boundaries

Early in life we get the impulse to push the envelope. I think around 18 months, children start to test their limits. They want to see how loud they have to scream before they get a response or how many times they can throw something on the floor for mom to pick up until it is taken away. Essentially, they are learning about cause and effect and about how much impact or control they have on their surrounding environment.

This type of exploration follows us throughout life. When I was 5, I asked my mom, "where the hell is Cathy (my cousin)?" I recieved a swift smack on the mouth. I didn't know that I had said anything inappropriate. I probably saw it on tv and just wanted to test out the new phrase, but I was also testing a boundary and trying to gauge my own status. Essentially, I was trying to determine whether I was grown-up enough to say that. Apparently not.

In a way, we're just trying to see what we can get away with. It's a behavioral challenge. Exhileration comes from being on the very edge and catching a glimpse of the other side, like playing with fire.

I like to tiptoe on the line sometimes. I guess with the people I love the most and who I think love me the most. Sometimes you just want to act out and even though you're not thinking, "I want to know the boundaries of your love for me," subconsciously that is your goal or perhaps you need that reassurance.

In relationships there aren't physical bounds that can be measured, however, the boundaries are still tested for similar reasons; to determine control and status. Who has more control of the relationship? What kind of status do I have in this relationship? How much does so and so love me?

I don't have any advice in dealing with this type of behavior if you're the one being tested (perhaps I will have it figured out once I have children or something). If it happens to you, it's your own judgement call. Different relationships will have different boundaries dependent on those involved. Everyone is constantly seeking boundaries. We want to see how far out we can go even though we don't want to go beyond that point because ultimately we always want someone there to pull us back and love us.