I am forgetful. Sometimes I forget who I am. Often times, I'll forget what my interests are, what I enjoy doing on the weekends, even what makes me happy. I think this is a reason why I have a tendency to define myself through my relationships with people or how I am perceived by others. This was a slightly disturbing self-realization.
Tonight I was at happy hour turned dinner with some co-workers - people who I don't really know very well. I found it difficult to engage in conversations with them because I didn't really know what they were about. I admit that I am not taking the greatest interest in them, but I know that I do tend to hang back in new group social situations. There were times in the evening where I felt like I was in the midst of a bunch of social outcasts, but thinking back, I was really the awkward one hanging back in the conversations. I also can't help but think that it has something to do with a racial divide. I am not so sure.
Just last Friday, I hung out with this girl, killing some time in the mall to avoid traffic and I felt like that was completely fine. I do better in one-on-one situations. But then there was another Friday with a bunch of girls after work one day and that was completely fine. *sigh* I just don't know.
Maybe I've already built these notions about people in my head and I'm having a hard time letting them go. Maybe I'm still waiting for things to really click with people... where there is that common ground of understanding. If I can't figure out my relationships with these people, then I'll just be a lost wanderer. We can't have that, but maybe I need to figure out another way to define myself.
Some people define themselves based on what they do or their interests. The things I do or the interests that I have seem so superficial, I am not sure if I would really want those things to define me. So, maybe it's easier to let others do it for me. *shrug* Who knows?
2 comments:
yes, i've been having trouble sleeping lately...so i'm here to comment on your blog.
i feel like for our generation, defining ourselves is really difficult. there are so many opportunities out there that each interest seems pretty fleeting. i was looking at the interests on my resume the other day and realized that i only really am active still in one of them. i think i called you once to figure out what i could put down for hobbies, etc., and we discussed how guys seem to have hobbies more than girls in general. like concrete continuous activities or interest they can point to. whereas girls tend to just dabble in some. i've been finding lately i've been saying, "oh! did i ever tell you when i took boxing/ pottery/jewelry making/spanish classes or that i used to knit?" and on and on. so many things i used to do or did only for a short time. lately, i only have the energy for very few things. blogging has obviously fallen to the wayside too...maybe you're just at a point in your life where your interests are changing or you just don't have energy to pursue a lot of what you like. besides, i think many of your interests that are not superficial, such as writing, are too personal to share with people in a new social situation.
just don't attach yourself to another AW. that is all. =D
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