new relationships

Today NG came back from lunch with a box and said, "I shouldn't have gotten this." Intrigued, I asked him what it was. He opened the box and showed me...

a slice of pizza.

Yeah, not that interesting, but I was touched that he displayed such enthusiasm. It takes our relationship to a new level.

Jefe has a new friend. Well, maybe it's an old friend, but regardless, B pointed out to me that they are body doubles. That would mean round and of average-height - stocky, if you will. I've also been meaning to mention that Jefe's love life has picked up. I'm happy for him. It puts a little pep in his step.

NNG

That's New New Guy, if you weren't following. He showed up today. I'm unimpressed. He looks super nerdy. He makes B look good, which is sad. I didn't interact with him a whole lot because I only worked a few hours today. Meh.

Finally gave my presentation for class. Yay... it's all gravy until the final. :)

drowning in my own sweat

I went to my first Bikram Yoga class yesterday. When the doors finally opened, out came a man wearing just shorts and sporting a porno patch of hair on his chest. Sweat was beading up all over his back and down his chest. I was not enthused about all that perspiration.

I don't know what the temperature was in that room, but I started sweating within about 5 minutes of sitting in there and this was before the class began. During most of the class, you're supposed to focus on yourself in the mirror. For the first 30 minutes, I had a nice flush to my cheeks and I thought I was looking pretty cute. In another 10 minutes, my hair was all over the place, sticking up in about 17 million different directions and my entire face was red - red like it's never been in my life. I don't get Asian glow when I drink, so I certainly didn't expect this shade of crimson.

It was intense. My shirt and sports bra from last night have still not dried. They were soaked.

Throughout the entire class, I kept thinking, "I'm not going to make it" and "I'm not coming back." I survived the entire class though and I am going back sometime this week. They say you should try to go at least twice. Whew... I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

you are who you hang out with?

Do you ever find yourself being a different person around different people? Do you feel more fun around certain friends and then a wallflower with others?

When it comes to hanging out with people, I wonder if we choose them based on how they make us feel or perhaps how they engage us. If we feel comfortable with them, then we probably don't mind hanging out with them whenever. If we feel bored or boring around them, then we probably don't want to hang out with them at all. I think it might also have to do with how the individual perceives you, which in turn affects how they treat you. When someone holds you in a certain regard and actively seeks your opinion, you feel that you matter. Knowing that you matter to someone on some level can be a foundation for friendships.

You notice how you only do certain things with certain friends. Just like there are foods that you only eat with certain people and there are places you only go with certain people. Even topics of conversation vary based on who you are hanging out with.

Ok... that's all I got.

hashbrowns

I got hashbrowns today. When I ordered, I asked the lady for one, not knowing that they came in pairs. There was a man next to me and he jumped in and said, "I'll take the other one!" I sort of chuckled at him, knowing full well that I was not about to give him my other hashbrown. He obviously didn't know who I was, nor the fact that eating is one of my hobbies.

So, I went and paid for my two hashbrowns and was about to make my exit. And the man stops me in my tracks and said, "I'm waiting. I'll take that hashbrown now."

Excuse me...

I could NOT believe that he was badgering me for my hashbrown. A stranger! I told him that I intended to eat both of them and left.

What was the man thinking? Sheesh, mister.

will you be my grandpa?

Today JO and NG were attempting to photocopy something. I was at my computer and JO comes to my desk and explains that only blank pages were coming out. So, being the copy saavy girl that I am, I went to assist.

Long story short, I got it to work. Afterwards, JO came up to me and said, "You proved my point. Men are stupid." He stands firmly by this opinion. Men just aren't as flexible in their thinking, JO said so and I have no choice but to accept the fact that I'm of the superior gender. :)

squirrel antics

I saw a squirrel with half a donut this morning. He scurried off - most likely to his cup of coffee. I think it might have been the same squirrel that had the chicken bone.

teeth brusher

Is it common for people to brush their teeth at work? I find it so bizarre. Every morning in the ladies room around 9am, it is a guarantee that you will encounter this old woman who I have dubbed the "teeth brusher". It's not a bad thing, she just makes me feel awkward. There is something disturbing to me about brushing teeth in a public bathroom, especially one in DC, where we have a lot of homeless people that like to hang out here. And having a toothbrush and toothpaste to carry could be a burden. My bag is heavy enough. Sheesh.

update on new guy

So, I had NG pegged as a bachelor. I already imagined his whole bachelor life, what his place looked like, what foods he eats, what he does at home...

Come to find out... he's married! I have already imagined a new version of NG. It is a much happier existence. Though I hate making assumptions, I believed that he was single because he didn't wear a wedding band (when does that become okay? does his wife not wear one either? are they in an open marriage? oh dear...). He is more or less put together, wears clothes that fit him, nothing too crazy. JO, who I believe is a bachelor, wears his own uniform, white shirt, black pants, brown belt. Very plain, sometimes a navy v-neck sweater. But yeah, NG doesn't wear the same outfit every day.

Today he said something quite shocking. We had a meeting about a higher-up who is returning from Rio and we were warned to watch out for her because she likes to yell. NG said to me, "If she yells at me, she has something else coming... a lawsuit." *gasp* NG, I had no idea.

We're getting a New New Guy next week, should be interesting, maybe? We'll see.

JO loves me

Today I had to switch teams for work. This involves switching locations and also leaving the co-workers that I've grown so accumstomed to working with. Our teams aren't fixed so we are shifted around quite a bit and the duration of the stints on one team vary depending on the workload.

Anyway, that's the background info. Here is the story.

As I was leaving to head over to Team 1, I told JO that I was leaving. He asked me why I was going over there and I informed him that Jefe told me that they needed me over there. It took a few seconds for it to sink in (JO is an old man after all... the processing capabilities are one of the many things that slow with age and I think he was actually cc'd on the email that Jefe sent me) and then he said, "But what about the jokes? Can we email jokes?"

It was so cute. He really acted as if his work day was going to change just because I wouldn't be there. He then said that he would just have to start talking to himself again. Yeah, JO totally satisfies my love of geriatrics.

no minutes

So, the alma mater just called. Asking for money, naturally. I let the kid talk for about 30 seconds...

Then, EUREKA! I got my excuse!

"Sorry, I don't really have any minutes."

you tell me...

How do you stay friends with someone you don't have anything in common with?

Over time, friendship becomes about sharing stories, sharing experiences, sharing life. It's nice to know you can just go over to someone's place and spend a lazy day together, running errands, chatting, etc. It isn't necessary to make a big to-do. A lot of friendship is about being accessible. Simple things like being around on a random night or picking up the phone at an important time are the moments that make a friendship.

Something that one of my friends recently mentioned to my roomie bothered me. She said that she has been out of contact with me as of late because all I ever talk about is J. I would be lying if I said J wasn't always on my mind (and for obvious reason, I believe), but I don't think that he is all I talk about. Her comment made me feel as if I am a boring individual... a virtual pod, which I don't think that I am. I am dismayed that my friend feels this way about me. Even if J is all I talk about, it's not like I don't allow my friends to get a word in. And I will readily engage in conversation about anything that they want to discuss. I believe I have a good gauge of the ongoings of most of my friends lives. Not only do I know the substance, but I have a pulse on the emotional and mental processes behind them as well. Let's face it, you'd be hard-pressed to find a friend as good as me. Hahahaha... i'll stop.

Looking at my recent blogs, I don't think I mention J all that much. Although anything about relationships may seem to link to J, I also think that the dynamics of relationships are one of my primary interests - family relationships, sibling relationships, romantic relationships, friend relationships, relationships between friends and significant others, etc.

Anyway, if you're reading this and you feel neglected by me or that I talk about J too much, let me know. I'll see what I can do to remedy the situation.

I called an old friend yesterday and we chatted briefly. I haven't talked to him in months and it was good to catch up a bit. I know for a fact that we didn't talk about J the entire time, especially since he had a lot of interesting things going on in his life to catch me up on. Yeah, so this is my life at the moment... if only I were so inspired to write about school library observations... ugh.

the waiting game

I've been toying with this blog for about a month now. I know the feelings that spawned these thoughts, but I am not sure what my point was, so I just decided to put it out there. *shrug*


How long does it take to know whether you love someone? Then what?

Idealistically, it would be an instantaneous thing. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Get married. Make babies. But even when it is love at first sight, you have to ponder how long before you act upon it because you don't want to jump the gun or scare the other person off. And then you have to ask yourself, what are you waiting for if you already know that someone is "the One". What kind of action are you expected to take?

We can all think of couples that seem like they're ready to seal the deal and we wonder why they haven't gotten married yet. Perhaps one of the people in the relationship is calling the shots and they aren't ready. Maybe they live together despite the lack of a formal commitment and are waiting for other things to fall in place, finances, divorces, I don't know... I guess we learned from a very early age that "First comes love, then comes marriage..." but it's not that easy anymore. Now there are way too many options and other factors.

And then there's the whole other side of waiting for the next step - getting to know each other versus jumping into a relationship, not rushing, living together, etc. Everyone really operates by a different set of rules, timelines, and expectations. At this point, I think we've talked relationships into the ground, yet somehow the dynamic of relationships remains an ever-present topic of conversation. Even though every relationship is so unique, people are forever judging. I think one of the purposes of this blog was to attempt to figure out why, but I haven't found the answer yet.

Oh wait, I have other questions.

So, how much time do you give someone? If you think you're in love with them and they're in love with you, could you wait forever? Is that fair? I've done more than my fair share of waiting and often it was unclear what I was waiting for. Maybe sometimes it was waiting for someone to mess up or for someone to open up (including myself). I never waited idly, I tried to keep an open heart and an open mind constantly working towards some sort of goal (closing the achievement gap, world peace, finding a cure for breast cancer, etc.). Yeah, so I've had lots of practice in the waiting game. I started early (but that's another story). I'm actually on a wait currently, but this time with a much clearer vision ahead.

J$

I am always nervous to talk to J$. Perhaps I should explain who J$ is. J$ is a recruiter for the company I work for. From the beginning of our phone/email exchanges, I had a feeling that he had a crush on me. Anyway, he just sent me an email to call him. So, after about 15 minutes, I did. Turns out he was calling to ask whether I wanted to be considered for a job opening (where I would hopefully be making some more money and doing something a tad more interesting). We shall see where this goes... I have a phone interview with a potential boss tomorrow! Can't get my hopes up yet, but perhaps after the interview I'll get a call from J$ telling me I got the job.

"Lust, Caution" - but mostly Caution

I just saw the movie "Lust, Caution" this past Sunday. It has been a few years since I've seen a movie that left me so tense and riled up (that movie was "Unfaithful"). The entire plot was too much for me to digest. And set in such a tumultuous time, there was no way that I could relate. There is one extremely violent sex scene as well as other violent images and bloody scenes; other things to which I could not relate. I think that the movie was definitely worth watching, but I didn't think I would be so disturbed. I can't stand the built-up tension that I feel and then not having a release. I needed some serious warm and fuzzies after that flick.

Anyway, the movie made a recent conversation that I had with JO (70+ co-worker who says "effing" as well as "poo on that") very relevant. He said "the mind is not an infinite space." Then he began to discourse on how we should be wary of what we put into our minds - what information, visuals, etc. that we take in because they affect us at the subconscious level. He admitted to not watching tv for that reason alone. He is a firm believer in a simple way of life, avoiding unncessary complication and waste of the valuable space in his mind. I don't know how long he has been living his life this way, but he made it clear that it was a deliberate decision. He also urges me not to talk to him about anything remotely disturbing.

I was looking at a strange book about pests or something once and there was something about a rat coming out of a toilet. I asked JO if he ever had a rat come out of his toilet. He was startled as if he couldn't believe his ears. Once he realized what I said, he replied, "HT, don't tell me these things. I don't want those images in my head." Oh, JO. You are definitely the best part of work.

what happens in the ladies room

So, I'm in the doorway of the ladies restroom and I see the cleaning lady in there. She is short and a little chubby with dyed reddish/brown curly hair. She has her back to me, but then she turns around, so I say "Hi."

Then she says with the whole 'ese' headbob (not sure if that is universally recognized, but I have confidence in my audience), "It's closed."

screaming idiot

As I opened the door to go down the stairway in my apartment building, someone was coming up.

I was startled. I screamed. Really loud.

Right in my neighbor's face.

She then said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know I was that scary." She was really nice about it.

Sorry neighbor.

I scream easily.

yellow tales

J sent me an email that his mom sent him. Here is the comical excerpt.

"HT and I e-mail each other regularly each week. She sent some good pictures of us when we were in Tenn. Quite naturally you and her picture were the first one in the photo book. Moma said ya'll favor and were the same complexion. Hopefully you two are not kin."

I think we're safe on that one. Unless J has some Chinese in him that he's not telling me about. I just thought it was funny that his grandma made that comment. Hilarious.

new guy

Work is still boring as ever, but my co-workers make things a bit more interesting.

The new guy is a tall, brown-haired, blue-eyed 40+ white man. I try my best to be nice to him but there has been no real rapport established. I have had more chats with this other guy though, B. He is my age and he has some witty things to say here and there.

Anyway, we had a meeting the other day. So, when it was about time to head over to the meeting I asked B if he was ready to go. B then asked New Guy if he was coming. New Guy got up as if he was going to follow us to the meeting. B and I got to the elevator and NG was nowhere to be seen. So, we headed off without him.

We lost NG. I guess he doesn't want to be our friend.

racial rejects

So, last weekend when Effie was visiting, she mentioned that she is a racial reject. Eureka!! Me too! We never really defined the term, so here is my attempt. A Racial Reject is someone who is not seen as _______ (fill in blank with the reject's racial group) enough for their cultural cohorts. I don't think white people can be RRs because they are in such a majority that they have plenty of subsets to choose from and other cultures who will accept them as the token white person in their group (or they could simply adopt aspects of a culture - music, food, language, etc.). No one will fault a white person for being interested in another culture as long as they aren't making a mockery of it, whereas anyone else's racial group will quickly spot a RR.

I was at dinner once with a bunch of my brother's friends and friends of friends. There was a kid there that didn't know me or my brother. Roomie and I ended up giving him a ride home and on the way, his impressions of me and my brother came out. Based on appearance, my brother looks a lot more "Asian" (ahem, fobbish) than I do. No one would spot my brother as a RR. However, my brother can not understand or speak any Chinese. The kid then said that I looked like I didn't speak Chinese. The kid had me pegged for an RR solely based on my appearance.

Knowing a language or any of the cultural norms is not what makes you part of your racial group. It is greatly dependant on appearance and your general life perspective.

I have made mention before about my lack of appeal towards Asian men. I'm missing Asian energy apparently. And I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have a very non-traditional Asian household. My parents came from two different countries, met in America, rushed into marriage, had kids and then a messy divorce. My uber-traditional dad did not have a major role in my childhood and my mom ended up marrying a black man.

I was fortunate to grow up in a place where I was surrounded by different races and could always find at least one person who looked similar to me. Early on, I gravitated towards those people, but I wasn't exclusive. In middle school, I had my little Asian clique, which was mainly exclusive. That fell to the wayside in high school, though I still had a few Asian friends. In college, I remember thinking that all the Asian kids travelled around in huge packs wearing black and I didn't want to be a part of that. There was one Chinese girl who I befriended for a short while, but then I realized she was shady.

I think for a lot of Asian people (at least on the East Coast), going to college was the first time that there were pockets of Asians for them to befriend, so they immerse themselves into it. I had that exposure early on and didn't really feel as if I fit in that well. My Chinese speaking skills weren't very sharp and they seemed a lot more materialistic than me. I think in the back of my mind I knew that there were certain expectations that I couldn't live up to and also some that of which I was not aware.

No one wants to quantify their _______-ness. I think in Black culture, they are a lot harder on their RRs. Asian RRs don't have to confront that as often because there aren't as many Asian people around. There are also cultural differences. Black people will give looks and make comments about RRs, whereas Asian people will just avoid or ignore them. I'm not sure how one becomes a RR. Environment, interests, experiences?

A distinction needs to be made between RRs and people that have openly rejected their race (for example, the black person in the white greek organization). They have motives, unlike the RR. They might feel some sort of shame against their culture or perhaps they are trying to feel special in the sea of whiteness.

I think we have to have some sort of sympathy for the RR. We don't mean to defy the expectations, we just can't bring ourselves to succumb to them and not be who we are. It's an internal struggle. I mean, isn't it hard enough not to fit in? Can we fault the RR for being who they are? It's just not fair. I'm going to start a club. More to come later, hopefully.

where do they pick up these things?

Today, my 70+ Japanese co-worker came up to me and said, "I'm sick of these f-ing errors."

He didn't say the f-word, but just effing.

For clarification, he is not the fogie I complained about in a previous blog. That oldie actually got fired last week and he was Indian, I believe. He couldn't keep up, so they had to let him go. And, I think he was kind of lazy as well. We're getting a new guy next week. Should be interesting.

ain't a thing but a chicken wing

Did you know squirrels eat chicken bones?

Walking towards my apartment I saw a squirrel with something in its mouth climbing up a tree. It was a rather large object compared to what I imagine a squirrel to be carrying (y'know...small fruits and nuts). Once the squirrel got up the tree, he perched himself on a branch and lo and behold, he was gnawing on a chicken bone.

fogies

Sometimes old people are funny. They try to tell you how to do things, despite the fact that some of their techniques are completely outdated, prehistoric even. An older co-worker was trying to instruct me on how to fill out some sheet. Now, this is something that I've been doing for awhile now, and have had no complaints about until today. I made a minor mistake because some of the books were out of order and he proceeds to give me a 15 minute tutorial. I didn't mind, I'm at work, I've got time to kill. And I did learn about a few nuances that I didn't know before (space versus no space, all caps for months... really IMPORTANT stuff...). What I did mind, however was that he acted like he knew everything. And sorry, Mr. Man... you don't. I later had to correct a few mistakes that he had made, but I didn't feel the need to go over and give him a lecture about it. It's not my style. Hopefully, I won't become one of those old people.

do we know ourselves better when we're children?

The other day I met up with my best friend from first grade for dinner. Our friendship dwindled during high school and we grew apart. We didn't have a falling out or anything, we just ended up hanging out with different crowds. I am not sure what drew us to become friends initially. Perhaps I just wanted to have a friend who looked like me (she's 3/4 Chinese, 1/4 Native American). I am not sure if we had anything else in common. We always had fun when we hung out though.

As we caught up over dinner, we came to find out that our post-college lives have been quite similar. She served a year with AmeriCorps and she even considered a masters in library science at University of Maryland. Like me, she also considered being a school counselor. She has finally settled on starting her career in the field of social work - a field that I could have seen myself getting suckered into.

It's funny how our paths diverged so much during high school and then so shockingly close in our adult lives. In terms of post-college lives, I'd say none of my friends' lives are as similar to mine (with the exception for my Boston friends). So, perhaps in my early, early years, I was able to pick out like-minded individuals or maybe our childhood inclinations foretell a lot more about our adult personalities and interests than we think.

i've missed blogging and my roomie

Today Jefe mentioned that he had a truck of books about growing marijauna. I commented that my ex-boyfriend would have found that interesting. Then he said so would his ex-wife!!! It was jaw-dropping. I learned more about the ex-wife and the divorce drama today. So very interesting, so glad it's not my life. *whew*

Life is so different now, but also getting back to normal, if that makes sense. Roomie is back from Japan so there is someone else in this space again, which I missed (though I did enjoy the freedom of roaming around naked). It's good to have her back again. In our time apart, we have become altered individuals - her by a new and different culture and me by a new and different relationship. I would like to think that we are more balanced than we were before. We've found a center for ourselves in the post-ballet academy chaos.

We are both starting grad school this week so there is a whole new schedule to work out and roomie bonding time to coordinate. We will have to commence our chatting about life observations (our own lives and the lives others...) There is so much catching up to do, but as for me... I also have sleep to catch up on.

more awkwardness with jefe

So, my boss isn't in the best shape. Ok, he's kind of fat. The weird thing is how he mentions it all the time. He's constantly talking about how he needs to go on a diet or "get rid of this" while gesturing to his spare tire. I think he's a little obsessed with it. "I need to lose this so I can get dates. My friends say that women don't care and that I should lose the weight for myself, but that's my motivation."

So weird. I wonder how he got dates in the first place. He used to be married. So bizarre.

The book I'm currently reading is called The Golden Compass. It has an elaborate web of characters with a lot of underlying motives and schemes. In the dullness of my work environment I've begun to apply some of these traits to the people that I work with. There are the bad guys who mask themselves as nice guys and then the good person who is a martyr that the rest of them plot against. Of course, I'm rooting for the underdog, while having to put on my own mask for the bad guys. Yeah, work is really boring. I can tolerate it for the time being since I know that I will be in school soon (August 29th!!!) and I won't be here forever. At least I hope not!

divas in the moonlight

It's time for Girl Scout Camp again! Things got off to a rocky start because I'm a Bus Monitor for this camp on top of my Unit Leader duties. The bus arrived about an hour late so all my girls were already there waiting for me. I felt awful.

Anyway, my unit color is yellow and the girls decided that we should be "The Stars." I think it's cute.

One little girl in my unit is also a bus rider so she asked to sit with me on the bus. She's the cutest thing, olive skin and curly brown hair.

On the bus, we talked about a number of things, such as the Tooth Fairy and about why eating fruits and vegetables is good for you. She recently received $2 for a tooth. Inflation!!! I don't recall how much I received, but I want to say it was pocket change. Is $2 now pocket change or are little girls' teeth more valuable now than before? Hmm...



Another interesting topic that came up was religion. I'm not sure where it came from, but seemingly out of the blue, she said,

"God made us."

"Oh yeah? What else did he make?"

thinking "He made EVERYTHING."

"Where did you learn that?"

"Nowhere, I just always knowed."

It was pretty darn precious.

She is obviously one of my favorites, though she has some brat tendencies. She likes to take her time finishing things, so someone is always having to stay back with her or the whole group has to wait for her. Such a Diva... My other favorite so far is another little girl named Samantha. I'm not sure why I like her. She has a quiet demeanor, but not out of shyness. I think she is just very observant.

inspector ht

I was wearing purple latex gloves and learning about gaylords.

This is my life.

sticky business

Every summer I inevitably step in gum. It creates a stringy mess and I hate it. Today, I saw that humans are not the only beings susceptible to this predicament. I saw a pigeon with a wad of gum stuck to his foot.

I'm glad I wear shoes.

I found a penis in my water bottle!!!

It was actually just ice in the shape of a penis, but imagine drinking your Dasani and having a penis dead in your face. I wish I took a picture. I am not sure if the ice penis can be recreated, but next time, I'll be more prepared.

In case you were wondering, there were no balls.

i like a little corn in the morning

When I got off the metro today, I saw a girl dressed up as an ear of corn, husks and all. She looked so cheery. There were people around her talking about green energy and trying to hand out things, but I didn't accept any of their pamphlets. Seeing the girl really made my day for some reason and I had to think back to the day that I dressed up like a cow. Oh, Corngirl... I feel your shame.

summer obsession

I love "So You Think You Can Dance!" It has been the highlight of my summer. This season, there is a guy on it who used to go to the ballet academy - Danny. He has amazing technique and is a great dancer to watch, but there is a disconnect. He comes off as very arrogant and I think that this is indicative of how A LOT of the kids at the ballet academy are. Isn't that crazy? Now you have an idea of the attitudes that I had to deal with this past year.

I actually ran into a couple of the boys from the ballet academy a couple days ago while I was coming back from the library (and the liquor store, which they noticed from the brown paper bag I was carrying). Running into them made me a little nostalgic for the kid interaction, but that only lasts about 5 minutes, if that.

Things are going well at the LOC. It's pretty mindless, but I guess it's a good resume builder and I'll have great resources while I'm in grad school. We'll see how the 9-5 works out for me.

awkward...

My new supervisor is recently divorced. Ever since the first day we started work he has informed us of this - how he's billed by his lawyer, how he's 36 and divorced, etc. As if all of that isn't strange on its own, today while we are talking about work emails, he says, "Just type my last name into the send window. Nobody else in the LOC has my last name. Nobody wants my last name."

*crickets*

I don't suppose that's the type of joke you laugh at, huh? Don't worry, I didn't. I just pretended like he didn't say it.

things that make me laugh

- the Honduran souvenir that my mom's friend gave her
- packing my lunch for work
- making corny jokes
- "Lean like a Cholo"

confused

My ever unpredictable life has surprised me once again. Who would have guessed that I would have to put off work for a week in order to help plan a funeral?

Yeah. I really couldn't find a better way to say it. My stepdad passed away and I've been forced to put aside my own selfish plans and wants. I just never anticipated any of this. I guess no one did. Needless to say, it has been an emotional experience. Anger and frustration topped the list, but I think they have subsided. I've more or less come to terms with the whole situation and I'm ready to move forward. After this Saturday, it will be behind me.

Perhaps I will have more on this later when I have further processed. Right now I'd just like to regain a sense of balance and order.

is summer over?

I just finished the final book in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I have had a secret addiction to the lives and adventures of the foursome of girls for almost two years now. I can't believe that it's over. I can't read about Tibby, Bee, Carmen and Lena anymore. The pants are gone, but their friendship lives on, as strong as always. Wow, even I have to marvel at my cheesiness here.

Reading about the importance of friendship always makes me so happy because I can't imagine my life without my friends. It's reassuring to think that you really do have others to lean on, that there are people you can turn to at any hour of the day to share your hopes and disappointments with...

The girls in the Traveling Pants complete each other. Their friendships with one another mold them and in an essence create their identities. I view my friendships in a similar way because I learn so much about myself through my friends. Sometimes I truly feel that I am nothing without them.

The end of the book seems to coincide with the end of my summer, or at least my lazy summer days. I start work on Monday. 9-5 (or something close to it), M-F. I guess it will be good to get some routine back into my life, not that I really have a choice.

New life, new book... what do I read next?

crossing over the nerd threshold

I've always claimed to be a nerd. I could probably go to the bookstore or library every day of the week and never get bored. I enjoy board games and museums (just not art museums). I am going to school to become a librarian, for crying out loud.

Despite all these things, I was never certain that I was a full-fledged nerd. The past few days have confirmed it for me. And the event that solidified all of this was the ALA (American Library Association) Annual Conference. This year it was held in Washington DC, so it was great to be able to just hop on the metro and be surrounded by books, authors, and other people just as enthused as me.

I am so excited to become a librarian. Even though I saw some STRANGE looking people (obese, extremely short, horrendous outfits), I knew that I shared something in common with them and I think that's lovely.

judy blume has magic

Just when I thought my emotions couldn't be stirred any stronger since the movie, in the matter of days, I am sitting in a giant ballroom fighting back tears as I listen to Judy Blume speak. I was overwhelmed with emotions as I drank in each of her anecdotes and absorbed her wisdom. It was amazing to be in the presence of someone who is so accomplished and has such a sense of who she is and a grip on her life's passion.

I am positive that her words touched everyone in the ballroom today. Women of each age, race, and background took something away from her speech.

Listening to her talk has left an impression on me. I wish I had thought to scribble down some of the things she said, but it would have been too much to do that and hold my tears in.

I know for certain that she mentioned the word magic. I am fascinated with that word right now because it's an intangible thing that I want so desperately to feel, to touch, to hold.

She talked about how hard writing is, but I think that pursuing any dream has its own challenges. Facing rejection and criticism is a part of life, but you can't let it break you. I can't articulate the inspiration she bestowed me with today. I just feel so lucky to have been there.

spellbound

I just finished watching a movie that somehow made my heart feel off kilter. I'm not sure how this was accomplished. I didn't relate with the characters nor have I ever encountered circumstances such as those in the movie, yet I found myself swept away.

I almost hate it when I watch movies that impact me so deeply because I can't stop thinking about them and then there are these enormous ideas that possess me. I'm already an idealist and then these fantastic plots manifest themselves to the point that I start to believe that magic does exist.

I don't want to stop believing.

so close, I can taste it, though I'm not sure I'm going to like the taste...

I am on the verge of getting a job at the Library of Congress. I would be a Library Technician and I would be learning tons about different systems in the library and more of the behind the scene stuff that nobody really gets to see. I won't be interacting with many people... I might get lost in the underground tunnels of the LOC (Library of Congress; I'm picking up the jargon already!)...I might not see much sunlight... but these are not the things that I fear.

What I fear is the 9-5. I fear the monotony and the inability to have weekdays to myself. I fear that I won't be able to make my doctor appointments or be able to run my random errands. Who's going to return my library books?! My mornings of leisure will be a thing of the past.

I'll let you know how this works out. I passed up on the New Orleans gig, in case you were wondering.

faces

I just found out some news about someone that I once was close to, if only for a moment in time. It involves drugs, money and the police. I think you get the idea. It's astounding how much a person can hide from other people, the face you choose to show and the facade that you have to keep up.

I had some idea of who and what he really was, but I chose to overlook those things and give him the benefit of the doubt. I questioned his character and I knew that I would ultimately regret any future with him, which is why I'm glad our relationship ended. I can't say I'm shocked at this information, I just can't imagine what circumstances I would have been in if I were still close to him.

unemployed = me

And I couldn't be happier!!! I was let go when I informed my supervisor that I wouldn't be able to attend training. Apparently I was supposed to consider training before making any travel plans for my time off. *shrug* I don't care. I feel so free and I've been doing wonderful things with my time such as applying to other jobs and making banana bread.

this is probably funnier to me because its 4 am...

Coming back from a night out, I was about to get on the elevator in my apartment when I look down and see this...



what the?!?!

I was in a state of utter confusion, which is a state that I am quite familiar with. I then realized that I had put on one of my roommates shoes that she had in her car. Oops... we got a good laugh.

can someone else do it...

I hate making decisions. It isn't really how I anticipated starting my summer. I've been out of work for roughly a week and it has been a lot of fun. I've seen most of my friends, entertained visitors, spied on a blind date, stayed up all night in New York, and then some... Now I am coming off of that whirlwind, letting the excitement simmer down and settle.

I have to start thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my summer, what I am going to do in the fall, and how I will cope financially for the upcoming year. Have I mentioned that roomie is in fact, not moving to New York? HUGE WEIGHT lifted off my shoulders and let's be honest, the ballet academy took too much out of us for us to truly enjoy our wonderful living situation. I am thrilled to continue living with her.

Anyway, in about two weeks, I have to either go back to work at the ballet academy or I can get on a plane and face the unknown of New Orleans (that is, if they want me... I find out next week). The New Orleans AmeriCorps program I applied for is eight weeks, while work at the ballet academy would only be six weeks. I am also taking quite a pay cut and essentially throwing job security for the following year out the window. I don't know how much of a sacrifice that is, considering I don't love working at the ballet academy anyway.

If I do go to New Orleans, I am missing out on a summer with all my nearest and dearest and I will have to find a job upon my return - a job that will pay me at least as much as the ballet academy (which in theory, shouldn't be too difficult to find). Then I start my grad program! New Job? Grad Program? It's a little overwhelming. I am hoping for a grad assistantship so that I can get a break on tuition because I already have loans to deal with. I will only have a few weeks in August to get all that sorted out. If I continue working at the ballet academy, I might just be signing up for another year of misery.

I am not sure what to do because I am not certain whether I am capable of juggling so many things at once. I often need time alone to recharge and work through my mental processes. Who knows if I will have time to do that next year or if it's going to be go-go-go 24/7? I am having one of those moments right now while I'm at my mom's. It's a bit of a retreat because I can avoid reality and responsibility a little bit and watch some MNT soccer. The chaos of this environment gives me a great excuse to be unproductive (and not shower).

I think my mind is already made up. I've discussed with some friends and my mom. So, I guess we just have to see whether AmeriCorps wants me in New Orleans or not. And we have to see if they can give me good terms for my stay there... hmmm... I would ALSO like to find out if I got any of the scholarships that I applied for. That would be a big help. *sigh* When is it all going to fall into place?

a moment with mom

Driving to dim sum with my mom today, we were talking about how my car was running. It's about 15 years old. Only two of its four doors actually open from the inside. There's a dent in the bumper that I put there about ten years ago. The interior of the roof is sagging just a bit. And, the front license plate mysteriously disappeared recently.

Regardless of these things, I enjoy my car, poor brakes, scratched paint and all. It was also the first big purchase that my mom made after she divorced my dad, so I feel like there is some sentimental value there as well, though she was almost going to get rid of it before I came back to Virginia. Anyway, we're on our way to dim sum. Mom is behind the wheel and she says, "You should go on 'Pimp My Ride.'" Such a strange comment for so many reasons.

local celebrity crush

This past Sunday, while out at Lima, I met my local celebrity crush. It was a very minor crush. I know this because I hadn't fully stalked him on the internet until I met him. I spoke to him briefly, but that was about it. I'm not too smooth when it comes to those types of situations. I will have to work on that.

HOW DID I FORGET?!?!?!

I am working my last Saturday overnight shift of the year. I can hardly contain myself! Now I must run home and sleep.

a pity

I don't like pity when it comes to really serious matters. I don't even tell people about some of the more serious issues in my life because I don't want to be consoled, at least I don't think I do. I don't really know how I would want anyone to respond. I am typically not capable of dealing with problems in the moment. It takes solitude and time in order for me to process and I guess I find it easier to make a joke out of some things. But, there are some situations that aren't funny by any stretch of the imagination. Everything always comes to a head and we realize that we don't have all the time in the world.

I downplay any "drama" that has occurred in my life. Nervous laughter is my most common response when people tell me something sad. I feel awkward before I feel sympathetic. I don't even think my means of cheering up is orthodox. I'm an avoider. It's easier to just not say anything because then maybe the problem is not real.

So, yeah... something sort of huge is weighing on me. I feel helpless in the situation and horrible that I am not doing anything proactive about it. It's not on my mind a whole lot, which in itself makes me feel guilty, only every now and then it strikes me and maybe there is a fleeting flash of sadness in my eyes, but I don't dwell on it. If I think about it too long, I am plagued with the "what ifs" and those questions are too hard to answer.

ramblings before bedcheck...

I am currently taking a break from my fries and fried chicken wrap in order to burp and blog. I was eating to the point of asphyxiation when I realized that I have about 6 hours left of my shift. Still have bedcheck to do as well as typing up the daily report.

Hmm... so, what's been going on lately? This week I spent entirely too much time at work, but I don't really have a lot to complain about. Kids are tolerable since performance is coming up and they don't have the energy to fight you on every little thing. The dinner cruise/"prom" was last night, so I got to eat and dance, easily two of my favorite things to do. What I thought was going to be a terrible week actually turned out better than ok. And now there is only one more week of work left!!!

Over the break, we are celebrating roomie's birthday, going to New York for a small CA family reunion, going to visit Fromme in San Diego (solo venture), and redecorating our apartment!

I seem to always be a part of a "we" for some reason. It's been some time since the "we" was actually me and a male and even then I'm not convinced we "we'd" very much. Perhaps I'm just better "we-ing" with friends. I am not sure why I always have one person in my life who morphes into my counterpart. I don't think I am co-dependent, but what other explanation is there?

what's it called when...

you like someone too old for you? Where is the clever term for the opposite of "robbing the cradle?"

Today I realized that I found a kid's dad attractive. When he said my name, I think I swooned just a little. Is that wrong? I'm obviously not trying to get in his pants since he's married and all, just admiring. He's not sexy really, just has this presence. *shrug* Do men get better with age?

"you want the truth?"

Where do we learn how to lie?

It's not something our parents teach us. It's not something we learn in school. There aren't public service announcements. Yet, somewhere along the way, we all acquire the ability to spin the truth or to tell the "little white lie."

This thought came to me today when I thought of how honest children are. My three and a half year old second-cousin came up to me at my cousin's birthday party and said, "I like you. Your dress is pretty." Why is it that this compliment was so much more meaningful coming from a 3 year old than a 30 year old (sorry cuz...)?

The honesty in children is so enlightening. You can trust that they aren't trying to get anything out of you (except maybe a few minutes of bubble wrap-popping fun). They don't have to put on a fake face or have a couple drinks before the truth comes out. They just tell it like it is. And nobody holds it against them. Ahhhh... and is that the answer?

We learn to "refine" the truth or hide certain details to protect ourselves?

I've never been a good liar. I think my M.O. was to not say anything. As a toddler, when my mom asked me if I drank my brother's bottle, I just didn't reply. Not answering was surely better than lying, and perhaps a smidge less incriminating. I may or may not employ the same tactics now. Being honest doesn't always put you high on everyone's favorites list, which might explain some things in my life.

It's weird because we are led to believe that honesty is an admirable trait. Of our forefathers (ok... feel a little awkward calling them that...) we have "Honest Abe" and good old "I cannot tell a lie" Washington. How times have changed. Nobody has such monikers these days, at least nobody I know of. I guess what it comes down to is that some people just don't want to hear the truth.

dispelling the myth

I was given a lot of crap this past Thursday evening because a certain Kor-negro is under the impression that I only like white guys. I've known him for about 4-5 years and in that time I've definitely had an intense flirtation/borderline relationship with one black guy who he knew of, but he seems to ignore that fact. I've also had a crush here and there on other random guys of different ethnicities. This leads me to believe that his gripe is really just a cover-up for his disappointment that I haven't dated an Asian guy.

First of all, the first Asian man ever in my life was a disappointment that caused strife in my childhood. The relationship has been reconciled, but it doesn't change the impression I was left with growing up.

Second, when I liked Asian guys on a more regular basis (middle school?), they didn't seem to like me back.

Third, and probably most importantly and I realize this goes back to my second point ... Asian guys don't like me!!!

Generally, Asian guys like their Asian girls to fit into a specific mold. There are already expectations set in place. I think the typical Asian girl can fall into one of four categories.

1) The Innocent/China Doll - usually petite and always undeniably cute - someone who eminates a certain helplessness

2) The Bitch/Sexpot - beautiful and she knows it - men are her slaves, if you enter into a relationship with her, you can expect to be at her beck and call, she's liable to nag you to death as well.

3) The Submissive - she will cook and clean for you in order to prove her worthiness - she might have a low self-esteem, be very well trained, or have extremely strong ties to tradition

4) The Nerd - she doesn't exude any sexiness - she probably has a body comparable to a wooden plank and though she is nice, there will never be any sexual tension

So, pretty much, if you're not The Innocent, The Bitch or The Submissive, no Asian guy is going to like you. Asian girls have a charm of being coy, quiet and needy that I can't seem to grasp.

The last Asian guy that was in my presence deemed me undateable because despite my exterior (let's just throw in posterior why we're at it... though I guess they aren't exactly highly favored by Asian guys anyway), I have "a lot of mouth." Who me?! I had no idea...

Roomie's brother also commented that in his observation of Asian guys, he has noticed that they go for girls that are reserved and quiet. "HT has an attitude and Asian guys don't like that." So, apparently even non-Asian guys can pick me out as a girl that Asian guys wouldn't like!

Girls like me that don't fit neatly into one of the forementioned categories have to seek guys outside of the race. Perhaps this explains why you so often find Asian women with non-Asian men. I haven't formed a solid theory on "Yellow Fetish" yet, but that's one arena that I would like to stay out of anyway. In conclusion, perhaps it isn't Asian women rejecting Asian men, but Asian men rejecting Asian women.

cultural identity crisis?

"She's just Black."

"Are you kin to Kimora Lee (who is 1/2 Black, and 1/2 Japanese)?"

"Do you wish you were Black?"

These are just a few phrases I've encountered in the past few years. I've never thought of myself as anything besides a little Asian girl, though I realize that I'm not typical by any standard.

My mom dated Black men since she separated from my Taiwanese father. I saw my first tub of hair grease at age 10 and I started using Palmer's cocoa butter around that same time. Perhaps it was this early exposure that has made me so comfortable with Black culture and the Black community. Even though I'm comfortable with it, I know that I don't engage in the same banter nor have the same charms as Black girls, nor do I try to pretend that I do. I like mostly r&b and hip-hop music, but I don't speak in 'ebonics' nor do I wear Baby Phat or Fubu.

I always had friends of different races and ethnicities growing up and there was never any tension in that for me. I can remember holidays in my house spent with not just my family, but with family friends from different countries and of different complexions.

I feel like I have gained some sort of acceptance by Black people, maybe because I have a sense of rhythm and I'm smart enough to not use the 'N-word.' I feel comfortable saying Black instead of 'African-American' because it doesn't sound derogatory to me and I think that making the distinction between an African descendant living in America and a person living in America who is a product of slavery is important.

The other day I was hanging out with a crowd of all Black people and didn't give it a second thought until my friend called me 'Negro' to which I announced to everyone else, 'He called me a negro!' Did he really see me as a negro?! Him, who is half Korean and half Black? It was a comical moment and a realization that everybody there really was a negro except me (or so I thought...). It was amusing. Later on that evening, me and the Kor-negro had to bond as the Asian contingent of our party when everyone else was talking about colonization and color complexes.

Sometimes I feel as if I am better able to fit in with Black people than with Asian people. I have a tendency to hang back in most crowds especially during the first interaction so I don't notice a marked difference in my behavior due to different environments or company. I would hope that both cultures would be accepting of me, but I tend to hang out with more Black people than Asian people. My Asian friends are either in CA or they do not enjoy the same types of activities as I do (namely sweating my face off on the dance floor with or without the help of alcohol).

Being a racial minority is something that I can not hide. It is in my appearance, in my name, and perhaps a lot of my odd behaviors or characteristics are a result of my Asian background and upbringing. I have had (White) friends tell me that they think of me as White and though they might mean it as a compliment or a way of explaining how close they feel to me, I take it as an insult. One of my friends recently said that she was happy that I was "getting into" my culture. I didn't realize that I wasn't into it to begin with. Am I supposed to carry around chopsticks and watch Anime in order to show that I'm Chinese? I'm sorry I don't do kung fu and that my math skills are questionable.

Most of society (ok, most White people) can't understand the struggle that minorities sometimes face. You always feel as if you are a representative for your race. When the Virginia Tech Massacre occurred, I know every Asian nationality group was on edge about what nationality the shooter was. One person can bring shame and embarassment to an entire race. White people don't really have to deal with this dilemma because they are in the majority and simply have to represent themselves as individuals. It is also evident in how they relate with minorities. My non-White friends might not think of me in racial terms all the time, but would never think of me as White, whereas some of my White friends would be quick to lump me into their group in their acceptance of me.

The most recent time that I can recall feeling really uncomfortable about race was when I was in CA. I had met up with some people to watch 'Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic'. In the movie she makes fun of different racial groups. As a Jew, she is part of a minority group, but not necessarily a visually obvious one. Sitting in the theatre, listening to each jab that she took at Blacks, Asians or Hispanics, I wanted to shrivel up and disappear. It became startlingly apparent to me that everyone else in the theatre was White. After the movie, everyone I was with seemed to rave about how funny it was. Hmm... maybe because she didn't make fun of White people. They had no clue of how awkward I felt or how disgusted I was that I had paid money to feel the way I did. Thankfully, those people weren't my close friends, but mere acquaintances. I don't know if I would want friends who thought that movie was funny. Perhaps this will be a part of my "Friendship Test."

Roomie was the one that prompted me to write this blog. I guess it's something that we discuss a lot in our attempt to figure out who we are. Is that weird? Is our roommate relationship turning us into narcissists?! Oh dear... sounds like a potential blog.

excuse me...

Um... ex-boyfriend, why are you texting my best friend at MIDNIGHT?! Get your own friends! Sheesh... What is wrong with you?

I'm remembering that I don't really enjoy the sound of your voice and you mumble. Please leave my friends alone, they think you're an idiot.

heartbreaker?

The promo I worked today required me trying to convince people to allow themselves to be videotaped for a website/commercial/future-television-show. The topic of the video clip was heartbreak. Since this promo wasn't simply about passing out coupons or vitamins, I had to turn on the limited charm I have. Somehow, one of my interactions took a strange turn when I played into this guy's joke about heartbreak. I asked him if he had a story to share and he was like, "Yeah, why didn't you call me?" We joked a little bit and he signed the release form and did a video clip for us. About two hours later, he found me and said, "I forgot something." And when I asked him what he forgot, he said he forgot to get my number.

***Crickets***

Sorry guy. I don't think you're cute. I'm working this promo and I have to be nice to you, but I feel kinda bad...

I didn't say anything.

The silence lasted a little too long and then he finally saved himself with, "I'm just kidding." Whew. I didn't really want to crack his face, but I know I still kinda did. *shrug* What was I supposed to do?

so much to blog, so little time...

This week has been a bit of a whirlwind. Tuesday, I convinced N to buy and wear a fake engagement ring so that we could go to a Bride's Night Out event in which we (D, P, N and I) got to sample food and wine, as well as a chocolate fountain. It was not a bad time and definitely hilarious because N was wearing an $8 "diamond" ring from Claire's. She claimed to have a good time, but who really knows with those pods.

Wednesday, I worked. Thursday I worked a promo at the University of Maryland . The promo only lasted an hour because we were handing out fliers. I was quite proud of myself for navigating my way there, I must say. Later that evening, Roomie and I went to a soccer game. Afterwards we went out to K Street Lounge with some of the guys.

I had a brief and interesting conversation with one of the players because he asked me why I was so picky when it came to guys. I told him that I wasn't necessarily picky, but that guys just don't like me. I believe what I said was, "Have you seen any guys approach me or try to talk to me?" Then I mentioned how guys like girls with problems who are needy. It was refreshing to hear him tell me otherwise. A relief actually.

Today, I worked about fourteen hours straight. It wasn't as bad as it sounds, despite the fact that I only got three hours of sleep. I worked a promo for about 6 hours at University of Maryland, during which I got a lovely sunburn on my nose, and then I worked at the ballet academy.

I felt like luck was on my side today. I parked in a lot that I wasn't supposed to park in while at University of Maryland and didn't get a ticket! YAY! And then when I came home tonight, I was able to find a parking space instead of parking in the Giant parking lot. During my promo today, for some reason Mr. Campbell (our boss) decided that I should get a free webcam. So, now I have a webcam. I made a promise with him to actually use it, so I will try to get on that. Perhaps my diaries will have a new format soon.

does anyone snood anymore?

The latest craze at the ballet academy is... drumroll please... tetris.

Um... yeah... the game I played in ELEMENTARY school. I don't get it. I guess classics never go out of style.

do you think i cracked his face?

Perhaps it's a word to the wise to be nice to your higher ups, but I have never been a very good brown-noser. I don't outrightly challenge authority, however, if I get a sense that they are incapable or have any sort of ego problem, I don't mind posing a challenge.

I do not often mention this supervisor because I only work with him once a week, so for most of the week I forget what a pain in the ass he is. On Fridays when I work in the morning he insists that I carry around a walkie-talkie so that he can order me around. And the retarded thing is, a lot of the time he asks me where I am in the building - like it matters! Hello... just tell me what you want me to do, cut the chit chatter. Anyway, he is annoying and I think he derives some sort of pleasure from being able to tell people what to do.

Yesterday, I was chatting in the teacher's lounge a little bit before my shift. He walks past and sees me in there and tells me to go to the RA Office. Um... hello... my shift doesn't start for another 15 minutes. So, I say, "It's not quite 3 yet." I said it in a nice a cheery tone with a smile on my face until he walked away. Later, when I finally made it to the RA Office, he had nothing to say to me! Further evidence that he just wanted to tell me what to do! Why are people like that? Sheeesh...

He might have a LMS (Little Man Syndrome), which I guess I can't blame him for, but don't take it out on me. Go find some tall woman to be your bitch.

sometimes you forget

I haven't talked to my favorite mentee in awhile. I always love talking to her because there is no awkwardness or falsity in our relationship. I think she is more or less open with me and willing to indulge me by letting me ramble on about whatever it is that I ramble about.

She's only a commuter student though, so she's not always around to keep me from hating this place.

By the way... yesterday I definitely hated the administration more... I think that will be an ongoing trend, but the kids can surprise you.

awestruck

E sent me this passage from a book she just finished reading. I don't think including any of my own personal thoughts could do this excerpt justice. It verbally illustrates the quintessential male/female relationship in a profound and amazing way. And here it is... for my blog audience.

“… There is something mythic in the way a man is with a woman. Our sexuality offers a parable of amazing depth when it comes to being masculine and feminine. The man comes to offer his strength and the woman invites the man into herself, an act that requires courage and vulnerability and selflessness for both of them. Notice first that if the man will not rise to the occasion, nothing will happen. He must move, his strength must swell before he can enter her. But neither will the love consummate unless the woman opens herself in stunning vulnerability. When both are living as they were meant to live, the man enters his woman and offers her his strength. He spills himself there, in her, for her, she draws him in, embraces and enveloped him. When all is over he is spent, but ah, what a sweet death it is.
“And that is how life is created. The beauty of a woman arouses a man to play the man, the strength of a man, offered tenderly to his woman, allows her to be beautiful, it brings life to her and to many. This is far, far more than sex and orgasm. It is a reality that extends to every aspect of our lives. When a man withholds himself from his woman, he leaves her without the life only he can bring. This is never more true than how a man offers- or does not offer – his words. Life and death are in the power of the tongue says proverbs (18:21). She is made for and craves words from him” (185).

severe untreatable cystic acne

I'm having a day of indifference. I'm wondering whether job satisfaction is really that important. As long as I'm able to pay my rent and live each month, perhaps I don't need to be happy with my job. I don't believe its possible that people are always happy with their jobs, maybe I just need to suck it up and be happy as long as each work day ends.

Today, the work irritation wasn't from the kids. It was actually one of my "superiors" who got under my skin. As I as about to leave the RA office she said "Either you need to pull your skirt up or pull your shirt down." It was said in a tone as if she was reprimanding a child! I might have been a little understanding if it had been a repeat offense, but it was the only time she has ever commented on the way I dressed. I was wearing a magenta draw-string linen skirt with a black short sleeved v-neck sweater. At the most there was maybe a half inch sliver of my stomach showing and it's not like it was intentional.

I was so stunned that I couldn't even muster a response. And of course afterwards I'm beating myself up for allowing her to speak to me in that way without any rebuke. She had no right. I HATE this woman. I hope that her daughter has severe untreatable cystic acne just like she did. Only that would make me feel better.

I contemplated just showing up to work naked one day. Unfortunately, I don't think I could even make it out my front door without any clothes on. I also don't really have a desire to be fired at this point, since I don't have a backup plan quite yet.

I think I am going to have to start keeping a tally on who pisses me off more, the kids or administration. Hmm...

the perfect wife

Yesterday, over dinner, Roomie and Kdub discussed "the perfect wife." Though I did not partake in this conversation, I heard bits and pieces of it from both of them. From what I gathered, Kdub's idea of the perfect wife is built upon being a virgin; an uncharted sexual territory. If she marries her current boyfriend, then she will be fulfilling this ideal. I'm not sure what other qualities her perfect wife possesses, but I found it interesting to think of what kind of perfect wife I would like to be.

The first thing that comes to mind is sexy. Perhaps in the way she walks, or the way she talks or just the little things she does when no one is watching. I suppose everyone has a different standard of sexy, but I think Salma Hayek's character in Fools Rush In (one of my favoritest movies) epitomizes it. There is a scene where Matthew Perry is watching her as she makes dinner and he's in awe of her. That's perfect wife material and I'm sure anyone who has seen the movie would agree.

In my opinion, other components of the perfect wife are thoughtfulness, having her own interests and the foresight to plan for the future. Perhaps I'm taking the easy way out in my description of the perfect wife with the potentially ill-conceived notion that I'm already near-perfect. Maybe what I should be including among the "perfect wife" requirements is actually vulnerability and being able to depend on someone else. I know those are things that I struggle with. And in a union, in a partnership, a marriage, there has to be room for that interdependency.

I think that I'm only able to admit that after reading an email that E sent to me.

Sex is easy. I've never had any problems with sex, but love, it seems to allude me. I feel like there is a force field around me that prevents anyone from penetrating my heart. Ugh... how do I fix this?

future installment: the perfect husband

the game of life

On a boring Thursday afternoon this week, I managed to become an entertainer, make a career change to highway patrol (with a fatty raise!), get married, buy a cool condo, have a baby girl, and retire with well over a million dollars. Needless to say, I was a winner.

It was a bit anti-climactic, I guess that's how it is when life is a gameboard.

thoughts on blogging

Not many people read my blog. I mean... I think I can count on one hand the people that actually read it. I'm just glad that someone is reading it, I suppose. I noticed in my last post that I was referring to people in nicknames, kinda. I think this is possibly because one of Froms' (hahaha) students found her blog and BLACKMAILED her with it! Can you believe that? A sixth grader!!! She threatened her saying, "I guess I'll be getting a good grade on the next test." I was in shock. It is still shocking to me! I do not know where kids get this sense of entitlement. Are they modeling after their parents? And if so, how come their parents haven't put them in check?!

Anyway... now that I got that out... I can get back to my thoughts on blogging. I've been reading a couple people's blogs lately. Strangers. *gasp* It was interesting, but what might be the most interesting aspect of it all, is that I feel like I know them. There is so much that you can ascertain about someone from reading about their thoughts. I've actually even passed judgement on them as well!! They've had pictures of themselves in their blogs which of course is necessary to keep my interest. Through reading their blogs, I've decided whether I would like them as people or not. I don't know what to make of this, except for the fact that I have too much free time at work.

It makes me wonder what a stranger could/would gather from my blog. Is my blog a better representation of me than what I present on a daily basis? Is my blog a correct representation of me? Am I a likeable person through my blog? Hmm...

week in summary - the good

I don't know when my week became decidedly "good". Perhaps it was just a blur until Friday. Friday I got to see P for the first time in what seems to be awhile. We had a late dinner/snack at Panache and then stayed there for the rest of the evening. Well, Roomie and I stayed, and P went to Play for Tito's birthday party. I've never met anyone named Tito, I guess I missed my chance.

So, Roomie might have a Chinese boyfriend soon! She intrigued him with her Pocky offering and then impressed him with her Chinese vocabulary. I'm really excited for her and Friday was fun. Panache had an interesting crowd and HT-approved music, not the best, but dance-able. While we were out that night, P ran into one of her friends. Turns out, the friend wanted to get me drinks all night. It was kind of odd, and of course I didn't take full advantage of her offer because I didn't (still don't) even know her name! Her boyfriend was one of two guys which we deemed "the hip hop moguls" because they were wearing track suits and HUGE gold chains. They were all nice, but I think it was apparent that their agenda was just to floss. The DJ never played the current roomie theme song, which we requested continually, but I think we were satisfied, especially since a fight broke out at precisely the minute we were trying to leave.

I was worried that I would be too tired to be hype for the Clipse concert on Saturday night since I had to work from 1-9 that day, but work was pretty good. I took the middle school girls to hang out in Silver Spring. We went to the library for about 10 minutes so that one of them could get some reading material, then we went to Coldstone and enjoyed our ice cream on the huge astroturf lawn. We lounged there for a bit and then headed to Whole Foods for an early dinner. It was a peaceful day and pretty much all I could have asked for in terms of a Saturday afternoon (Ok... I had secretly hoped to go do the paddle boats at the Tidal Basin or visit the National Geographic Museum, but maybe another time...). It was relaxing for all of us, which was important since this girl had a concert to go to and those girls had an upcoming day trip to New York to save their energy for.


Anyway, the concert was a good time. We were standing directly in front of the stage. The Clipse didn't perform all the songs I had hoped for, perhaps next time we will try to make requests? We left about 5 minutes into the Mya performance and met Malice of the Clipse outside. He seemed really nice. He was drinking some hot tea since his voice was almost gone. When we took a picture with him, Kristin was crouching down a little bit and he told her not to, it was slightly embarassing since she was a little taller than him. Meeting him, however brief the interaction was, was definitely the highlight of the evening.

I haven't both weekend nights off since... I can't even remember! I'm glad that I got to enjoy it, although I am tired now. It is beautimous out and I hope that I can get myself together to go to the astroturf lawn and soak in some sunshine. There is another blog formulating in my head that needs to come out. Like my sneezes, my blogs come in threes(es... haha).

week in summary - the bad

Cold pizza, mountain dew, GORGEOUS day, and my ipod in the background. Most definitely the ideal Sunday afternoon. I haven't felt complete enough to blog this past week. I've had so many different thoughts and feelings, but they were/are very fragmented in my head and I didn't want to commit any of that to my blog, until I had a stretch of time to let it all marinate.

Even though I didn't graduate from Tech, I have and always will maintain that I'm a Hokie for life. Monday was an extremely devastating day and this whole week was steeped in heartache. Every time it was on the news, I couldn't look away. The first shooting took place in my freshman dorm and one of the professors that was concerned about his writing, spoke to my freshman English class. The whole thing weighed heavily on me and was always in the back of my mind. The Virginia Tech Massacre - massacre - that is precisely what it was, but for that word to be attached to a place that held so many happy memories, so many traditions and so much pride... It's hard to swallow.

All the problems in the world make me see more and more that I don't want to be wasting my life surrounded my negativity. A lot of kids at work irritate me to no end and I need something more in my life. Monday was all kinds of horrible. The wind was so strong that it took out a lot of power lines and of course those brats just want to make a mockery of everything, without a care for anyone's safety since they are just self-serving idiots. The power actually ended up going out at the school around 8:30, which wasn't actually too bad. We just sent them up to bed early and then sat around in the dark. *shrug*

Monday was a long day and I wanted to start fresh on Tuesday, but Tuesday ended up being almost as bad as Monday. I was so tired and all I really wanted was to go get a free cone at Ben and Jerry's. I didn't end up getting my free cone, so the day was a complete disappointment. I needed to catch up on my sleep, but of course I always have trouble sleeping in, so I have to get up, eat, then go back to bed. Well, my dad kept calling... so finally I had a early dinner with him. Ugh... I just felt pulled in so many directions. I want to be home when I can so I can be there for my mom because I know she is stressed out and emotionally drained. If I didn't have to be at work, I would be home more, but then again, I also have to be in Maryland to be in contact with my dad when he needs me too. My threshold for guilt is so low. I feel like I have to be there for everyone all at once and even when my parents say that they are ok without me there, I can't help but feel like it's not true. :(

There has just been a lot to process lately with all the different things going on. On Monday, I got a call from the doctor telling me that I have high cholesterol and that they found protein in my urine. Of course, I don't really know what any of this means. I looked up some stuff online, but I'm not sure what needs to happen. I'm going back to see the doctor at the end of the month. A fortune teller once told me that I would live into my 90s, so I'm not really that worried, but I guess I wonder how these things may affect my quality of life.

Yeah, so this sums up the thumbs down of my week.

i'm mean...

Last night when I went out, I think at least 5 guys commented on the fact that I was mean. My face can't hide my feelings of disgust when a) I am displeased b) I think something is stupid or c) I am disinterested. I can't help it. I don't even know when I'm making this face, which is unfortunate, because apparently, it's highly offensive! Though, I guess the eyerolls are pretty deliberate. Oops...

Even if a guy can get past the disgusted face... usually I have some sort of mean comment or I make him feel stupid (the only reason I know this is because they tell me), though I suppose sometimes that's the same thing.

Once a guy asked me how old he looked and I said late 20s and then he said he was actually in his mid-30s, to which I replied, "Oh, must be the lighting." I didn't even think it was mean until I had to repeat myself when he couldn't hear me the first time. Sorry guy.

Another time a guy told me that I looked nice and I said, "I know, people have been telling me all night." He left soon after this exchange and I think he might have made a not so pleasant remark as he walked away. *shrug*

I've tried to be nicer. Really. It just hasn't worked yet. Any advice?

just friends

Rejection. It definitely sucks more to be the rejectee than the rejector, but commiserate with me for a minute.

The other day I had to tell a good friend that I did not see anything between us romantically. The whole topic was broached when he said "What if I want to be more than friends?"

***Extreme crickets***

We have been friends for a couple years now and there was a mild infatuation for a short while, but probably only out of boredom or loneliness. I think he was on the rebound and I liked having someone write my philosophy papers. This is some advice he needs to be referred to. Thank Jon's blog.

"becoming a woman's friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. if you haven't gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won't ever get her. she'll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she's having with someone else."

I've seen him try to get flirty here and there and it really hasn't been well-received, rather ignored... It's been a couple days since we've talked and though he said that he's ok with it, I can't help but feel like he is hurt. He handled it really well, but maybe he just needs some time to lick his wounds? He had recently invited me to with him to San Diego to cheer him on/help him out during a marathon, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to go anymore. That would be awkward.

I think sometimes when I'm being the rejector, I can be a little callous, but it's not because I am not considering their feelings. I just don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want anyone to have false hope, because I think that is cruel. I'd rather not sugarcoat because that's just not my style. I'm glad that this recent rejection of sorts was not in person. I'm glad that it was a simple conversation and not some sort of touchy feely come-on. Nobody likes an unwanted advance, especially this girl. I am not going to let you make out with me to spare your feelings (like some girls I know... ahem... hahaha). Isn't it better to get your face cracked verbally than physically?

something new

Seeing an example of a certain extreme can propel you in the opposite direction.

Learning of someone's stubborn and indefensible behavior yesterday made me want to suck up whatever pride or frustration I had and take the necessary action to be a better person. I think we have to take the cues that we are given in life and utilize them to improve ourselves. We have a responsibility to those around us to mature and progress beyond our comfort levels.

I know that some people are more quick to self-evaluate and correct than others. We are not all on the same timeline, but it can become a problem in relationships when someone is stagnant.

I welcome change. I always have. I enjoy having new and different experiences and learning more about my own capabilities; challenging myself, testing my limits. I think my current challenge is actually staying in one place instead of packing up and leaving to a random city. I've already decided to go to University of Maryland, so that commitment is definitely going to keep me here for another year or two. I'm getting to really experience and enjoy DC for the first time as well. I have no complaints for the moment, except for the whole hating work bit, but I know that will change too.

thanks, but no thanks

Is it weird that one of my old (as in we're not friends anymore) best friends gave me a gold heart locket with our pictures in it as a birthday gift? I think that this is an indication of an obsession. I mean, it's ultra-cheesy and a little creepy, wouldn't you say? I don't know what gave her the idea that it was a good gift idea.

Some people are really strange when it comes to showing their feelings. Back in elementary school, Locketgirl and I wrote and signed a friendship contract. I'm pretty sure it was her idea. She was really possessive of me and constantly tried to tell me what to do. Thank goodness we are no longer friends. She's dating an ex of mine now. I hope she's not dating him to feel closer to me. Ewww... I am really disturbed. Did I attract a strange person or did I make her into a strange person through my captivating personality?

dixie cup

I just got back from an afternoon of running errands. Library, blood lab, and Trader Joe's. I dropped off books, did my blood work, peed in a cup, then got some dinner for the evening.

The blood lab was sooooo low-budget. I'm working under the assumption that most places where you give urine samples, they have a box in the bathroom where you put the sample. Here? No box. You know what they gave me to pee in? A dixie cup. So, after I peed into the dixie cup, I had to bring it out to her and set it on the counter. Mildly awkward. I was so glad to get out of there.

bunny is pissed

My mom wanted to put my bunny back in her cage because they are changing the blinds in my room (umm... she broke them... no big surprise, the bunny, not my mom!). For the past two years she has been roaming free in my bedroom.

Anyway, she's back in her cage now and pissed! She's a bunny, you think, how can you tell she's pissed? Right after I put her in her cage, she dug up a sheet of newspaper from the bottom of her cage and covered herself with it. And now, everytime my mom goes to feed her, she does the same thing. My poor angry baby. Usually, she is really sweet and friendly. I guess this shows you how emotional and spoiled animals can be!

can't. stop. blogging.

Last night one of my co-workers, a sweet middle aged woman made a comment that just amused me right now. She was with some of the 6th grade girls in the hallway and they asked if they could go up the boys' stairway. There was the slightest pause and I did not hear my co-worker respond, so I chimed a resounding "no" from the RA office.

Then my co-worker said "Ms. HT has no problem saying no."

It's quite true. "No" was my first word. Probably because I was always doing something bad and had to be stopped. And then my brother came along and of course I had to say it to him too.

And nothing has changed. :)

not done yet...

In the chaos that April has ushered in... I've forgotten to highlight the anniversaries of two pivotal events in my life.

One actually occurred today, two years ago. My grandma died. She was and always will be my soulmate. I wonder how different my life would have been if she had not gone back to Singapore when I was in middle school. I would probably be a much different person.

The other one occurred a year ago in the early morning of April 2nd. I realized the fulfillment of a life fantasy (sorry for being vague, but I know someone knows what I'm talking about)... and I learned that things aren't all they are cracked up to be. Unadulterated idolization from afar does not equal chemistry and I'm ok with that. Oh well...

huh...

I haven't been able to work out lately. Ok, that's a lie, I haven't chosen to work out lately. First, I was sick, then I was just super busy, now... I feel yuck. I'm still trying to recover from my overnight shift. My dad kept calling me while I was trying to sleep this afternoon. Ugh... Anyway, I have to accompany him to the doctor next Tuesday. I hope that nothing is wrong with him, that whatever is bothering him can be taken care of here. If it's too much of an ordeal to treat it here, he will go back to Taiwan.

Today while I was trying to wake up I had a thought that life would be so much better right now if only I didn't have this canker sore in my lip. owww... My breasts are tender to the point of pain and I'm wearing a bra around the house. That is unheard of for me... there really isn't much reason for a girl my size to wear a bra. *sigh*

Not much purpose to this blog... just thought you'd enjoy the update. I'm spending the evening watching Food Network. Emeril just made pho... fascinating. He even had the Sriracha, which I just call the Rooster.

You know they have blogger parties... I find it intriguing. Its nice to be able to put a face with a blog. I don't read many, in fact, I don't read any anonymous (well, anonymous to me...) blogs. Do I need to start attaching a face to my blog? Hmmm...

overnight shift...

hmm... some random thoughts i'd like to get down since i have nothing else to do...

1. i hid easter eggs around school for the easter egg hunt that they are having in the am. i haven't hidden easter eggs since junior or senior year of college. it was only for one person and there were only maybe 6 eggs. hiding eggs is fun, kinda.

2. some of the kids played red rover and duck duck goose earlier tonight - it made me miss the first graders.

3. one of the kids here, probably a secret favorite, asked me about my stepdad and i thought that was really sweet of her. she is probably going to be asked to leave because she has gotten a little chunky. :(

4. i have 7 weeks left of the school year. i get a break for a couple weeks, then start back for summer session. then i'll have all of august off.

5. my roomie is moving to new york in august... so i have to find a new roomie for next year. i only want to live here until i finish grad school, then who knows where i'll go... the land where all kids are nice little first graders that adore me and books?

lately... ok, just this past week

I've felt oddly disengaged from some of my friends. They've talked to me about what I've found to be immensely trivial things while I'm having these life epiphanies left and right and trying to make sense of the big picture. I feel as if some of them haven't really been there for me as of late.

I rationalize my feelings and in an instant, they're gone. Once I'm no longer swept up in them, I no longer feel the need to share them with everyone. I'm not really the type to reach out. I'm almost more comfortable divulging to someone who I don't know as well.

I don't like talking about my feelings. I don't really know how to be emotional, so when I am, it is surreal to me. I almost hate it when it happens because I feel like I have no control. There are just some very glaring triggers that I seem to have and no matter how many times I deal with or discuss some things, I seem incapable of holding myself together. The moments where I display overwhelming emotion are brief and I can probably count on one hand how many people have been witnesses to them.

Among my friends I feel like I am more of the listening ear and the one that they come crying to. Most of the time when I'm dealing with a problem, I will typically deal with it on my own. I don't think my friends are as accessible as I am. I think I make myself pretty available to them.

Anyway, that's not really the point. There is some sort of vulnerability that I feel uncomfortable displaying and maybe I'm ultimately questioning the genuine concern of some of my friends. *shrug*

three words

Three words scrawled on a sheet of paper awoke my consciousness of life and love.

My stepdad is in the hospital with pneumonia and some sort of lung infection. He has a precarious health situation as is, so this is a severe affliction. He has tubes down his throat and all sorts of IVs, machines, and things connected to him. He can't talk, but when he is awake he struggles to communicate with my mom. He asks her about me and my brother and about his condition and even about my bunny.

On this sheet of paper, I saw "Will I be able to walk?" and "Will I be able to talk?" It was jarring to see those questions. It must be something else all together to be the one asking them.

Also on this paper was "Will I live?"

The moment I saw those words, I was plunged into the wrenching depth of love and the potential pain of loss. I can only imagine how my mom reacted to those words when she saw them. My initial reaction would have been to cry uncontrollable heaving sobs, but on second thought I see how stupid that would have been. In this situation, my mom had to have pure optimism, which I'm confident she managed. I guess a part of love is having someone else's pain intertwined with your own and being strong enough to be their lifeline.

Last Day of Camp Diva...

Today was the last day of camp and my first day at work since Sunday morning. I went from my happy fatigue at camp to empty exhaustion at work. I don't have to go straight to bed for my Friday morning shift, so I can finally get out some of the thoughts that my brain has been drowning in.

Working at camp has been such an amazing experience. I'm not sure if I could have lasted longer than a week, but I guess this was a highly unusual week anyway. Camp was constant smiles and every day that I left, I felt fulfilled in a way that I don't know if I have ever felt in my life. Though, I guess it could be because of its contrast against the ballet academy.

No one is going to call me Ms. Nairobi anymore. :( I had those of them that wanted to, write letters to themselves which I will mail to them in 4 years. Only a couple of them did it, but the letters are still so adorable. We also signed our camp t-shirts today, which was also very cute. I loved my little campers so much. They seem to have a blind adoration. I was sitting with them trying to play a card game and even though I didn't really know the rules, they were still happy to play and Amber even told me how much fun it was! They just want to be near you and maybe have their little hands held as you walk. I think that many people would be significantly happier if they had a Lilia, Eleanor, or Khadidiatou in their life.

Why can't I find a full-time job that is this fulfilling? *sigh*

Aria

Today, I had a new little one, Aria. She is hands down the tiniest in the bunch, to the point that she looks malnourished. She was wearing a little halter style sundress and her hair was a tangled mess. There was a quiet sadness about her, a vacancy in her eyes. When I spoke to her, she wouldn't make eye contact, looked down at the ground instead.

I watched her during Music/Dance and noticed how difficult it was for her to pay attention. She was staring in the mirror and switching from covering her left eye to her right eye. This was when I noticed a big bruise on her forehead. I know kids get bumps and bruises all the time, I must have sent at least 5 different girls to the first aide station today, but there was such an unsettling feeling about her.

At snack time, when I was talking to her, I noticed a slight pungency about her, like she hadn't been properly bathed. I also noticed that she finished every bit of her lunch as well as the snack. Her appetite didn't seem to fit her size or stature.

I guess all I can do is keep an eye on her and talk to the camp director when I get the chance. It's difficult to decide what to do in these situations because you never know the outcome. I will hope for the best and not make any assumptions for now.

i love first graders

Day Two of Spring Break Camp and I still love it. I don't know what it is about hearing compliments from first graders. The wonder in their eyes and the bright smiles on their faces get me every time. Seeing Zuva come bounding into the gym this morning, Gianny giving me a hug before she got ready to go on the bus, or just the way they always ask you if they can have permission to do something.

Today, Eleanor said to me during lunch, "You're the best teacher in the whole world." She also told me how great it was for her to be at camp with me, in her own words.

While I was chatting with Lilia, I asked her what she liked most about yesterday and she said "Meeting you." Soooo incredibly adorable. It makes me wonder how it is that I was so fortunate to have such great little campers.

What is it about flattery from first graders? People tell me they like my shoes or that I look nice on any given day (hahaha... no ego problems here), but those are compliments that I rarely reflect on nor genuinely appreciate. There is something magical about their sweet, little scopes of the world that I can't help but love.

i think i need naptime...

First graders are sooooo cute. I only had 14 little girls today and I kind of hope that I don't have any more tomorrow because they are a major handful, a precious handful, but a massive one. We aren't the elephants like I had hoped, instead they are my Little Froggies to match with the green.

If you ever need an ego boost, go to a first grade class. At any given moment, they will make you feel like a million bucks. Eliana told me I was the best teacher she's ever had (granted, as a first grader, how many could she have had?). Eleanor told me I was pretty. Lilia handed me a pepper and a snap pea along with some covered raisins during lunch. You really can't help but love them.

They are the sweetest, even when they don't want to play a game or participate. I'd say I only had one real problem kid today. Taylor - a buck-toothed one who kept saying mean things to her friend. Oh, wait, make that two problems... My aides weren't good aiders. One of them is a know-it-all who tries to control everything (and we know that I am the control freak in most situations), and the other two only helped when they felt like it, which was rare. And then the know-it-all wants to complain to me about the other two. *eyeroll*

I'm tired. Today was exhausting. I don't know how first grade teachers do it. I guess the structure of a classroom, desks, chairs, etc. helps. At camp I'm trying to keep track of my own belongings plus all their lunchbags, jackets, water bottles, etc. And of course the know-it-all aid has to put in her two cents. Just shut up and do what I say!!! Eighth graders... pains in the ass.