Money Diary: Day 8

7:00 am: On the way to work, I decided to stop at CVS and get some round candies to fit our pot luck theme (round). I thought lifesavers would be a good pick and a colorful addition to the table. I want to make sure to put my best foot forward with anything that my boss asks of me, especially right now... $2.35, and I'll get reimbursed.

1:45 pm: I was so stuffed from the pot luck that I wasn't very productive for the rest of the day. I could hardly keep my eyes open.

6:00 pm: After work, I went to pick up E from the airport. She was away for almost two weeks visiting friends and family in Chicago and Portland. I've never been to either city. It'd be cool to go visit sometime.

I spent the rest of the evening watching random tv. I skipped dinner, so I just snacked a little.

I'm still working on figuring out which apartment I'd like to live in. I have until tomorrow to get a $450 administrative fee back from the place that I already filed a lease with. I'm weighing the pros and cons of the two places - location, rent price, space, parking. I am going to look at a place this afternoon that will be about $70 cheaper and more space, but there could be potentially issues with traffic around those parts. We'll see...

Money spent: $2.35

Money Diary: Day 7

I ate breakfast at home this morning.

8:00 am: My supervisor told me that she's leaving for another job today. I'm sad to see her go, but I'm also excited that I might have a chance to get promoted. I'm not sure what the likelihood of that is. I don't want to get my hopes up.

2:00 pm: I went over to the apartment complex that I was interested and signed a lease, $600 for application and administration fees. Rent is $1270/mo. and it's 800 square feet and only a little over a mile from work. I did some more research on other places and found two additional places that I'd like to check out, if it's not too late.

4:30 pm: Finally made it back to Party City and bought a tablecloth, plates, cups, napkins, and table decorations. I got a $10 off coupon from my co-worker. I only spent $30, which will be reimbursed...

7:00 pm: I got home and prepared the quiche for tomorrow's pot luck. At least no more money was spent. I still have to pay my ticket and get my Cairns tour. I need to make more money...

Money spent: $630... ick, but I'll have a place to live at the end of July.

Money Diary: Day 6

I finally got a run in after not working out for... not sure how long.

My mom came over and we went to get lunch. Her treat. After lunch we went to Wegman's and then Cupcakes Actually. I bought us each a cupcake, $6.88. I think I'm getting over my cupcake craze. It's just not as inviting anymore. I got to try Death by Chocolate and Champagne Taste today. I think the Death by Chocolate was better. The other one was kind of dry.

I've yet to go to Party City... :(

Money spent: $6.88

Money Diary: Day 5

I got up at 7 am this morning and shoved a graham cracker in my face before heading out to Valvoline for a oil change and then a state safety inspection. I printed a Valvoline coupon at work yesterday for $6 off! Woohoo!

The oil change cost $50.81 after the coupon. The inspection cost $45 including the $25 he charged me for cleaning/polishing my headlights because the plastic was dull and scratched up, therefore causing my lights to be very dim. He couldn't have passed me otherwise. He advised that I would probably need new headlights before my next inspection. I started a fund on SmartyPig to meet this goal. I had noticed that my headlights sucked, but it wasn't really a big deal to me since I rarely drive at night. Perhaps my car was conditioning me not to do so!

After I got back from taking care of car shenanigans, I went to the Post Office to pick up package materials for a package that I've been meaning to send. Unfortunately, flat-rate boxes are not cheap (about $5 a pop!). I decided to call for free shipping materials instead.

When I got home, I made myself some eggs and ordered flowers to be sent to J's family, $50.85. I then called around to various Party Citys to see if they had what I was looking for, but it turns out none of them did. At least I saved myself some time and gas. I will go to Party City tomorrow and just pick up an alternative to what I originally wanted.

I still had a whole afternoon to fritter away... I needed a change of scenery, but didn't want to go too far. I ended up in Fairfax at Old Navy and then Barnes and Noble. I didn't buy anything at Old Navy and I spent many hours sitting in Barnes and Noble perusing health and fashion magazines as well as Australia travel guides. I took some notes on the interesting tidbits, but did not find any books that were worth buying. Usually I only purchase books on Amazon, but I had a gift card. Ahh... for the love of gift cards! Thank you, friends! I purchased The Time Traveler's Wife. I've read almost two chapters and it seems to be a promising read. I haven't had many books that have held my interest lately, so haven't been reading as much. I kind of want to save books to read during my Australia flights. We'll see how it all pans out.

Speaking of Australia, I'm waiting for a credit charge to be refunded for a tour that I booked in Cairns. For some reason, they aren't offering the tour that day, or maybe the tour filled up. Not sure. Either way, I need to book another tour for that day because I can't go to Australia and not see the Great Barrier Reef.

After Barnes and Noble, I went to Panera to enjoy the beautiful day and have a nice late lunch/early dinner outside. My meal was $7.65. It was a lovely afternoon and I'm quite tired. Now to take a nap before seeing what the night has to bring...

Money spent: $154.31

Money Diary: Day 4

I got in contact with the Spy Museum to get a refund for "The Spy in the City." The refund hasn't been posted to my account yet, and I just realized that I gave him the wrong credit card information. Argh... hopefully it won't be too much of an issue. I'll get to the bottom of it.

After work, I attempted to go to Party City to pick up some things for our potluck on Tuesday. They didn't have what I wanted so I will try to look at another location.

I had a yogurt and banana for breakfast and leftover Chicken and Potato Korma for lunch and dinner.

I decided to spend the evening in watching tv and attempting to scrapbook. I was on a roll with scrapbooking last weekend, but now the creative juices aren't funneling in that direction.

Money spent: $0 (with a $64 credit coming soon... I hope!)

looking for the silver lining

I felt all kinds of emotionally mixed-up and depressed yesterday. Something just wasn't right inside and I couldn't shake myself out of it. Work was fine, but I felt like the ticket just put me in a very negative, inert disposition. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so down over just a ticket, and also the potential money-drain of a new place to live. It just wasn't right.

I think that sometimes we have an intuition that makes us feel a certain way for no particular reason until some sort of revelation comes.

While at Baskin Robbins, I received a phone call from J's mom. She asked to speak to him and said it was important. As soon as the word "important" came out of her mouth, I already knew what it was that she had to tell him. J's grandfather had passed away. Last month he suffered a stroke and he was in the hospital for awhile.

I guess this news justifies how I was feeling all afternoon yesterday. It's a hard emotion to shake off. The last time I had to support someone through a death was when my step-dad died. I'm still not 100% sure what the right things to do or say are. I remember when my grandmother died, I just wanted to be alone. I wandered the streets of Boston on a gorgeous spring day by myself, trying to see the happiness of the world through tear-brimmed eyes and a broken heart.

J is driving home to his parents today and I pray that the solitude will give him peace and comfort.

Money Diary: Day 3

7:23 a.m. I paid my parking ticket online this morning. I figured I'd get this out of the way. $75...
I need to be out of E's by the end of July, so I've been trying to find a temporary sublet. I've only been paying $650 for rent at E's and utilities are rarely over $100, which has been pretty awesome. It's allowed me to have some extra funds to pay off my student loan and also for savings. Unfortunately, I don't think it will be possible to find a comparable situation.

4:20 p.m. I get pulled over when I'm less than a mile away from home. I've been putting off renewing my safety inspection sticker. Ugh, so now I get to kiss another $92 goodbye, but not quite yet.

4:30 p.m. Once the officer gives me my ticket and let's me go, I decide I'm not ready to go home just yet, so I get some gas instead. $25.

6:15 p.m. I went to go look at a potential sublet. Rent would be $1242/month. The nice thing about this deal would be that the lease only goes until the end of November, however, they would like for someone to move in on July 1st. It's not really the ideal situation considering the fact that I had planned to stay at E's for the month of July. I think unless the guy can't find anyone, I'll have to find another option.

6:30 p.m. Grocery shopping at Wegman's. I'm feeling very dejected about my future living situation and my appetite is non-existent, which I guess is a good thing so I don't pick up everything I see in the grocery store. I only spend $30 on groceries.

8:30 p.m. I want to make myself feel better and think that maybe Baskin Robbins will do the trick. I get a waffle cone with a scoop of mint chocolate chip and world class chocolate for $6. I come nowhere near finishing it. I'm just too depressed and the day doesn't get any better.

Total spent: $136 with an impending expense of $92 as well as an oil change AND safety inspection on the plate for tomorrow.

Money Diary: Day 2

7:00 a.m. I had a yogurt and a banana for breakfast.

12:30 p.m. I had my leftovers from Sweetwater for lunch. Mmm... still good!
I received some info about Spy in the City. I am putting that on my weekend itinerary. I invited some friends to come along.

3:30 p.m. I bought the tickets to the Spy in the City, each ticket is $16. I bought 4 tickets - $64. I'll get reimbursed for them.
Tomorrow I have to pay a parking ticket - $75. Ouch... no fun. I will get reimbursed by work for it though. Thank goodness.

Money spent: $64

Money Diary: Day 1

So, I read this blog called "I will teach you to be rich." My favorite feature on it is "Money Diaries," a column where people keep a written account of their financial situation and their daily spending for a week.

I've decided to keep my own Money Diary... I hope to keep it up for at least this week and maybe longer. We'll see how it goes!

Day 1:
7:00 a.m. I bring a stash of breakfast food to keep at the office so that I can eat breakfast at work. Currently, I had a box of cereal and some milk. Yesterday, I had just enough milk left for one or two more servings of cereal. Unfortunately, today when I went to the fridge, I discovered that my milk was gone! Someone either drank my milk or disposed of it. Either way, it led me to my first purchase of the week. A small carton of fat free milk from the cafe next door for $1.04.

1:00 p.m. I had a lean cuisine for lunch. I bring my lunch to work more often than not.

3:00 p.m. I remembered that I was interested in doing a Twilight 5k race at the end of July. Registration is $30 until July 10th. I am going to hold off on it because I may or may not be moving the weekend of the race. F is going to do it with me though, so I will sign up soon!

6:00 p.m. I had dinner with J, K, and K's friend at Sweetwater Tavern. I had my favorite meal... their Short Smoked Grilled Salmon Salad. Mmm... Also, there was a coupon for two free desserts - I got key lime pie and apple pie a la mode. Nothing to write home about, but a good meal. J paid.

Money spent: $1.04

Dissolved

I watched what I feel to be the last episode of "Jon and Kate + 8" last night.

The entire episode led to a devastating announcement about their divorce. In the same episode, the children were having "Crooked Houses" built. They are houses that are made to look as if kids put them together because they are crooked. Each of the twins got their own crooked house and the boys got their own house and the little girls got their own house. I think it's ironic that these houses were crooked and that there were four separate ones - I think it parallels the brokenness in the family. I know it sounds like I'm unnecessarily reading a lot into it, but the reality of Jon and Kate's divorce is so sad to me. Kate said in the episode that it isn't ideal and maybe it is the crushed ideal that hurts so much - the fact that those eight kids will be able to see the demise of their parent's marriage on tv over and over again.

The announcement that was displayed on the screen did not have the word divorce in it. It said, "legal proceedings were initiated in Pennsylvania to dissolve the 10-year marriage of Jon and Kate Gosselin." Dissolve.

where do broken hearts go?

I found out about a broken engagement yesterday. The couple was one that I knew from the office, and I just so happened to be working the girl's program when it happened. She told us at the final team meeting.

I couldn't believe it. She was two months out from the wedding. It was already all planned and deposits were put down. It made me so sad because she really is such a wonderful girl. I didn't say or do anything to console her yesterday, but this morning we both got to work at the same time. As the elevator doors closed, I looked over at her and tried to make some small talk. She apologized because the tears were already welling up in her eyes. I was able to give her a hug finally and tell her that she's ok. She is ok. She is so strong and I admire her for making it through the weekend.

My heart goes out to her and even though she most likely won't read this blog, I hope that the heart of those reading it will also go out to her.

Go State!

I spent the past few days at one of the company's programs in New York. It was only about 3 and a half days, yet somehow it was enough to make me feel as though I really gave something to those kids. I love working with youth, but I think I had my fill in Boston and San Diego - and especially the ballet academy. Brief stints like the one I just had are enough to fill the void and to feel the joy that comes from leaving that small imprint on their lives and not be desperate to get away from them.

The 24 kids in my group were truly exceptional. I think there are probably a few in every bunch that already had values that I would have found commendable, but each individual in my group of kids made a genuine effort to make the most of their experience, or at the very least, not take away from the experience for anyone else (Henry Booger). I was in awe about some of the insight that they shared or simply how they interacted with others. I found something special in each of them.

I feel like I continue to think about those kids long after they have stopped thinking about me. I always wonder what the future holds for them and for the young leaders I met this past weekend, I will wonder what kind of incredible things they will do in their lives.

I'm almost afraid to work another conference for this program because the kids I had really set my expectations so high. If the next group wasn't like this one, I would be so disappointed. *sigh*

I guess you never know... and maybe sometime soon, it'll be a chance that I'll be willing to take. I'm just glad that my job gives me the opportunity to do that. :)

agreeing to disagree

I don't think it's possible that two people can agree with one another 100% of the time. Relationships, though I would say are built on similarities, are nurtured by the friction of differences. They grow from the challenge of compromising or accepting opposing ideals. Growth comes from opening your mind, heart and life to things that we may not understand or even want to understand. Even when we can't grasp someone else's decisions or actions, if we really value them, we can see the beauty or the authenticity in how they live their life. It is when one person decides to not compromise, not accept, and not understand that a relationship begins to die.

I've witnessed many scenarios of people poo-pooing on others without attempting to understand the other person's lot. I remember when I lived with A and F. F had a real job and made probably close to four times what A and I were making and could clearly spend more freely than A and me. A would comment about F's spending habits and fail to consider how generous F was with us. F is one of the most generous people I know, always giving and generally not asking for much in return. F and A never were very close, nor ever became close even though the three of us shared an apartment for an entire year.

I'm not friends with A anymore and I'm sure that both of us contributed to the death of our relationship. I can remember one evening when I didn't feel like going out to carouse with her and she made a huge fuss over it. When I started dating someone, it caused a rift as well. She wasn't accepting nor understanding of our differences and I think it was partially lack of relationship experience on her part. Because she hadn't had many (any?) romantic relationships, she felt like I was abandoning her when I spent time with my boyfriend at the time.

I know I've caused some relationships to die, some are probably dying as I write this. I think sometimes the tradedy of it all boils down to seeing someone change for the worse, seeing someone discard their values, perhaps seeing someone lose a sense of who they are or who you thought they were. Or maybe they are just coming into their own, becoming the person who they are destined to be, becoming a person whose values are out of sync with your own, ultimately, someone who you can no longer respect.

don't talk to strangers

Today I did something stupid. Coming out of the mall to a dark parking lot, I stopped when a man approached me. He asked me if I was Vietnamese and I told him that I wasn't, then he proceeded to ask me whether I could give him a ride. I should have walked away, instead I started asking him questions like how he got there, where he was going, etc. Yeah, stupid.

Anyway, this entire time, J is on the phone and though I don't have the phone to my ear, I know what he's saying. I know what any person I could have been on the phone with would say. I know what I would say! Yet my naivete and trusting nature was speaking louder and I found myself hanging up on J and letting this man into my car. There are countless scenarios of how things could have ended up. I'll spare you the suspense. I dropped the man off within walking distance to a bus stop going where he needed to go. The End.

The whole situation left me so torn though. Strangers have done nice things for me before, just a few months ago a man stopped and helped me change my flat tire on the side of 495. So, shouldn't I try to help people as well? I guess being a woman forces you to be much more wary of danger. I certainly wouldn't want any of my female friends or family to give a ride to a stranger. Anything could happen. People prey on the kindness of strangers.

I don't know why I let the man in my car. A part of me felt like I was the only person who was willing to help him. Yeah, stupid.

birthday blah...

I love my birthday. I don't understand why everyone doesn't love celebrating their birthday as much as I do. It's a day (week or month, even!!!) to celebrate yourself! My birthday has always been a big to-do for me. I had my first birthday in Singapore and can remember years that I had parties at Chuck E. Cheese, always eating one of my favorite meals, and fancy cakes for as long as I can remember.

For my ninth birthday, I decided it wasn't fair that I couldn't have a pool party, so I had people come over to my house in their bathing suits - yes, in FEBRUARY! I was a crazy, crazy kid and I guess my mom decided not to fight the battle against that bright idea. I received two or three New Kids on the Block dolls that year.

The year after that, I got my first hamster! It was probably one of the most exciting surprises to come home and find a hamster cage sitting in the living room. I was however, less than enthused with the rip-off "Margie" doll I received from an aunt later that evening.

Anyway, as I've gotten older, birthdays have become a time to gather with my closest friends. And though they don't all like each other (no exclusive SATC crew here), it's a time when none of that matters and they just want to eat, drink and be merry with me. I'd like to think they enjoy the antics of drunk HT.

On my birthday this year, I went to lunch with co-workers and then had dinner with J, who flew in for the weekend. It was all in all a good day and I had high expectations for the weekend, mainly for Friday, a day that I had planned almost hour by hour.

The activities that I had planned for the day were scrapped because the recruiting event that I was at ran a little longer than anticipated, my feet hurt, and it was a bit blusterier than anticipated (I got to do them on Sunday, though!). I still held high hopes for dinner. I wanted to try a new restaurant in DC. When dinner plans kind of fell through, J decided to get in contact with his friends and make new dinner plans since he doesn't see his friends in DC that often. With dinner plans scrapped, somehow, there was a miscommunication and post-dinner plans were taken off the plate too. I don't want to go into detail about what was done instead because that might worthy of another blog, but I'll just say, it wasn't fun.

Well, my official "birthday party" is this Saturday so I just hope that this event will be better than what ensued last Friday. Plans include Roy Roger's fried chicken and karaoke. A few of my closest friends can't make it, so I'm a little disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. We just won't be friends anymore. Hahaha... just kidding!

So yeah, birthdays = big deal. Don't forget it!

Getting Old...

Some of you may know that I had a birthday recently, but the passing of my youth actually became aware to me through an incident the day before my birthday. It was a lovely, sunshiney Wednesday, so I decided to take advantage of the warm weather and go rollerblading. I haven't rollerbladed in a long time, over a year even. Though, I was a bit unsteady at first, I thought nothing of it since I had just recently been ice-skating without injury. I rollerbladed down the street and steadily picked up speed. And more speed. More speed than I could handle. Who knew there was such a decline on this street? Certainly not the girl who's only been living here for a week and a half! Without properly thinking out a course of action, I did a weird turn and threw myself onto the ground. The momentum got the best of me and I scraped off a good chunk of my knee. And on top of that, I got a hole in my favorite workout pants and a lovely scrape on my elbow as well.

My wounds are still healing and every time I bend my knee or elbow, they open up just a little. I don't know when I'll build up the courage to go rollerblading again - I guess when I find somewhere REALLY, REALLY flat or until I find my elbow and knee pads. *tear* "Safety, first." That'll be my old woman mantra.

Final Fete

We are having the last get together in the apartment today in celebration of Chinese New Year.

I have neglected to mention that Mr. Fish has passed. I found him floating in his bowl on the day that our new President was sworn into office. I think he knew that his time in 8107 was going to end and couldn't dream of living elsewhere. He lived a good two+ years. He was a resilient fish. He will be missed.

purge

I've been having lots of random thoughts and feelings lately. I seem to be floating in a gray cloud. The Inauguration has come and gone. It wasn't the moment that I expected it to be because I was "posting" at a museum. I should have bucked the rules a little just once (ok, maybe I've already done that here and there) and made my way to the Capitol where the man that has restored hope and pride in our Nation took his oath. I poured over the online videos of it, so I will just try to form it in my memory as being there. The rest of the day... I will try my hardest to forget.

The time for me to move is drawing closer and closer. I have about a week left in this apartment and it's making me sad. There are things I won't miss like driving around desperately looking for a parking space. Other things aren't coming to mind at the moment, except for the CVS. I HATE my CVS. Good riddance. I will miss my Giant though and I'll miss being able to walk to a bunch of different places like Asian Bistro, Cubano's, AFI, Borders, DSW, etc. I don't know why the distance between here and Centreville seems so great. I know it really isn't, but I feel like it will be a different world. At least I'll be able to go to Wal-Mart and always have a parking space. And I'm looking forward to living with E - something we had talked about since high school!!!

I went to hip hop class with my brother for the second time today. It was a lot of fun and I really do like spending time with him. He's a really good-natured person. He will watch me dance and try to give me pointers and he's just so nice to everyone and at ease with himself - these are things that I should definitely learn from him. He doesn't know it yet, but after I move, I will still go to Thursday hip hop class with him and then just spend the night at his place. There is something that is so simple and normal about spending time with your siblings. I wonder how long we could hang out before we started fighting like we did as kids.

Inauguration 2009

Today is the eve of the Presidential Inauguration. It's a crazy time in DC and there are about a million and one events going on. I feel like I'm much too tired or stressed out to actually enjoy any of it and I'm also sad that I can't participate in all the activities. Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to hear General Colin Powell and Archbishop Desmond Tutu speak (work perk). There are other speaking events that I have missed and volunteer opportunities that I can't help with. I just want this time to stay with me. It is a time of celebration and I don't want it to pass me by without savoring the emotion of it. I feel so bogged down with the logistics of it all - buying snacks for the big day, where to use the bathroom, how to get there, how to get back... I just want to get in the right frame of mine to enjoy it all. Less than 24 hours to go!!!

Single Wannabe

I have found that in some recent social situations, I've been reluctant to admit that I'm in a relationship. It's not about wanting to cheat on J or having guys hit on me, but I think it's more about fitting in or being perceived as "fun" or "interesting." People in relationships have this stigma upon them of being lame, dull, boring and the list goes on. People that are single, who have dating drama or who are "so over dating" are more interesting to talk to because their lives are a lot less predictable and they most likely have a juicy breakup story in the bag. Nobody cares about the old, married couple who has fights about socks and dirty dishes.

Singles hang out with other singles and couples tend to hang out in couples. As much as I despise this perpetual trend, it is a reality. If you're in a relationship and you hang out with a bunch of people that are not in relationships or pretending not to be in relationships, there is this feeling of not wanting to be outed because of the exclusion or attention that comes with it. Once you tell people that you're in a relationship, it seems to be all they want to know about or they lose interest in you all together. The range of your topics of conversation shrinks drastically and though you don't mind talking about your significant other, you also miss just being an independent entity with more intriguing aspects to your life than a relationship.

On a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, Robin became friends with a group of single girls and Lily felt left out because she's married. Groups of single people do not want to hang out with people that aren't single because they might have different going out objectives or singles assume that the attached would rather be at home in their pod.

Through my thoughts about this topic, a google search turned up this article. It gave me some reassurance that my feelings are common for others and perhaps a function of society and that it doesn't have any negative bearing on my feelings for J.

So, what do you think? Is it ok to avoid admitting relationship status so as not to be relegated to the default relationship conversation and stigma?

All Bunnies go to Heaven

Bunny Boston died on Monday.

I am at my mom's now and I can't bring myself to go into my old bedroom, the room that Boston has spent more time in than me. She was a sweet and incredibly adorable bunny who loved to be loved. There used to be a toddler gate at the door of my room. It's not there anymore.

My mom called me on Monday night while I was in the grocery store in front of the hot dog section. I couldn't really believe it. I went numb. I remember saying to my mom, "I don't want to talk about it," to which she replied, "I saw her die!" And I could hear her sobs through my telephone.

I am sad that I wasn't a better owner for her, that I wasn't around more to look after her. I should have tried to make her life better than it was. Being the caretaker for a living, breathing thing is such a precious responsibility and it pains me to think that I didn't do the best job I could.

My only comfort is that Boston is in Bunny Heaven now, being loved by God and her other bunny friends.

a little man after my own heart

I met the cutest little 4 year-old yesterday. He is half Chinese and half Black and 100% adorable. We sat across from each other at dinner and we had stimulating conversation about his favorite animal (octopus) and even the election. He "voted" for Obama, of course, and he was delighted about this fact, saying "We both voted for Obama!" So glad to know that our political views are aligned.

As we were leaving the restaurant, he reached for my hand. A little while after he gave me his address and told me to come see him in San Diego. So sweet. Cute kids are so enchanting. :)

Past Lives

E has been talking a lot about this lately and the thought of it has been brought to the forefront of my mind. Now, whenever something I have any interaction with a person, I wonder what role they might have played in a past life.

I wonder if I was connected to any of my friends in a past life and whether that has any bearing on our relationship now. If I had to think of anyone who might have been my sister in a past life, I would think P. I can remember when we first became friends that we had a bit of a breakdown together about our parents' divorces. Hers was more recent and mine was perhaps suppressed or never adequately emoted over. I think we tend to butt heads like sisters might and are aware of what makes the other tick, though she probably gets under my skin and pushes my buttons more than I do to her. Sometimes, I think there is a lack of understanding of one another's choices or ideals, but our friendship still perseveres and I genuinely care about her.

If souls come back to live in new people, interacting with the same set of souls, I wonder how often it is that a completely new soul connection is born.

E is reading a book about all that right now and nothing could ever tell me that any of the past life stuff is true, but it is interesting to think about.

I had a thought today about the human condition (whatever that means...). All the emotions, relationships, struggles, etc. that people experience are not new. They have happened in generations before us and they happen among different groups of people all around us and will continue to happen. It's the individuals that make the situations unique, as they are resolved in so many different ways. And really, no one is to say whether they are right or wrong. We can only share what we have gained from our personal experiences, and not expect the mistakes we've made to be repeated (though they sometimes are).

In November...

November is shaping up to be a superb month. Barack Obama was elected president of the United States and I got a full-time job at the company. The benefits there are pretty spectacular - 24 vacation days, health insurance, dental insurance, 401k, profit-sharing, and more. It's just a great company to work for. I get a daily snack time and there are usually at least 1 or 2 office treats weekly. And there is even an on-site workout facility, which I should start visiting. The people there are pretty cool as well. I'm glad that D helped me get my foot in the door there. Thanks!!!

I started back up with scrapbooking yesterday evening. It was nice to focus some energy on it again. I've been slacking off from it for a number of reasons. I think I will either start a new scrapbook at the end of this year or put scrapbooking on an indefinite hiatus. Someone mentioned that they think scrapbooking is a big part of who I am - that I'm a keeper of memories, if you will. It never struck me that not everyone was the same way. I write in a diary, I scrapbook, I blog. I'm not really sure why I keep these records of my life. I think both my parents kept a record through photographs and my closest cousin also kept a diary, blogs and scrapbooks, so perhaps it's in my genes.

As much as I hate to admit it, all of the record-keeping almost ground to a complete halt once I was a few months into J's deployment. I think my scrapbook inspiration went into putting together packages for him or simply being available for his phone calls. Then the summer program that I worked started and I didn't have a life any longer. In August, I had to get my life back in order and I guess I'm trying to maintain/enhance it at this point.

Learn to save money

I'm on a money-saving kick, so no eating out, no shopping. I walked to the library today and checked out books and dvds for entertainment. Yeah, no one said saving money is sexy (though I do think it kind of turns me on). Now that I don't have to pay for my own health insurance, I can put more money towards my student loans. I've been reading this blog and using this tool (which I'm OBSESSED WITH!!!)

So, November has been wonderful and it will be undoubtedly even better with a visit from D in a week or so and J's return before Thanksgiving.

lady at Giant

So, I'm not sure how I've ended up in the same woman's check out line twice in a row, but it happened. This woman has a way of making me feel so excluded for not being Black. And I don't know for certain if she does it on purpose or not. I don't think I've ever done anything to offend her. It's a bit inexplicable.

Anyway, the first time I was in her checkout line, she kept calling the Black man in front of me, "my brother." After everything she said to him, she ended it with that phrase. I found it odd. And today, she was talking to either the bag girl or the man in line after me about the election and how she is going to frame her copy of the paper. I said I was planning to do the same. I think she sort of blew me off, until she saw that I had a copy of the paper sitting in my cart.

Yeah... so it's weird. I can either go back to her checkout line to find out for certain or just avoid her all together. We'll see what happens.

YES WE DID!!!

I have no words to express how incredible I feel about the election of Barack Obama. Barack Obama has brought hope and pride back into the hearts of many Americans. I will never forget the moment that his presidential victory was sealed. There is so much to speculate in terms of what the next four years will bring, but I'm relishing the inspiration that is Barack Obama. I hope others will be buoyed by that same inspiration to be better citizens and to do whatever they can to serve this country.

Election Day

I just got back from voting. I woke up around 5 this morning, got dressed and walked over to the polls. There is an indescribable exhilaration about today. One woman in line said that last night was like the night before Christmas!

There has been a huge emotional build-up with this election. I never thought I would feel so invested and connected to a presidential race. Today is monumental... It's a day that I imagine recounting again and again. I almost feel the need to pinch myself! Now, I have to go to work!

Flashing... lights

So, I have now received tickets from DC, Maryland, and Virginia. I've received about a handful of tickets (in the three short years that I've been driving... I guess I'm catching up), but I've only been pulled over twice (darn those traffic cameras). The first time, the officer let me go with no ticket, but yesterday, I wasn't so lucky. I don't even want to go into detail about what I did wrong. Getting pulled over just makes me feel stupid. It's someone calling you out on your mistake AND you have to pay for it. No good.

I just found out that the fine is $30 with a $62 processing fee. I find it rather ridiculous, considering that DRINKING AND DRIVING is a fine of $35 with a $72 processing fee. Next time, I'll just booze it up in the car!

All my run-ins with the law have involved cars, so it makes sense why I took so long getting my license! I should just be a pedestrian.

I love NKOTB!!!

I just got back from screaming my face off for 2 hours straight. I was at a New Kids on the Block concert! Yes, their reunion tour. And it was incredible!!!

I found the posting on craigslist on Monday, picked up the tickets on Tuesday. The tickets were only $44 and they were great seats. Sadly, my pics are still blurry because I couldn't hold my hands steady enough to take decent photos (and I probably need a new camera soon), but N has better pics!

They still have the moves. They still know how to work the crowd. And I think their bodies are even better NOW than they were 15 years ago (If you're reading this J, I expect your body to be just as good when you're pushing 40). Jordan had his solo moment with a button down shirt that was being blown open by a fan. You would not believe his pecs and abs. Danny even breakdanced! They sang every song that you could have wanted them to sing and a few new songs that make me want to go out and buy their latest cd. They were and apparently, always will be the most important musical artists of my life. They were my first celebrity crush/obsessions and I think my last (That's right, Chris Brown... your song lyrics will never be infused into my soul).

Their last tour was when I was 11, so I never got a chance to attend on as a kid. It was a first for both N and I, so I'm glad we got to share our childhood fulfillment with one another. Right when we stepped off the metro at the Verizon Center, I wanted to start screaming. There was such a rush of excitment all around us. It was a highly satisfactory event that I would gladly relive.

Jon sported an Obama t-shirt during one of the sets. I'm so proud that they're still "Hangin' Tough".

weekend

F was in town this weekend and as we were hanging out in her lovely hotel room, I realized that there is an ease and comfort in our relationship that I think only comes from living with someone. She was sitting at the desk pretending to do work (she was actually playing wordtwist..) and I was channel-surfing. I eventually went over to the desk in order to partake in the word twisting, but as I was laying there and enjoying the doing nothingness of our time together, I had a sense of appreciation. I appreciated that we could just be - no unnecessary or awkward chatter, just comfortable silence.

Somehow, each night before falling asleep, we would chat almost endlessly. It was nice, familiar. I'm glad that F and I can still have these times together where we aren't bound by obligations or the wants of others, where we can just hang out and enjoy each other's company because we do know each other so well. Yeah... it was nice. It made me think of other times when we were able to do that back in Boston or San Diego (or LA or San Fran).

There is a closeness that comes from having that one fulfilling conversation about nothing before bed where you're able to allow your thoughts to dissolve and you can melt into your dreams. Ahh... the simplicity. :)

black and blue

In the past few weeks I've been on a 20 foot high trapeze and a 30 foot high ropes course. Hanging in mid-air (well-harnessed, of course) using only momentum and the pithy amount of strength I can muster up, I've come away from both experiences unscathed and maybe even a little impressed at my courageous feats. I've learned to trust the strength of the wires or ropes that hold me and have faith that if I do slip or when I fall, there is something to keep me from plummeting to my demise or you know, breaking an arm.

Over the weekend I was staying at the Ritz-Carlton in DC with F because she has law firm interviews. As I was getting into bed, I slammed my knee into the nightstand. Oh, the pain... I should probably consider wearing a harness on a daily basis because apparently I am too reckless with my body.

realization

I think it's finally hitting me that my roommate is leaving the country. It's a new phase in her life and the part that was ours is ending. Our living arrangement has been the longest commitment (of any sort) that I've kept in the past decade - two months shy of two years. I guess this summer has weaned us off each other a bit because she was never home and I took up brief residence at the 4H. I'm just now settling back into my normal life of seeing friends and having time to do the things I want to do and I guess catching up with my thoughts and emotions.

I've been telling myself and others that she's moving to Paris, but I am only now feeling the sadness in it, the sadness in her leaving. It's by no means an end to our friendship, but one has to admit that something is lost when proximity is no longer a binding element. I know life as I knew it at 8107 had to end eventually, but I didn't think it would be this hard to swallow.

When I left San Diego, it wasn't difficult to come home. I knew that I would see A and that I would always be able to talk to F. I think after San Diego, i was just ready to be home close to my friends and family and to indulge in things that adults should have, like... their own bedroom (I had to share in both Boston and San Diego) and perhaps a job that actually paid versus living off a stipend.

I'm going to miss having roomie around to vent to or to share life's tidbits - you know, those ridiculously minute details that strike you as absurd or funny that no one else would care about if they weren't fully integrated into your daily life. Things just won't be the same, but I guess there is no adventure in that. Looks like it's time to start planning a trip to Paris!

naked

I've been out of touch with the real world for awhile, though perhaps even when I am actually "in touch," I'm not fully immersed. Lately, I've been having random exposure to how different American society is to that of other countries. I watched something on National Geographic about breast-feeding and how some mothers breast-feed up to age 7. Yeah. I don't want to say anything else about that.

I went to a Korean spa. Spa World was a fantastic experience. Initially, D and I had a fit of giggles while we changed into our assigned lounge wear and had to see each other naked. It was also awkward seeing a bunch of naked women, but then once you saw a few, it was like you had seen them all. I did my best to either look people in the face or avert my gaze completely. After about 5 minutes, it wasn't really a big deal at all. There were small children there and they didn't think anything of it. I'm envious of other cultures that don't have all the hang-ups that our society has created. I am happy that I was able to overcome the anxiety of being naked in front of other people.

Another thing that I was really happy about was the full body scrub that I received. When I say full-body... I mean full-body. I was laying naked on a pink plastic table and there were moments where I was fully exposed, spread-eagle, aCOOCHerments on display. The lady was really getting after all my dead skin with her mitted paws. It felt a bit rough at first, but a couple minutes in, I almost fell asleep.

Spa World was just what I needed after the grueling weeks of work stress. Once I got home, I passed out for two hours straight and I probably could have slept for longer if I didn't have plans that evening.

Ahh... Spa World.

I went to Old Town Alexandria today and happened upon a store called An American In Paris. Its owner was 50+ French woman who gave me 15 minute lecture on American society and how it lacks respect and responsibility. She expounded on many different things stemming from an explanation on why she keeps the door of her store locked so that she can let in each customer individually. It was an enlightening experience and if I didn't have to pay rent or eat, I would spend my paychecks there and love every minute of it. Her accent alone made me want to walk out the door with a shopping bag in hand. The items in her store were one of a kind and simply exquisite.

I went to see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 today. There were some moments where I got a little teary-eyed.

Ok... I'm kind of through with blogging for the moment... who knows when I'll be inspired again.

finito

I spent the morning clearing out my office. This experience has been so bittersweet. While I was there, every time I heard a noise, I expected it to be someone on my staff, and it never was. It felt odd not having my radio attached to my hip. I can't believe that this experience is over. We got through the past 2 months. I have my life back.

There is so much I'm going to miss and it was really hard shutting the door to 4151 for the last time and walking out those sliding doors - the 4H will always be special to me. This summer was a roller coaster ride that I got to share with about 30 other people - I think once we get past a certain age, past a certain intensity of environment, we don't have the opportunity for these life-changing experiences.

I have learned a lot these past few months. I think working at the ballet academy and then the LOC killed a part of me. Monotony set in and apathy followed. The program gave me back a sense of purpose, a sense of accomplishment.

I can't even begin to chronicle the challenges that I faced this summer. I will create a short list here that perhaps I'll (most likely not) elaborate on in the future.

- lack of PC team cohesion
- 3 PCs
- we have our first deserter
- 1 bossy, immature, untrustworthy team member
- 40 vomiting scholars, 10 vomiting staff
- fagocious man makes a scene - then quits - "i'll let karma take care of this. all these sick kids was just the beginning."
- negative woman is disrespectful and is fired
- the smoking "pregnant" woman quits on the day the session begins
- bossy team member causes argument leaving some of our best staff in tears
- staff proceeds to slack off

Yeah... I guess that's about it. I've got 3 days in the office coming up. We'll be unpacking boxes, turning things in, wrapping it all up... *sigh*
I don't know if I would do this again. I think part of what made this experience so incredible was the staff. I can't imagine doing it without them.

it's august...

I haven't written in over two months. I haven't really had time to do so because of the hectic work schedule and such. My life has been the program and now there is only one more session left. There were a lot of ups and downs with these past six weeks, but the staff was incredible. I didn't come into this position thinking that I was going to be managing people directly because each of the different staff roles had a program coordinator of their own to answer to, however, when one of our PCs had to go to a different site, I ended up with a phenomenal team of 7 fantastically awesome girls. I think that they are amazing people and I feel lucky that I was able to be their manager.

Among other things that happened this summer, we had an epidemic of sorts - session 4 - the stomach bug that wouldn't quit. It got about 40 scholars and 10 staff members. I was only mildly affected. I didn't vomit my brains out like anyone else, it was more of a body ache and fever.

There were some difficult people to work with, as always, but we've gotten through it.

I'm so extremely tired.

I just spent the day at the beach with 5 other staff members. It was a good time, but now I'm wiped out. Completely.

bad pick-up line

So, I'm at the gas station this afternoon pumping my gas when the guy at the pump in front of me says something to me. Puzzled, because I can't hear him, I probably said, "what" or "excuse me?" Then he says something along the lines of "do you like this car?" nodding his head in the direction of his large orange-red colored vehicle.

***crickets***

Now WHY would you ask me if I like your car? Did you SEE the car I'M driving? Do I LOOK like I care about YOUR car?!?!?

He proceeds to tell me how he's in some sort of club for Element owners and that they have meetings where they get together. What that says to me is that people who own that type of car are douchebags.

After the brief interaction, when it was clear that I had nothing to say about his car or any car, for that matter, he said, "sorry to bother you."

I guess I didn't give him the response that he was looking for...

It has come to my attention, recently, that I enjoy making up plausible interpretations for situations that elude me. My explanation for this guy that asked me about his car is that he is in therapy for his social awkwardness and his therapist gave him an assignment to talk to a stranger. *shrug* Makes sense now, eh?

Somehow my explanation for this also triggered my hyper-sensitive guilt complex and I wonder if I should have talked with Element boy a little more before speeding off on my merry way. *shrug* Someone had to come home to write this blog.

who am i?

I am forgetful. Sometimes I forget who I am. Often times, I'll forget what my interests are, what I enjoy doing on the weekends, even what makes me happy. I think this is a reason why I have a tendency to define myself through my relationships with people or how I am perceived by others. This was a slightly disturbing self-realization.

Tonight I was at happy hour turned dinner with some co-workers - people who I don't really know very well. I found it difficult to engage in conversations with them because I didn't really know what they were about. I admit that I am not taking the greatest interest in them, but I know that I do tend to hang back in new group social situations. There were times in the evening where I felt like I was in the midst of a bunch of social outcasts, but thinking back, I was really the awkward one hanging back in the conversations. I also can't help but think that it has something to do with a racial divide. I am not so sure.

Just last Friday, I hung out with this girl, killing some time in the mall to avoid traffic and I felt like that was completely fine. I do better in one-on-one situations. But then there was another Friday with a bunch of girls after work one day and that was completely fine. *sigh* I just don't know.

Maybe I've already built these notions about people in my head and I'm having a hard time letting them go. Maybe I'm still waiting for things to really click with people... where there is that common ground of understanding. If I can't figure out my relationships with these people, then I'll just be a lost wanderer. We can't have that, but maybe I need to figure out another way to define myself.

Some people define themselves based on what they do or their interests. The things I do or the interests that I have seem so superficial, I am not sure if I would really want those things to define me. So, maybe it's easier to let others do it for me. *shrug* Who knows?

update

So, here I am... about a month in with the new job. I still think it's great. Things have been going well. I've been getting to know my co-workers and all of that is certainly interesting. There are lots of different personalities, some that I would never have encountered if it weren't for this job and teamwork is critical to the success of the program, so we're getting pretty close. The training has been exhausting and I don't see it letting up, since I'll be working six 16 hour-long days a week come June 21st.
I just got back from working out. It's been something that I've put off because I spend so much time driving to work now (or I'm just lazy). I try to tell myself that the 1.5 block walk to the building from the parking lot and the 7+ flights of stairs I climb is enough exercise, but I realize that in just a few weeks, my fitness level has taken a bit of a dip.
I thought there was more for me to blog about, considering this is the second entry for the month. Oh well. I guess that's all I can think of for now.

goodness abounds

I am loving the new job. The people I work with are cool. I get a snack time. I get free unlimited beverages and popcorn. And, I'm not bored! A job with a purpose! It's fantastic. I found out earlier this week that the contract I was working on at the LOC was NOT renewed, so I would be unemployed if I had stayed there. Isn't that something? I am blessed.

Lots of wonderful things are happening to people all around me, so many good things that I can't even remember them all. Teacher Y, who I worked with in San Diego was named Teacher of the Year for San Diego County Schools. F is one of the two best and brightest individuals in her class (the other being her bf!! gasp!). E put an offer on a house. And... what else? I'm sure there's more.

I've been pretty spent with work and such. I'm just trying to get into a routine.

Last weekend my mom and I went to go see J's parents. A good time was had by all. It would have been nice to spend more time there with them. I really love J's parents. J's mom wants to adopt me and I think she wants to adopt my mom too. Hahaha... I never imagined that the meeting of the parents was going to go so well, like they've already known each other for awhile. We didn't even need J though, even though he was on the phone with us a third of the time. I thought my mom would be stand-offish, but she wasn't.

I got to hear cute J stories as well as see some childhood photos. He still looks the same, though his baby picture didn't look as much like him as I thought it would. He looked like a heavy toddler - I guess that's what happens when you start eating table food at 3-4 months.

I miss J. I don't typically like to admit that to myself, but I guess in the midst of all these good and wonderful things, there is the thought that it would be all the more better with him near me. I'm tired and slightly cranky. I'll be going to bed now. That's my update. Don't expect my blogs to be too interesting since my job is actually making me think.

final day at the LOC

My time at the LOC is up. I'm moving on to greener pastures starting tomorrow. I will miss my co-workers. I had a going-away lunch today and it was simply very nice to chat with them. There is so little time for us to just sit and learn about one another and I think if there had been more opportunity for that, I may have enjoyed my job a little more.

Today JO bestowed a lovely gift of Girl Scout Samoas and macadamia nuts to me. We will hopefully reconvene at China Garden soon for dim sum. He is such an interesting man and he definitely makes the time pass at work when he tells his stories. He always says, "Oh, brother." And I always want to say, "Oh, sister," in response, although I've only been so bold as to do it twice. It makes me laugh.

He's quite a character. He's sort of fussy. One time recently, he was trying to send an email at exactly 5:00, but his email was acting up. He ended up sending it at 5:01 and you could see him getting flustered over this minute detail. He's great though. I might even go to one of those chamber music concerts with him. Or just stick to dim sum.

It feels really good to be moving on and doing something new.

Update on Easter Sunday - I didn't enjoy the service at the Chinese Community Church. I'm not sure what it's like on a non-holiday, but it wasn't hype enough for my taste (not that I REALLY need the flag-waving and running around filled with the spirit). I guess I was just looking for people that were more enthusiastic. People sitting behind me were sleeping! I am not sure how to tell Florence (lady I met on the metro) that I don't want to go back. I certainly can't continue going to that boring church!

miss me?

I think my blog has been missing me lately. And I've been selfish, keeping all my self amusement to... well, myself (and a few others). I've been busy and tired. I feel like I've been pretty active in terms of seeing people and things of that nature, which can be a task for me since I need my down time. Anyway, let's catch up.

I think Spring Cleaning has begun. I just put freshly laundered bedding on my bed. If someone walked in, they would have found me practically naked crawling inside of my duvet in order to get the comforter straightened out in there. Ridiculous, I know. Is there a better way to do it? Will someone enlighten me?

Tomorrow is Easter. I think the last time I went to church might have been Easter, two years ago. Sad, I know. Luckily, this year I met a nice lady on the metro this past Thursday who asked me to come to church with her. I think it'll be neat. She's from Malaysia, so her accent is similar to that of my family in Singapore. Something about her seemed familiar, but maybe it was just the fact that she's Chinese. We'll be going to the Chinese Community Church in Chinatown tomorrow. I enjoy meeting strangers. Even if it's only a brief interaction, I think they are sent for a reason.

I think a lot of my random pondering will cease soon because of the new job. I'm happy about this because I need new stimulation. I'm nervous to start this job and also extremely excited for a new challenge. I start on Wednesday!

Alright... I'm going to relax with some ice cream and scrapbooking.

last week @ the LOC

I put in my two weeks notice and JO is totally sad-faced. Every time he passes my desk at work, he makes a sad face. Him and another lady at work said they were going to beat me up since I was making them feel sad. They're cute. I feel bad for leaving, but it has to be done. I was really tired of my job. They got a good eight months out of me. *sigh* I hope that this is the right decision and from where I'm sitting, I think it will be.

stupid love

Infatuation clouds your head. I think it is especially difficult when you have someone avidly wooing you - saying all the right things, pulling all the right moves, etc. This is how we get tricked! You fall so hard because you have this person who is making you their world and it feels good and even if all rationality tells you that it's wrong, something inside of you convinces you that it just might be right. We'll overlook traits and characteristics that we had on our "wish lists" because the euphoria of infatuation makes those things seem so insignificant.

I was tricked with BB. I've been reading my diary from when I was dating him and I'm seeing that I was so blind. The things that I thought I loved about him weren't really him. He told me once that when he was with me, he felt like he was an actor in some romantic movie. Huh? What does that even mean? That should have been a red flag to me that he wasn't being himself with me. In my diary I wrote, "Things with BB are weird. We barely talk... I feel like our chats lack substance/quality... I want us to really become immersed in each other's lives... I just haven't been doing a great job of including him." Actually, I really had been trying to include him, but like my roommates at the time mentioned, he had no personality. Well, he did have a personality, it was just a lame one. And he was really materialistic as well, which was something that I always knew was in his nature.

When I wrote about BB in my diary, I was always saying how I hoped this, hoped that and I also mentioned how I was afraid of getting hurt. I got over BB rather quickly. He said and did a lot of things to hurt me and then seemed to forget that he did those things. I guess being bipolar will do that to you.

Roomie was somewhat tricked with um... the Egg Dropper. Yes, he dropped scrambled eggs on our floor and when she pointed it out to him, he said, "Why didn't you clean it up?" If you don't see anything wrong with that picture, I can't help you. Looking back on her relationship she can site a bazillion red flags.

Every relationship needs some re-evaluation. And I think it's always important to examine anyone's motives for a relationship. Security? Boredom? Convenience? Ideally, not good reasons to be in a relationship. You always hear the phrase "the right reasons," but what are they? We can usually pin down the wrong ones, but the "right" ones don't seem as simple to put a finger on. "Love" just seems too vague. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should be with them because sometimes it's not enough, especially if you don't love yourself or if you have any other looming problems or issues.

This reflection on the past is my way of checking myself in my current relationship. I need to see that this time it is different than with my past relationships. And so far, it is. I don't ever want to look back on this relationship and question the authenticity of my emotions or my assessment of J's character. If there are red flags, I don't want to ignore them. I'd want to instead address them.

It's almost midnight... I just wanted to get some of these thoughts down and to hear what anyone else has to say. I'm curious. Let me know. :)

like my heart is being ripped in two

I had a dream about my grandma last night. I was on a trip somewhere and had missed my flight so I was trying to get in contact with my grandma, but the only way I could do so was through IM. How that worked, I'm not sure, since she was illiterate and non-English speaking. It was a jarring slap in the face to wake up around 6 am and realize that she isn't alive anymore. In my dream I could feel her presence so strongly. It's been almost three years since she passed away, six years since I've seen her, and twelve years since I've heard her voice. The last time I saw her, I was in Singapore for about a week. Every day I was there, the only thing I wanted to do was to go to the nursing home where she was staying and just be close to her. At that point in her life, she couldn't speak anymore. I don't really know why. I'll never forget the moment she saw me though. She didn't know that I was going to be in Singapore, and when I showed up at her bedside her eyes lit up in surprise and disbelief. She couldn't speak to me, but I knew everything in her heart, just the same. I remember holding on to her hand and wanting to just stay like that forever.

I think this was on my mind because my cousin asked me what my grandma's favorite food was. I miss my grandma and I often wonder how different life would be if she didn't go back to Singapore when I was 13. I wish that I could have seen her one last time before she passed away. I guess the only place I really can see her now is my dreams. And though it breaks my heart when I wake up in the morning, feeling her love so closely to the point where I think she is alive, is worth it.

lunch on the outside

I went to Starbucks for lunch today and saw a man wearing a bright green suit with yellow question marks. I want to say he had yellow Crocs on as well. Anyway, I didn't really think anything of it. I thought he was doing a promo. Hahaha. Anyway, my co-worker pointed out that he does commercials for government loans or something. She's also the one that took the picture. That's my second quasi-celebrity sighting this week! Hmm... who will I see next?

channeling blue skies

I am back from Miami. Although, the skies aren't blue here, the temperature is better than it was when I left, so I'm in good spirits. I think South Becah is the only place in the United States (where I would vacation) that feels like another country, very European. It's beautiful there. From the beaches, to the buildings, to the bodies. It's almost disgusting really. It's not so much an ostentatious display of wealth, like in some places, more flaunting the body and I definitely envy the leisure and ease of the lifestyle.

There is something in the water there that makes women tall, beautiful and oozing glamour. It can be a bruise to the ego, but I think I just accepted it and observed it like the social scientist that I am. It's more than obvious that I didn't belong there.

Miami was a great getaway. We got a little, yellow Pontiac as our rental. It was highly economical even though we got jacked in our first valet experience in Miami. It was $24 to park at the Shore Club! I suppose that could be worthwhile to someone who was there for an entire day, but we were only there for dinner. *sigh* You live and learn.

I wish we took more pictures, but I didn't quite have the bronze glow that I had hoped to achieve. And I don't think we really wanted to look any more like tourists than we already felt. Ooh! We had a celebrity sighting! We decided it was not a good look to approach him during his dinner.

The beach was about half a block from the hotel. It was heavenly when the clouds weren't blocking the sun. I even went into the water a bit. It wasn't that cold. I would say definitely warmer than the beaches in San Diego at this time of year, but then again maybe living in perfect weather makes you soft. That might just be it.

I'm sorry if this blog is all over the place. I'm just in an early afternoon euphoria. I got my first facial yesterday. It didn't change my life. It was an all natural spa. I guess I'll go for the chemicals next time and to a spa that's closer to home. :)

I have a thing for Odwalla bars now. They are about $1.50 a pop, I haven't decided how I feel about that yet. I haven't tried their smoothies, though I've heard that they are pretty good. Those are really pricey.

When I got on the flight from Atlanta to DC, I realized that my traveling companion is my roommate. I had forgotten that I live with her. We rarely see each other and she'll be gone this upcoming weekend!

Yeah, so that was my weekend. Time to get back to work!

PUFF ALERT - please keep an eye on your fluffy, white pets

Coming up the escalator this morning, I saw a woman wearing a 2 foot wide puff on her head. I know it's cold, lady, but that hat is OUTRAGEOUS. I'm surprised everyone wasn't staring at her and it's not like she could tell if they were since she was under that puff. It was like she stuck a Coton de Tulear on her head and I'm NOT exaggerating. *sigh* You gotta love the things I see on my way to work.

Could I carry my camera around with me? Would people think I was rude? Ugh... the ethics.

why straight men should only have one pair of shoes in each color

On my way to work this morning, I noticed a man with two similar shoes on his feet. Though they were both black and loafer-style, they were not a match. One had a really high base with an arch and the other was more flat. I thought that my eyes were deceiving me, but when we came to his metro stop, I observed him walking a bit lopsided.

the disadvantage of youth

Typically, I don't mind being thought of as young. Call me cute, give me advice, that's all fine, however, being the rebel that I am, I HATE being told what to do, especially when I feel like the person doesn't have any place to do so.

So, there I am, sitting on the metro. As we pull into my stop, I say to the woman who is reading next to me, "This is my stop." I thought that was perfectly acceptable. I have never found it rude when people have said it to me. I think on the metro, "This is my stop" is understood to mean, "Could you please move aside, so that I may exit?"

Anyway, the woman slowly gathers up her things and says, "Ok. Say 'excuse me.'" I was stunned. I am not a child who needs to be taught her manners. Personally, I reserve "excuse me" for when I don't understand or approve of something (which may be accompanied by a bit of an attitude... which I might have used in response to the lady if I wasn't such a nice little, Asian girl) or when I want to ask a question to a stranger. The mere fact that I didn't say, "Move, B#$%@!" should have been enough.

Ok... I've vented. I'm going to let it go now. Release...

c'mon get happy

Do some people enjoy living in a perpetual state of disturbance? I feel like there are some people out there who create problems for themselves or refuse to take action to resolve their own problems. Perhaps on a subconscious level, they don't really want any obstacles removed from their path because their problems define their identities. If they aren't complaining then they don't know what else they would say. So, guess what I heard on the Secret yesterday? Some people are more comfortable with the certainty in suffering than in things getting better. I think I might have stopped listening after they said this because it was such an affirmation to my idea, so I don't know how these people can be helped. I'm guessing they should listen to the Secret. :)

highlights from the 25th year

I've been meaning to write a birthday blog because 25 was a really good year. Here is a list of the highlights in chronological order...

1. 25th Birthday w/ my BFFs
2. Bliss Spa in NYC
3. Clipse Concert
4. Up all Night in NYC
5. Broken English
6. Judy Blume @ ALA Conference
7. Trip to San Diego/LA
8. Getting fired from the ballet academy - Getting a job at the LOC
9. JWR
10. R. Kelly
11. Chris Brown - it was totally worth it the second time around :)
12. Lion King

my ears deceive me

So, I work with this Austrian woman. She has an accent. Here is the conversation that took place when I got to my desk.

AW: I saw a death this morning.
ME: Oh really!? Where?
AW: Downstairs
ME: Outside?
AW: No, just downstairs
ME: Are you sure? How do you know?
AW: I know. I've seen her before. She had reddish-brown hair and was short with glasses.

At this point I realized that she didn't see a "death" this morning but she saw "Deb," a woman who is quite notorious for her irrational behavior.

Basically, what started out as a very interesting conversation ended in a fizzle. I am glad that no one died in the library though.

Happy Valentine's Day - my gift to the menfolk

PMS. You know your monthly visitor is on the way because your skin is not cooperating and you have mood swings like a manic-depressive. At least this is how it goes for me. The emotions are so frustrating because it really does have you thinking and acting like a crazy person. One minute I want to cry and then the next I'll be fine. I feel wholly apathetic about things that would typically be important (my relationship, for example) and then I become obsessed with my weight and appearance.

I never know what will irritate me. All of a sudden I am rude and will disengage. And you'll be wondering, is this really the same person who has a "no 'shut-up'" policy in her relationship and gets hugs from the mean lady at work? I feel like PMS apology letters have become a regular thing for me to write to my boyfriend (well, only once or twice). It's like apologizing for someone else. It wasn't me that called you annoying or refused to laugh at your jokes. It was a less-rational, less-sane person who resembles me on a bad-skin and bad-hair day.

Anyway, I'm writing this blog as a man's manual (Hi J!)on how to deal with me (and maybe some other women) when I'm (they're) PMS-ing.
1. Get me moving, physical activity is great to combat the thoughts of "I'm so fat." It might also help me take out some of my aggression... maybe you'd like to be my personal punching bag, because let's face it, my words hurt you more than any blow with my fists.
2. Turn on some of my favorite dance music. Don't force me to dance, especially if your moves aren't quite winning me over. I'll dance on my own when I'm ready.
3. Do something to help me relax - bath, massage, watching Hell Date, etc.
4. Tell me to call F or D. They are usually good at diffusing such situations. F will talk to me about bad television programs or her antics and D can tell me cute stories about her too-cute niece or the latest weirdo in her life.
5. Run an errand or do something nice and unexpected for me to show you care and that you don't just want to suck the life out of me (because the thought does cross my mind while I am in this state).
6. Have a delicious dessert (who am I kidding, just stock the entire kitchen with EVERYTHING) on hand in case all else fails because nothing is going to make any sense for about a week.

Now... the things NOT to do
1. Do NOT make any jokes that are rude in the slightest, even if I would normally laugh at them. I will not be amused and be forced to take it in the worst way possible.
2. Do NOT expect me to be my cute, happy, effervesent self, no matter what. You're only setting yourself up for disappointment and making me feel bad for being this way.
3. Do NOT mention any other female, unless she is dead or in your family.
4. Do NOT let me get away with being a bitch. Recognize the PMS. If you've followed all the rules and my behavior becomes unreasonable, then you need to let me know (nicely).
5. Do NOT take it personally... Monica was so right with that song. That is the PMS anthem.

So, there it is. You know how to deal with PMS now. Happy Valentine's Day to you!

power struggles

We always talk about who wears the pants in the relationship. The ideal situation is for there to be a balance or even distribution of power. Unfortunately, this is not the case in all relationships. Roomie and I sought to determine the factors of power in romantic relationships. We came up with four factors that are all equally-weighted. A point is given to whichever individual holds the power in each given factor, and the one who gets the most points, holds the most power (we did give half points in situations which the factor in question was inconclusive). We even plugged in different couples that we know in order to test whether our theory held any weight. Now, this isn't exactly scientific method since we are only observers of relationships and do not know all the nitty-gritty details and power can and often does shift in the course of a relationship, but I think we did a pretty good job - see if you agree.

Factor 1: The Pursuer
The one doing the chasing has less power because they are first to open themselves up to be vulnerable. In their pursuit, they are giving the pursuited the option of whether or not to accept their affections.

Factor 2: Attractiveness
The one who is more attractive has more power because they are more appealing to the opposite sex and have greater potential to get another mate.

Factor 3: The Decisionmaker
The person who determines the course of a relationship has more power. The main decisionmaker can convince their mate that what they want is ultimately what is best for the relationship, even if the other person is unhappy with the decision. The unhappy party will succumb to the other party in order to keep the peace and their mate.

Factor 4: Need
In a healthy relationship, this factor eventually becomes very balanced as each person becomes more dependent on the other for sexual, emotional, financial fulfillment, so this is the factor that is least cut and dry. I think the question that has to be asked is, "who would be worse off if the relationship ended?"

curiosity killed whatever animal that man's wig is made out of!

Why is it taboo to ask people certain questions? Why is there a bridge you must cross in order to reach the level of intimacy where it isn't rude to ask people "personal" questions? I think we would have everything figured out much quicker if we could just cut to the chase. And we wouldn't have all that small-talk BS that makes me cringe. There are questions that people are dying to ask but don't for fear of being rude or inconsiderate. So, essentially we don't want anyone to judge us for being so upfront.

Today, this guy at worked introduced himself to me. We were going to lunch at the same time so he cornered me on the elevator. He had sweat dripping all over his face, which he was wiping with his hand, therefore I did not want to shake his hand, but I did anyway. This guy has a serious limp. I think one leg must be a lot shorter than the other.

I was in and out of the cafeteria for fear that he would try to eat lunch with me. All his sweating made me uncomfortable and I wanted to wash my hands. While I was bolting to and from the cafeteria thoughts of the potential lunch conversation plagued me. I would want to ask him why he had a limp, but that wouldn't be right. I mean, am I not supposed to notice that he has a limp? Why can't I just ask him? Would he tell me about it if we had an in-depth conversation?

There's another guy at work who I only see in the mornings. He has no arms. If I were to have lunch with him, I'd want to ask him about that. Lunch with him would be really awkward too because when you eat, you have to use your hands. Does he eat with people? Do they help him? Was he born without arms?

Recently I've been encountering this man in the cafeteria that has the worst wig EVER. I would describe the color and texture as a mix between cotton candy and a meerkat. I can see his white sideburns, so how come he has a pinkish-tan wig? What's under there? Why doesn't he comb this wig? It's unreal. Nobody is fooled. Does he think it looks good on him? It's many steps below Barbie hair. I hope to get a picture one day.

I wonder if there are questions that people want to ask me but don't. The questionee has the right to reserve his/her privacy so if someone did ask me a question that was too "personal" I would just avoid it. I wouldn't judge them for their curiosity since I wouldn't want anyone to judge me for mine. So, ask away. I'd be happy to oblige (maybe).

bloggity blog blog

The blogs I most enjoy reading have not been updated so I thought I should update to perhaps inspire them (or give them a bit of a guilt trip for leaving me bored at work). I just created a new blog for book club. I think it will be fun to update about the new book we're reading, Snowflower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See and for people to post about the book we just finished reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

So, I had lunch with my brother this weekend and he was talking to me about blogging. He has started blogging, but not out of vanity (catharsis, self-reflection) or to keep people updated on his life, but out of greed! He's blogging for the money! He was telling me all about ads, and how if people click links on your blog, you make money. There was a word for that, started with a "b" - can't remember it now. He's made 35 cents so far. Apparently, people can make a living doing this stuff. He asked whether I was interested in doing this. "Do you have a niche?" he asked, "What do you blog about?"

Uh... stuff? Unfortunately, as amused as I am with myself, I need a niche in order to target an audience for ads and to generate traffic to my blog (and make the money). So, maybe my niche will be reading, since I just started that book blog - eh... reading isn't quite the hotness and what do you sell to readers besides books? I don't know. My brother said he'd get back to me in a month. Maybe by then he'll have made a whole dollar and maybe I'll have uncovered a different niche. Dating and relationships is supposedly huge... where can we go with that?

bad luck driving in DC

Well folks... remember that time not too long ago where I ran that redlight leaving the ballet academy. It came and got me today in the form of a $150 ticket. *sigh* Stupid, stupid, stupid. You know... it's not even about stupidity. I just have slow reflexes when it comes to driving. So slow. :(

boundaries

Early in life we get the impulse to push the envelope. I think around 18 months, children start to test their limits. They want to see how loud they have to scream before they get a response or how many times they can throw something on the floor for mom to pick up until it is taken away. Essentially, they are learning about cause and effect and about how much impact or control they have on their surrounding environment.

This type of exploration follows us throughout life. When I was 5, I asked my mom, "where the hell is Cathy (my cousin)?" I recieved a swift smack on the mouth. I didn't know that I had said anything inappropriate. I probably saw it on tv and just wanted to test out the new phrase, but I was also testing a boundary and trying to gauge my own status. Essentially, I was trying to determine whether I was grown-up enough to say that. Apparently not.

In a way, we're just trying to see what we can get away with. It's a behavioral challenge. Exhileration comes from being on the very edge and catching a glimpse of the other side, like playing with fire.

I like to tiptoe on the line sometimes. I guess with the people I love the most and who I think love me the most. Sometimes you just want to act out and even though you're not thinking, "I want to know the boundaries of your love for me," subconsciously that is your goal or perhaps you need that reassurance.

In relationships there aren't physical bounds that can be measured, however, the boundaries are still tested for similar reasons; to determine control and status. Who has more control of the relationship? What kind of status do I have in this relationship? How much does so and so love me?

I don't have any advice in dealing with this type of behavior if you're the one being tested (perhaps I will have it figured out once I have children or something). If it happens to you, it's your own judgement call. Different relationships will have different boundaries dependent on those involved. Everyone is constantly seeking boundaries. We want to see how far out we can go even though we don't want to go beyond that point because ultimately we always want someone there to pull us back and love us.

who's your daddy?

Last night, roomie and I were discussing dads. Somehow, we came to the conclusion that my dad is the most attractive of all my friends' dads. He has a full head of hair, no gut, and is in pretty good shape. He also has wonderfully defined facial bone structure. Who knew my dad was such a stud?

negotiating friendships through life changes

As our lives move beyond high school and college, the ties of friendship are tested. It is easy to maintain friendships with people in the same location, doing the same things at the same time, not to mention the abundance of free time we had or the ease in which we shirked responsibility. Different relationships require varying levels of nourishment. There are some friends that you see once or twice a year when it's convenient and you spend hours catching up. There are friends that you have all night chat and veg sessions with every some odd weeks. There are friends that you send 12 random texts to on those particularly curious days. There is quite a spectrum and one form of friendship sustenance is not better than the other. Without set guidelines, just how a friendship operates depends on the pair.

I value each of my friends for their individual personalities and for what they bring to my life. Unfortunately, I made a poor showing of this a few days ago to a friend that I have known since 4th grade. If I made each of my friends a body part, she would be the heart. She is sensitive and loving - traits that I lack at times. We hadn't hung out or really talked in almost two months and I think that put a bit of a chip on my shoulder about her importance in my life, which in turn may have led to my poor treatment of her. As someone has been telling me, I'm "such a girl." And well, yes I am. Us girls in our quarterlives are having breakdowns left and right over the littlest things. We're facing all these changes and venturing into a world unknown. Are we crying because we're scared? Are we crying about what we might be losing? Are we crying because we don't want to let go of our post-college glow? Friendships seem to wax and wane, unfortunately those cycles are not as easy to read as other cycles we deal with. Again, I'm a girl.

It's daunting. I'm saying and doing things I'd never thought I'd do or say and I'm wondering if I've lost a piece of who I am. I think a lot of my friends are feeling similar, yet we're not really sure what is at the heart of the matter. I find myself feeling so alone at times and although I'm content with it, something does feel amiss. In all the other stages of my life, I was knee-deep in commiseration with my friends - puberty, identity crises, teenage angst, the college years. I'm beginning to wonder what friendships will endure this current phase of my life and what role I play in keeping these friendships. What must I do? What must I accept or not accept? What makes a friendship worthwhile? It's almost something we take for granted now. And we are surrounded by so many other people and things that our nearest and dearest friends almost become a second thought. I've never been very good at reaching out, but if I want to keep the friends that I've got, I think it might be time to learn.

fight or flight?

I am a flighter, if that's even a word. One mis-step and I am about-face and gone, warp speed. I don't know how we develop these instincts or if we are born as one or the other. I think flighters are chickens. Yeah, I'm a chicken.

I have a lot of respect for fighters. I envy them because they have this zeal, this confidence going into any given situation. They stand up for what they believe in and they fight because their morals tell them they should even when some fights aren't worth the trouble. P is a fighter. Many times I've been willing to abandon friendships and relationships or anything for that matter, but she won't let them go so easily. Even when she knows that someone isn't worth fighting for, she still tries because that is her nature. She thinks that every relationship is worth salvaging. To her not fighting is failure in itself.

There was a time way back when that P and I may have stopped being friends entirely. It was during summer vacation from high school. She would call me every single morning and wake me up after I explicitly told her that I just wanted to sleep in. One morning, fed up, we had a little exchange of words and one of us hung up on the other. I can't seem to recall who hung up on whom, but she was the one to initiate our reconciliation. We had a very close mutual friend so we still had that shared connection. We never really drifted apart, we just didn't talk. After months of not talking, she mailed me a card. I still have that card and I think it saved our friendship.

There was a time recently when we had a heart to heart, and again, she showed me how important our friendship was even when I would have just as easily walked away and then come to miss her like crazy, but have too much pride to say so. I'm a big, fat chicken. It is just so hard to bring myself to care sometimes, as if my emotions take longer to catch up with the rest of me. I'm glad that there are people like P in my life. I have a lot to learn from them.

six months

I've been working at the LOC for six months now. I only know vaguely what this whole operation is all about. Something about inventory, books, sending books to Ft. Meade... yeah. I inspect the trucks and then flag them for errors, if I find any. I don't really know what all the MARC records are. I don't even know the real difference between the holding record and the item record. And you probably know as much as I do about serials. You think I would have learned some of this by now. I guess I do a decent job at pretending like I know what I'm doing. I've never had to pretend in any of my previous jobs...

I don't know how much longer I'd like to keep up this charade. I've never had the same job for more than a year, so I'd like to set a personal record this time. Wish me luck... and also a raise.

good thing...

the smoke detector is outside of my room. I almost burned our apartment down on our second night there. I lit a candle and then left to observe roomie with her breadmaker. I think we were in the living room chatting when all of a sudden... BEEP!

I went into my room and discovered my glass candle holder ablaze!

I managed to blow it out, but it was quite scary.

Well, at least we know the smoke detector works. And I've learned my lesson.

"movin' on up..."

Or, moved, rather. This is our first night in our new apartment. We still have some cleaning to finish up in the old one - taking out trash, vacuuming. I'm going to miss good old 203. It was a cozy spot, but as we started our move, it became apparent that things were getting a bit cramped. We somehow accumulated tons of stuff in our time there and moving seemed like it would never end. Thank goodness we had some wonderful help. Those folks are the best. We had a shopping cart genius-cum-grocery advisor, my poor little brother, the ever-handy P, and then the egg-dropper turned couch-mover, who finished things off. My brother was quite the trooper. He was the first one here last night and then up early this morning to help us do most of the furniture. He's a great kid sometimes.

Roomie and I no longer share a bathroom, though getting used to such a teeny bathroom will take some time. Most everything else is bigger. I'm definitely making good use of the walk-in closet. Now I can confine my junk-monster tendencies (once I get more organized...). There is an impulse to fill empty space, but I'm resisting it. The thought of moving everything that I bring into this place is still entirely too fresh.

Yeah... so I guess this concludes my week. And what a week it was.

happy happy friday!

things that make me happy today
1. Hearing J's voice at 2am.
2. Hopping onto the Metro train just before the doors close
3. Wearing my rain boots (I'll post a picture, I think they would make you happy too)
4. Getting off work early
5. No longer being a bridesmaid!!!

busy busy

This has been such a busy week. All the days seem to run together. And it's not over yet. Tomorrow we sign our lease and start moving some of our stuff out of here. I hope that it goes smoothly.

I'm so tired but I feel like there is still unwinding that needs to be done. I think I can now definitely say I know what it's like to be a bridesmaid. All evening we had to get our picture taken and then while everyone was enjoying the show, we had to do all the behind-the-scenes stuff, so in other words, we did not get to watch the movie. I did get to play bride for about 5 minutes and toss the bouquet. That was really weird. I didn't get much air on the sucker, but I'll do better next time.

I had a lot of fun with the girls that I worked the promo with. We bonded. The experience brought us pretty close and we already have our reunion scheduled for next week when we get to go and watch a second free screening of the movie.

I'm glad that my bridesmaid duties are over. Perhaps in a few years I'll be ready to do it all over again. We'll see.

so, this is what being a bridesmaid is like...

None of my close friends has gotten married (I guess they'd have to be engaged first) yet, but I think I already know what it's like to be a bridesmaid. "Be here at this time" and "Wear this." I've done this gig for 3 days now and I'm beat. I guess working the promo on top of my job makes for a long day. 2 days left. Thursday is the big show.

I just got an email with pictures of the dresses. I see three dresses and one of them is kind of ugly. I hope I don't get that one, but I probably will. I know I'm not fat, but I feel like I need to starve myself for this dress. Being at the ballet academy yesterday didn't help. I really shouldn't go there anymore. It is just depressing.

my bad...

I went to the ballet academy today to have dinner with my old mentee. I thought I'd bring a pizza since the food is usually not that great. Well... they not only re-did the entire cafeteria, they also hired a new chef! So, I basically insulted him on his first day. The food really did look quite tasty. I'm impressed, but my giant pizza box was not a pleasant gesture by any means.

I think I ate too much pizza... I feel gross. And to tie a nice bow onto this fiasco, I think I ran a redlight on my way home. I saw those camera flashes. I hope the ticket isn't too much... Ugh... I should never go back to that place again...

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2008!

I worked a promo this weekend where I was wandering around DC wearing a bright pink sweatshirt and a veil. I was promoting the movie "27 Dresses". The sweatshirt said "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" on the back. It was fun. I'm doing it for 2 more days and then on Thursday, I will be wearing a dress for the movie screening. I got to peruse some shops and also hang out in the Origins store playing with the moisturizer and the makeup. I'll try to post some pictures later, perhaps.



We move in less than a week!!! It's crazy. Hopefully it won't be too bad. Hopefully, we'll have lots of people come to help. :)

On Saturday, Mike stopped by. We got to catch up a bit since he's been in Texas and hasn't blogged in awhile. Not that I have either. After Mike left, E and Pierre came by and we made omelets and strawberry pancakes for dinner. These are some of my favorite people lately. It's just always really chill hanging out with them and there's no pressure to look cute or cater to them (not that I'm very good at that anyway).

An interesting topic came up in a chat with Pierre and E. We were talking about American men and how they don't really know how to express their feelings. They don't know how to show a girl that they love her. In some other cultures (French, Spanish, Latin in general) men are so much more passionate and wear their hearts on their sleeves. It might be the influence of the culture, how they live life, the music they listen to, the things they eat, etc. I think a lot of times, American girls have low expectations for men. So, if a girl encounters a nice guy who does something even slightly above and beyond, she is convinced that a guy must love her. Hahaha. I'm not that easy to impress. I don't think Asian cultures are overtly romantic. It's more subtle and maybe marriage isn't even based on love. Regardless, a man really has to be consistent to win my affections. I know there is room to expand on this, but I'm at work...