cultural identity crisis?

"She's just Black."

"Are you kin to Kimora Lee (who is 1/2 Black, and 1/2 Japanese)?"

"Do you wish you were Black?"

These are just a few phrases I've encountered in the past few years. I've never thought of myself as anything besides a little Asian girl, though I realize that I'm not typical by any standard.

My mom dated Black men since she separated from my Taiwanese father. I saw my first tub of hair grease at age 10 and I started using Palmer's cocoa butter around that same time. Perhaps it was this early exposure that has made me so comfortable with Black culture and the Black community. Even though I'm comfortable with it, I know that I don't engage in the same banter nor have the same charms as Black girls, nor do I try to pretend that I do. I like mostly r&b and hip-hop music, but I don't speak in 'ebonics' nor do I wear Baby Phat or Fubu.

I always had friends of different races and ethnicities growing up and there was never any tension in that for me. I can remember holidays in my house spent with not just my family, but with family friends from different countries and of different complexions.

I feel like I have gained some sort of acceptance by Black people, maybe because I have a sense of rhythm and I'm smart enough to not use the 'N-word.' I feel comfortable saying Black instead of 'African-American' because it doesn't sound derogatory to me and I think that making the distinction between an African descendant living in America and a person living in America who is a product of slavery is important.

The other day I was hanging out with a crowd of all Black people and didn't give it a second thought until my friend called me 'Negro' to which I announced to everyone else, 'He called me a negro!' Did he really see me as a negro?! Him, who is half Korean and half Black? It was a comical moment and a realization that everybody there really was a negro except me (or so I thought...). It was amusing. Later on that evening, me and the Kor-negro had to bond as the Asian contingent of our party when everyone else was talking about colonization and color complexes.

Sometimes I feel as if I am better able to fit in with Black people than with Asian people. I have a tendency to hang back in most crowds especially during the first interaction so I don't notice a marked difference in my behavior due to different environments or company. I would hope that both cultures would be accepting of me, but I tend to hang out with more Black people than Asian people. My Asian friends are either in CA or they do not enjoy the same types of activities as I do (namely sweating my face off on the dance floor with or without the help of alcohol).

Being a racial minority is something that I can not hide. It is in my appearance, in my name, and perhaps a lot of my odd behaviors or characteristics are a result of my Asian background and upbringing. I have had (White) friends tell me that they think of me as White and though they might mean it as a compliment or a way of explaining how close they feel to me, I take it as an insult. One of my friends recently said that she was happy that I was "getting into" my culture. I didn't realize that I wasn't into it to begin with. Am I supposed to carry around chopsticks and watch Anime in order to show that I'm Chinese? I'm sorry I don't do kung fu and that my math skills are questionable.

Most of society (ok, most White people) can't understand the struggle that minorities sometimes face. You always feel as if you are a representative for your race. When the Virginia Tech Massacre occurred, I know every Asian nationality group was on edge about what nationality the shooter was. One person can bring shame and embarassment to an entire race. White people don't really have to deal with this dilemma because they are in the majority and simply have to represent themselves as individuals. It is also evident in how they relate with minorities. My non-White friends might not think of me in racial terms all the time, but would never think of me as White, whereas some of my White friends would be quick to lump me into their group in their acceptance of me.

The most recent time that I can recall feeling really uncomfortable about race was when I was in CA. I had met up with some people to watch 'Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic'. In the movie she makes fun of different racial groups. As a Jew, she is part of a minority group, but not necessarily a visually obvious one. Sitting in the theatre, listening to each jab that she took at Blacks, Asians or Hispanics, I wanted to shrivel up and disappear. It became startlingly apparent to me that everyone else in the theatre was White. After the movie, everyone I was with seemed to rave about how funny it was. Hmm... maybe because she didn't make fun of White people. They had no clue of how awkward I felt or how disgusted I was that I had paid money to feel the way I did. Thankfully, those people weren't my close friends, but mere acquaintances. I don't know if I would want friends who thought that movie was funny. Perhaps this will be a part of my "Friendship Test."

Roomie was the one that prompted me to write this blog. I guess it's something that we discuss a lot in our attempt to figure out who we are. Is that weird? Is our roommate relationship turning us into narcissists?! Oh dear... sounds like a potential blog.