really the type to reach out. I'm almost more comfortable divulging to someone who I don't know as well.
I don't like talking about my feelings. I don't really know how to be emotional, so when I am, it is surreal to me. I almost hate it when it happens because I feel like I have no control. There are just some very glaring triggers that I seem to have and no matter how many times I deal with or discuss some things, I seem incapable of holding myself together. The moments where I display overwhelming emotion are brief and I can probably count on one hand how many people have been witnesses to them.
Among my friends I feel like I am more of the listening ear and the one that they come crying to. Most of the time when I'm dealing with a problem, I will typically deal with it on my own. I don't think my friends are as accessible as I am. I think I make myself pretty available to them.
Anyway, that's not really the point. There is some sort of vulnerability that I feel uncomfortable displaying and maybe I'm ultimately questioning the genuine concern of some of my friends. *shrug*
three words
Three words scrawled on a sheet of paper awoke my consciousness of life and love.
My stepdad is in the hospital with pneumonia and some sort of lung infection. He has a precarious health situation as is, so this is a severe affliction. He has tubes down his throat and all sorts of IVs, machines, and things connected to him. He can't talk, but when he is awake he struggles to communicate with my mom. He asks her about me and my brother and about his condition and even about my bunny.
On this sheet of paper, I saw "Will I be able to walk?" and "Will I be able to talk?" It was jarring to see those questions. It must be something else all together to be the one asking them.
Also on this paper was "Will I live?"
The moment I saw those words, I was plunged into the wrenching depth of love and the potential pain of loss. I can only imagine how my mom reacted to those words when she saw them. My initial reaction would have been to cry uncontrollable heaving sobs, but on second thought I see how stupid that would have been. In this situation, my mom had to have pure optimism, which I'm confident she managed. I guess a part of love is having someone else's pain intertwined with your own and being strong enough to be their lifeline.
My stepdad is in the hospital with pneumonia and some sort of lung infection. He has a precarious health situation as is, so this is a severe affliction. He has tubes down his throat and all sorts of IVs, machines, and things connected to him. He can't talk, but when he is awake he struggles to communicate with my mom. He asks her about me and my brother and about his condition and even about my bunny.
On this sheet of paper, I saw "Will I be able to walk?" and "Will I be able to talk?" It was jarring to see those questions. It must be something else all together to be the one asking them.
Also on this paper was "Will I live?"
The moment I saw those words, I was plunged into the wrenching depth of love and the potential pain of loss. I can only imagine how my mom reacted to those words when she saw them. My initial reaction would have been to cry uncontrollable heaving sobs, but on second thought I see how stupid that would have been. In this situation, my mom had to have pure optimism, which I'm confident she managed. I guess a part of love is having someone else's pain intertwined with your own and being strong enough to be their lifeline.
Last Day of Camp Diva...
Today was the last day of camp and my first day at work since Sunday morning. I went from my happy fatigue at camp to empty exhaustion at work. I don't have to go straight to bed for my Friday morning shift, so I can finally get out some of the thoughts that my brain has been drowning in.
Working at camp has been such an amazing experience. I'm not sure if I could have lasted longer than a week, but I guess this was a highly unusual week anyway. Camp was constant smiles and every day that I left, I felt fulfilled in a way that I don't know if I have ever felt in my life. Though, I guess it could be because of its contrast against the ballet academy.
No one is going to call me Ms. Nairobi anymore. :( I had those of them that wanted to, write letters to themselves which I will mail to them in 4 years. Only a couple of them did it, but the letters are still so adorable. We also signed our camp t-shirts today, which was also very cute. I loved my little campers so much. They seem to have a blind adoration. I was sitting with them trying to play a card game and even though I didn't really know the rules, they were still happy to play and Amber even told me how much fun it was! They just want to be near you and maybe have their little hands held as you walk. I think that many people would be significantly happier if they had a Lilia, Eleanor, or Khadidiatou in their life.
Why can't I find a full-time job that is this fulfilling? *sigh*
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Aria
Today, I had a new little one, Aria. She is hands down the tiniest in the bunch, to the point that she looks malnourished. She was wearing a little halter style sundress and her hair was a tangled mess. There was a quiet sadness about her, a vacancy in her eyes. When I spoke to her, she wouldn't make eye contact, looked down at the ground instead.
I watched her during Music/Dance and noticed how difficult it was for her to pay attention. She was staring in the mirror and switching from covering her left eye to her right eye. This was when I noticed a big bruise on her forehead. I know kids get bumps and bruises all the time, I must have sent at least 5 different girls to the first aide station today, but there was such an unsettling feeling about her.
At snack time, when I was talking to her, I noticed a slight pungency about her, like she hadn't been properly bathed. I also noticed that she finished every bit of her lunch as well as the snack. Her appetite didn't seem to fit her size or stature.
I guess all I can do is keep an eye on her and talk to the camp director when I get the chance. It's difficult to decide what to do in these situations because you never know the outcome. I will hope for the best and not make any assumptions for now.
I watched her during Music/Dance and noticed how difficult it was for her to pay attention. She was staring in the mirror and switching from covering her left eye to her right eye. This was when I noticed a big bruise on her forehead. I know kids get bumps and bruises all the time, I must have sent at least 5 different girls to the first aide station today, but there was such an unsettling feeling about her.
At snack time, when I was talking to her, I noticed a slight pungency about her, like she hadn't been properly bathed. I also noticed that she finished every bit of her lunch as well as the snack. Her appetite didn't seem to fit her size or stature.
I guess all I can do is keep an eye on her and talk to the camp director when I get the chance. It's difficult to decide what to do in these situations because you never know the outcome. I will hope for the best and not make any assumptions for now.
i love first graders
Day Two of Spring Break Camp and I still love it. I don't know what it is about hearing compliments from first graders. The wonder in their eyes and the bright smiles on their faces get me every time. Seeing Zuva come bounding into the gym this morning, Gianny giving me a hug before she got ready to go on the bus, or just the way they always ask you if they can have permission to do something.
Today, Eleanor said to me during lunch, "You're the best teacher in the whole world." She also told me how great it was for her to be at camp with me, in her own words.
While I was chatting with Lilia, I asked her what she liked most about yesterday and she said "Meeting you." Soooo incredibly adorable. It makes me wonder how it is that I was so fortunate to have such great little campers.
What is it about flattery from first graders? People tell me they like my shoes or that I look nice on any given day (hahaha... no ego problems here), but those are compliments that I rarely reflect on nor genuinely appreciate. There is something magical about their sweet, little scopes of the world that I can't help but love.
Today, Eleanor said to me during lunch, "You're the best teacher in the whole world." She also told me how great it was for her to be at camp with me, in her own words.
While I was chatting with Lilia, I asked her what she liked most about yesterday and she said "Meeting you." Soooo incredibly adorable. It makes me wonder how it is that I was so fortunate to have such great little campers.
What is it about flattery from first graders? People tell me they like my shoes or that I look nice on any given day (hahaha... no ego problems here), but those are compliments that I rarely reflect on nor genuinely appreciate. There is something magical about their sweet, little scopes of the world that I can't help but love.
Monday, April 02, 2007
i think i need naptime...
First graders are sooooo cute. I only had 14 little girls today and I kind of hope that I don't have any more tomorrow because they are a major handful, a precious handful, but a massive one. We aren't the elephants like I had hoped, instead they are my Little Froggies to match with the green.
If you ever need an ego boost, go to a first grade class. At any given moment, they will make you feel like a million bucks. Eliana told me I was the best teacher she's ever had (granted, as a first grader, how many could she have had?). Eleanor told me I was pretty. Lilia handed me a pepper and a snap pea along with some covered raisins during lunch. You really can't help but love them.
They are the sweetest, even when they don't want to play a game or participate. I'd say I only had one real problem kid today. Taylor - a buck-toothed one who kept saying mean things to her friend. Oh, wait, make that two problems... My aides weren't good aiders. One of them is a know-it-all who tries to control everything (and we know that I am the control freak in most situations), and the other two only helped when they felt like it, which was rare. And then the know-it-all wants to complain to me about the other two. *eyeroll*
I'm tired. Today was exhausting. I don't know how first grade teachers do it. I guess the structure of a classroom, desks, chairs, etc. helps. At camp I'm trying to keep track of my own belongings plus all their lunchbags, jackets, water bottles, etc. And of course the know-it-all aid has to put in her two cents. Just shut up and do what I say!!! Eighth graders... pains in the ass.
If you ever need an ego boost, go to a first grade class. At any given moment, they will make you feel like a million bucks. Eliana told me I was the best teacher she's ever had (granted, as a first grader, how many could she have had?). Eleanor told me I was pretty. Lilia handed me a pepper and a snap pea along with some covered raisins during lunch. You really can't help but love them.
They are the sweetest, even when they don't want to play a game or participate. I'd say I only had one real problem kid today. Taylor - a buck-toothed one who kept saying mean things to her friend. Oh, wait, make that two problems... My aides weren't good aiders. One of them is a know-it-all who tries to control everything (and we know that I am the control freak in most situations), and the other two only helped when they felt like it, which was rare. And then the know-it-all wants to complain to me about the other two. *eyeroll*
I'm tired. Today was exhausting. I don't know how first grade teachers do it. I guess the structure of a classroom, desks, chairs, etc. helps. At camp I'm trying to keep track of my own belongings plus all their lunchbags, jackets, water bottles, etc. And of course the know-it-all aid has to put in her two cents. Just shut up and do what I say!!! Eighth graders... pains in the ass.
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