you tell me...

How do you stay friends with someone you don't have anything in common with?

Over time, friendship becomes about sharing stories, sharing experiences, sharing life. It's nice to know you can just go over to someone's place and spend a lazy day together, running errands, chatting, etc. It isn't necessary to make a big to-do. A lot of friendship is about being accessible. Simple things like being around on a random night or picking up the phone at an important time are the moments that make a friendship.

Something that one of my friends recently mentioned to my roomie bothered me. She said that she has been out of contact with me as of late because all I ever talk about is J. I would be lying if I said J wasn't always on my mind (and for obvious reason, I believe), but I don't think that he is all I talk about. Her comment made me feel as if I am a boring individual... a virtual pod, which I don't think that I am. I am dismayed that my friend feels this way about me. Even if J is all I talk about, it's not like I don't allow my friends to get a word in. And I will readily engage in conversation about anything that they want to discuss. I believe I have a good gauge of the ongoings of most of my friends lives. Not only do I know the substance, but I have a pulse on the emotional and mental processes behind them as well. Let's face it, you'd be hard-pressed to find a friend as good as me. Hahahaha... i'll stop.

Looking at my recent blogs, I don't think I mention J all that much. Although anything about relationships may seem to link to J, I also think that the dynamics of relationships are one of my primary interests - family relationships, sibling relationships, romantic relationships, friend relationships, relationships between friends and significant others, etc.

Anyway, if you're reading this and you feel neglected by me or that I talk about J too much, let me know. I'll see what I can do to remedy the situation.

I called an old friend yesterday and we chatted briefly. I haven't talked to him in months and it was good to catch up a bit. I know for a fact that we didn't talk about J the entire time, especially since he had a lot of interesting things going on in his life to catch me up on. Yeah, so this is my life at the moment... if only I were so inspired to write about school library observations... ugh.

the waiting game

I've been toying with this blog for about a month now. I know the feelings that spawned these thoughts, but I am not sure what my point was, so I just decided to put it out there. *shrug*


How long does it take to know whether you love someone? Then what?

Idealistically, it would be an instantaneous thing. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Get married. Make babies. But even when it is love at first sight, you have to ponder how long before you act upon it because you don't want to jump the gun or scare the other person off. And then you have to ask yourself, what are you waiting for if you already know that someone is "the One". What kind of action are you expected to take?

We can all think of couples that seem like they're ready to seal the deal and we wonder why they haven't gotten married yet. Perhaps one of the people in the relationship is calling the shots and they aren't ready. Maybe they live together despite the lack of a formal commitment and are waiting for other things to fall in place, finances, divorces, I don't know... I guess we learned from a very early age that "First comes love, then comes marriage..." but it's not that easy anymore. Now there are way too many options and other factors.

And then there's the whole other side of waiting for the next step - getting to know each other versus jumping into a relationship, not rushing, living together, etc. Everyone really operates by a different set of rules, timelines, and expectations. At this point, I think we've talked relationships into the ground, yet somehow the dynamic of relationships remains an ever-present topic of conversation. Even though every relationship is so unique, people are forever judging. I think one of the purposes of this blog was to attempt to figure out why, but I haven't found the answer yet.

Oh wait, I have other questions.

So, how much time do you give someone? If you think you're in love with them and they're in love with you, could you wait forever? Is that fair? I've done more than my fair share of waiting and often it was unclear what I was waiting for. Maybe sometimes it was waiting for someone to mess up or for someone to open up (including myself). I never waited idly, I tried to keep an open heart and an open mind constantly working towards some sort of goal (closing the achievement gap, world peace, finding a cure for breast cancer, etc.). Yeah, so I've had lots of practice in the waiting game. I started early (but that's another story). I'm actually on a wait currently, but this time with a much clearer vision ahead.

J$

I am always nervous to talk to J$. Perhaps I should explain who J$ is. J$ is a recruiter for the company I work for. From the beginning of our phone/email exchanges, I had a feeling that he had a crush on me. Anyway, he just sent me an email to call him. So, after about 15 minutes, I did. Turns out he was calling to ask whether I wanted to be considered for a job opening (where I would hopefully be making some more money and doing something a tad more interesting). We shall see where this goes... I have a phone interview with a potential boss tomorrow! Can't get my hopes up yet, but perhaps after the interview I'll get a call from J$ telling me I got the job.

"Lust, Caution" - but mostly Caution

I just saw the movie "Lust, Caution" this past Sunday. It has been a few years since I've seen a movie that left me so tense and riled up (that movie was "Unfaithful"). The entire plot was too much for me to digest. And set in such a tumultuous time, there was no way that I could relate. There is one extremely violent sex scene as well as other violent images and bloody scenes; other things to which I could not relate. I think that the movie was definitely worth watching, but I didn't think I would be so disturbed. I can't stand the built-up tension that I feel and then not having a release. I needed some serious warm and fuzzies after that flick.

Anyway, the movie made a recent conversation that I had with JO (70+ co-worker who says "effing" as well as "poo on that") very relevant. He said "the mind is not an infinite space." Then he began to discourse on how we should be wary of what we put into our minds - what information, visuals, etc. that we take in because they affect us at the subconscious level. He admitted to not watching tv for that reason alone. He is a firm believer in a simple way of life, avoiding unncessary complication and waste of the valuable space in his mind. I don't know how long he has been living his life this way, but he made it clear that it was a deliberate decision. He also urges me not to talk to him about anything remotely disturbing.

I was looking at a strange book about pests or something once and there was something about a rat coming out of a toilet. I asked JO if he ever had a rat come out of his toilet. He was startled as if he couldn't believe his ears. Once he realized what I said, he replied, "HT, don't tell me these things. I don't want those images in my head." Oh, JO. You are definitely the best part of work.

what happens in the ladies room

So, I'm in the doorway of the ladies restroom and I see the cleaning lady in there. She is short and a little chubby with dyed reddish/brown curly hair. She has her back to me, but then she turns around, so I say "Hi."

Then she says with the whole 'ese' headbob (not sure if that is universally recognized, but I have confidence in my audience), "It's closed."

screaming idiot

As I opened the door to go down the stairway in my apartment building, someone was coming up.

I was startled. I screamed. Really loud.

Right in my neighbor's face.

She then said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know I was that scary." She was really nice about it.

Sorry neighbor.

I scream easily.

yellow tales

J sent me an email that his mom sent him. Here is the comical excerpt.

"HT and I e-mail each other regularly each week. She sent some good pictures of us when we were in Tenn. Quite naturally you and her picture were the first one in the photo book. Moma said ya'll favor and were the same complexion. Hopefully you two are not kin."

I think we're safe on that one. Unless J has some Chinese in him that he's not telling me about. I just thought it was funny that his grandma made that comment. Hilarious.

new guy

Work is still boring as ever, but my co-workers make things a bit more interesting.

The new guy is a tall, brown-haired, blue-eyed 40+ white man. I try my best to be nice to him but there has been no real rapport established. I have had more chats with this other guy though, B. He is my age and he has some witty things to say here and there.

Anyway, we had a meeting the other day. So, when it was about time to head over to the meeting I asked B if he was ready to go. B then asked New Guy if he was coming. New Guy got up as if he was going to follow us to the meeting. B and I got to the elevator and NG was nowhere to be seen. So, we headed off without him.

We lost NG. I guess he doesn't want to be our friend.

racial rejects

So, last weekend when Effie was visiting, she mentioned that she is a racial reject. Eureka!! Me too! We never really defined the term, so here is my attempt. A Racial Reject is someone who is not seen as _______ (fill in blank with the reject's racial group) enough for their cultural cohorts. I don't think white people can be RRs because they are in such a majority that they have plenty of subsets to choose from and other cultures who will accept them as the token white person in their group (or they could simply adopt aspects of a culture - music, food, language, etc.). No one will fault a white person for being interested in another culture as long as they aren't making a mockery of it, whereas anyone else's racial group will quickly spot a RR.

I was at dinner once with a bunch of my brother's friends and friends of friends. There was a kid there that didn't know me or my brother. Roomie and I ended up giving him a ride home and on the way, his impressions of me and my brother came out. Based on appearance, my brother looks a lot more "Asian" (ahem, fobbish) than I do. No one would spot my brother as a RR. However, my brother can not understand or speak any Chinese. The kid then said that I looked like I didn't speak Chinese. The kid had me pegged for an RR solely based on my appearance.

Knowing a language or any of the cultural norms is not what makes you part of your racial group. It is greatly dependant on appearance and your general life perspective.

I have made mention before about my lack of appeal towards Asian men. I'm missing Asian energy apparently. And I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have a very non-traditional Asian household. My parents came from two different countries, met in America, rushed into marriage, had kids and then a messy divorce. My uber-traditional dad did not have a major role in my childhood and my mom ended up marrying a black man.

I was fortunate to grow up in a place where I was surrounded by different races and could always find at least one person who looked similar to me. Early on, I gravitated towards those people, but I wasn't exclusive. In middle school, I had my little Asian clique, which was mainly exclusive. That fell to the wayside in high school, though I still had a few Asian friends. In college, I remember thinking that all the Asian kids travelled around in huge packs wearing black and I didn't want to be a part of that. There was one Chinese girl who I befriended for a short while, but then I realized she was shady.

I think for a lot of Asian people (at least on the East Coast), going to college was the first time that there were pockets of Asians for them to befriend, so they immerse themselves into it. I had that exposure early on and didn't really feel as if I fit in that well. My Chinese speaking skills weren't very sharp and they seemed a lot more materialistic than me. I think in the back of my mind I knew that there were certain expectations that I couldn't live up to and also some that of which I was not aware.

No one wants to quantify their _______-ness. I think in Black culture, they are a lot harder on their RRs. Asian RRs don't have to confront that as often because there aren't as many Asian people around. There are also cultural differences. Black people will give looks and make comments about RRs, whereas Asian people will just avoid or ignore them. I'm not sure how one becomes a RR. Environment, interests, experiences?

A distinction needs to be made between RRs and people that have openly rejected their race (for example, the black person in the white greek organization). They have motives, unlike the RR. They might feel some sort of shame against their culture or perhaps they are trying to feel special in the sea of whiteness.

I think we have to have some sort of sympathy for the RR. We don't mean to defy the expectations, we just can't bring ourselves to succumb to them and not be who we are. It's an internal struggle. I mean, isn't it hard enough not to fit in? Can we fault the RR for being who they are? It's just not fair. I'm going to start a club. More to come later, hopefully.

where do they pick up these things?

Today, my 70+ Japanese co-worker came up to me and said, "I'm sick of these f-ing errors."

He didn't say the f-word, but just effing.

For clarification, he is not the fogie I complained about in a previous blog. That oldie actually got fired last week and he was Indian, I believe. He couldn't keep up, so they had to let him go. And, I think he was kind of lazy as well. We're getting a new guy next week. Should be interesting.