where do broken hearts go?

I found out about a broken engagement yesterday. The couple was one that I knew from the office, and I just so happened to be working the girl's program when it happened. She told us at the final team meeting.

I couldn't believe it. She was two months out from the wedding. It was already all planned and deposits were put down. It made me so sad because she really is such a wonderful girl. I didn't say or do anything to console her yesterday, but this morning we both got to work at the same time. As the elevator doors closed, I looked over at her and tried to make some small talk. She apologized because the tears were already welling up in her eyes. I was able to give her a hug finally and tell her that she's ok. She is ok. She is so strong and I admire her for making it through the weekend.

My heart goes out to her and even though she most likely won't read this blog, I hope that the heart of those reading it will also go out to her.

Go State!

I spent the past few days at one of the company's programs in New York. It was only about 3 and a half days, yet somehow it was enough to make me feel as though I really gave something to those kids. I love working with youth, but I think I had my fill in Boston and San Diego - and especially the ballet academy. Brief stints like the one I just had are enough to fill the void and to feel the joy that comes from leaving that small imprint on their lives and not be desperate to get away from them.

The 24 kids in my group were truly exceptional. I think there are probably a few in every bunch that already had values that I would have found commendable, but each individual in my group of kids made a genuine effort to make the most of their experience, or at the very least, not take away from the experience for anyone else (Henry Booger). I was in awe about some of the insight that they shared or simply how they interacted with others. I found something special in each of them.

I feel like I continue to think about those kids long after they have stopped thinking about me. I always wonder what the future holds for them and for the young leaders I met this past weekend, I will wonder what kind of incredible things they will do in their lives.

I'm almost afraid to work another conference for this program because the kids I had really set my expectations so high. If the next group wasn't like this one, I would be so disappointed. *sigh*

I guess you never know... and maybe sometime soon, it'll be a chance that I'll be willing to take. I'm just glad that my job gives me the opportunity to do that. :)

agreeing to disagree

I don't think it's possible that two people can agree with one another 100% of the time. Relationships, though I would say are built on similarities, are nurtured by the friction of differences. They grow from the challenge of compromising or accepting opposing ideals. Growth comes from opening your mind, heart and life to things that we may not understand or even want to understand. Even when we can't grasp someone else's decisions or actions, if we really value them, we can see the beauty or the authenticity in how they live their life. It is when one person decides to not compromise, not accept, and not understand that a relationship begins to die.

I've witnessed many scenarios of people poo-pooing on others without attempting to understand the other person's lot. I remember when I lived with A and F. F had a real job and made probably close to four times what A and I were making and could clearly spend more freely than A and me. A would comment about F's spending habits and fail to consider how generous F was with us. F is one of the most generous people I know, always giving and generally not asking for much in return. F and A never were very close, nor ever became close even though the three of us shared an apartment for an entire year.

I'm not friends with A anymore and I'm sure that both of us contributed to the death of our relationship. I can remember one evening when I didn't feel like going out to carouse with her and she made a huge fuss over it. When I started dating someone, it caused a rift as well. She wasn't accepting nor understanding of our differences and I think it was partially lack of relationship experience on her part. Because she hadn't had many (any?) romantic relationships, she felt like I was abandoning her when I spent time with my boyfriend at the time.

I know I've caused some relationships to die, some are probably dying as I write this. I think sometimes the tradedy of it all boils down to seeing someone change for the worse, seeing someone discard their values, perhaps seeing someone lose a sense of who they are or who you thought they were. Or maybe they are just coming into their own, becoming the person who they are destined to be, becoming a person whose values are out of sync with your own, ultimately, someone who you can no longer respect.

don't talk to strangers

Today I did something stupid. Coming out of the mall to a dark parking lot, I stopped when a man approached me. He asked me if I was Vietnamese and I told him that I wasn't, then he proceeded to ask me whether I could give him a ride. I should have walked away, instead I started asking him questions like how he got there, where he was going, etc. Yeah, stupid.

Anyway, this entire time, J is on the phone and though I don't have the phone to my ear, I know what he's saying. I know what any person I could have been on the phone with would say. I know what I would say! Yet my naivete and trusting nature was speaking louder and I found myself hanging up on J and letting this man into my car. There are countless scenarios of how things could have ended up. I'll spare you the suspense. I dropped the man off within walking distance to a bus stop going where he needed to go. The End.

The whole situation left me so torn though. Strangers have done nice things for me before, just a few months ago a man stopped and helped me change my flat tire on the side of 495. So, shouldn't I try to help people as well? I guess being a woman forces you to be much more wary of danger. I certainly wouldn't want any of my female friends or family to give a ride to a stranger. Anything could happen. People prey on the kindness of strangers.

I don't know why I let the man in my car. A part of me felt like I was the only person who was willing to help him. Yeah, stupid.

birthday blah...

I love my birthday. I don't understand why everyone doesn't love celebrating their birthday as much as I do. It's a day (week or month, even!!!) to celebrate yourself! My birthday has always been a big to-do for me. I had my first birthday in Singapore and can remember years that I had parties at Chuck E. Cheese, always eating one of my favorite meals, and fancy cakes for as long as I can remember.

For my ninth birthday, I decided it wasn't fair that I couldn't have a pool party, so I had people come over to my house in their bathing suits - yes, in FEBRUARY! I was a crazy, crazy kid and I guess my mom decided not to fight the battle against that bright idea. I received two or three New Kids on the Block dolls that year.

The year after that, I got my first hamster! It was probably one of the most exciting surprises to come home and find a hamster cage sitting in the living room. I was however, less than enthused with the rip-off "Margie" doll I received from an aunt later that evening.

Anyway, as I've gotten older, birthdays have become a time to gather with my closest friends. And though they don't all like each other (no exclusive SATC crew here), it's a time when none of that matters and they just want to eat, drink and be merry with me. I'd like to think they enjoy the antics of drunk HT.

On my birthday this year, I went to lunch with co-workers and then had dinner with J, who flew in for the weekend. It was all in all a good day and I had high expectations for the weekend, mainly for Friday, a day that I had planned almost hour by hour.

The activities that I had planned for the day were scrapped because the recruiting event that I was at ran a little longer than anticipated, my feet hurt, and it was a bit blusterier than anticipated (I got to do them on Sunday, though!). I still held high hopes for dinner. I wanted to try a new restaurant in DC. When dinner plans kind of fell through, J decided to get in contact with his friends and make new dinner plans since he doesn't see his friends in DC that often. With dinner plans scrapped, somehow, there was a miscommunication and post-dinner plans were taken off the plate too. I don't want to go into detail about what was done instead because that might worthy of another blog, but I'll just say, it wasn't fun.

Well, my official "birthday party" is this Saturday so I just hope that this event will be better than what ensued last Friday. Plans include Roy Roger's fried chicken and karaoke. A few of my closest friends can't make it, so I'm a little disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. We just won't be friends anymore. Hahaha... just kidding!

So yeah, birthdays = big deal. Don't forget it!

Getting Old...

Some of you may know that I had a birthday recently, but the passing of my youth actually became aware to me through an incident the day before my birthday. It was a lovely, sunshiney Wednesday, so I decided to take advantage of the warm weather and go rollerblading. I haven't rollerbladed in a long time, over a year even. Though, I was a bit unsteady at first, I thought nothing of it since I had just recently been ice-skating without injury. I rollerbladed down the street and steadily picked up speed. And more speed. More speed than I could handle. Who knew there was such a decline on this street? Certainly not the girl who's only been living here for a week and a half! Without properly thinking out a course of action, I did a weird turn and threw myself onto the ground. The momentum got the best of me and I scraped off a good chunk of my knee. And on top of that, I got a hole in my favorite workout pants and a lovely scrape on my elbow as well.

My wounds are still healing and every time I bend my knee or elbow, they open up just a little. I don't know when I'll build up the courage to go rollerblading again - I guess when I find somewhere REALLY, REALLY flat or until I find my elbow and knee pads. *tear* "Safety, first." That'll be my old woman mantra.

Final Fete

We are having the last get together in the apartment today in celebration of Chinese New Year.

I have neglected to mention that Mr. Fish has passed. I found him floating in his bowl on the day that our new President was sworn into office. I think he knew that his time in 8107 was going to end and couldn't dream of living elsewhere. He lived a good two+ years. He was a resilient fish. He will be missed.

purge

I've been having lots of random thoughts and feelings lately. I seem to be floating in a gray cloud. The Inauguration has come and gone. It wasn't the moment that I expected it to be because I was "posting" at a museum. I should have bucked the rules a little just once (ok, maybe I've already done that here and there) and made my way to the Capitol where the man that has restored hope and pride in our Nation took his oath. I poured over the online videos of it, so I will just try to form it in my memory as being there. The rest of the day... I will try my hardest to forget.

The time for me to move is drawing closer and closer. I have about a week left in this apartment and it's making me sad. There are things I won't miss like driving around desperately looking for a parking space. Other things aren't coming to mind at the moment, except for the CVS. I HATE my CVS. Good riddance. I will miss my Giant though and I'll miss being able to walk to a bunch of different places like Asian Bistro, Cubano's, AFI, Borders, DSW, etc. I don't know why the distance between here and Centreville seems so great. I know it really isn't, but I feel like it will be a different world. At least I'll be able to go to Wal-Mart and always have a parking space. And I'm looking forward to living with E - something we had talked about since high school!!!

I went to hip hop class with my brother for the second time today. It was a lot of fun and I really do like spending time with him. He's a really good-natured person. He will watch me dance and try to give me pointers and he's just so nice to everyone and at ease with himself - these are things that I should definitely learn from him. He doesn't know it yet, but after I move, I will still go to Thursday hip hop class with him and then just spend the night at his place. There is something that is so simple and normal about spending time with your siblings. I wonder how long we could hang out before we started fighting like we did as kids.

Inauguration 2009

Today is the eve of the Presidential Inauguration. It's a crazy time in DC and there are about a million and one events going on. I feel like I'm much too tired or stressed out to actually enjoy any of it and I'm also sad that I can't participate in all the activities. Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to hear General Colin Powell and Archbishop Desmond Tutu speak (work perk). There are other speaking events that I have missed and volunteer opportunities that I can't help with. I just want this time to stay with me. It is a time of celebration and I don't want it to pass me by without savoring the emotion of it. I feel so bogged down with the logistics of it all - buying snacks for the big day, where to use the bathroom, how to get there, how to get back... I just want to get in the right frame of mine to enjoy it all. Less than 24 hours to go!!!

Single Wannabe

I have found that in some recent social situations, I've been reluctant to admit that I'm in a relationship. It's not about wanting to cheat on J or having guys hit on me, but I think it's more about fitting in or being perceived as "fun" or "interesting." People in relationships have this stigma upon them of being lame, dull, boring and the list goes on. People that are single, who have dating drama or who are "so over dating" are more interesting to talk to because their lives are a lot less predictable and they most likely have a juicy breakup story in the bag. Nobody cares about the old, married couple who has fights about socks and dirty dishes.

Singles hang out with other singles and couples tend to hang out in couples. As much as I despise this perpetual trend, it is a reality. If you're in a relationship and you hang out with a bunch of people that are not in relationships or pretending not to be in relationships, there is this feeling of not wanting to be outed because of the exclusion or attention that comes with it. Once you tell people that you're in a relationship, it seems to be all they want to know about or they lose interest in you all together. The range of your topics of conversation shrinks drastically and though you don't mind talking about your significant other, you also miss just being an independent entity with more intriguing aspects to your life than a relationship.

On a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, Robin became friends with a group of single girls and Lily felt left out because she's married. Groups of single people do not want to hang out with people that aren't single because they might have different going out objectives or singles assume that the attached would rather be at home in their pod.

Through my thoughts about this topic, a google search turned up this article. It gave me some reassurance that my feelings are common for others and perhaps a function of society and that it doesn't have any negative bearing on my feelings for J.

So, what do you think? Is it ok to avoid admitting relationship status so as not to be relegated to the default relationship conversation and stigma?

All Bunnies go to Heaven

Bunny Boston died on Monday.

I am at my mom's now and I can't bring myself to go into my old bedroom, the room that Boston has spent more time in than me. She was a sweet and incredibly adorable bunny who loved to be loved. There used to be a toddler gate at the door of my room. It's not there anymore.

My mom called me on Monday night while I was in the grocery store in front of the hot dog section. I couldn't really believe it. I went numb. I remember saying to my mom, "I don't want to talk about it," to which she replied, "I saw her die!" And I could hear her sobs through my telephone.

I am sad that I wasn't a better owner for her, that I wasn't around more to look after her. I should have tried to make her life better than it was. Being the caretaker for a living, breathing thing is such a precious responsibility and it pains me to think that I didn't do the best job I could.

My only comfort is that Boston is in Bunny Heaven now, being loved by God and her other bunny friends.

a little man after my own heart

I met the cutest little 4 year-old yesterday. He is half Chinese and half Black and 100% adorable. We sat across from each other at dinner and we had stimulating conversation about his favorite animal (octopus) and even the election. He "voted" for Obama, of course, and he was delighted about this fact, saying "We both voted for Obama!" So glad to know that our political views are aligned.

As we were leaving the restaurant, he reached for my hand. A little while after he gave me his address and told me to come see him in San Diego. So sweet. Cute kids are so enchanting. :)

Past Lives

E has been talking a lot about this lately and the thought of it has been brought to the forefront of my mind. Now, whenever something I have any interaction with a person, I wonder what role they might have played in a past life.

I wonder if I was connected to any of my friends in a past life and whether that has any bearing on our relationship now. If I had to think of anyone who might have been my sister in a past life, I would think P. I can remember when we first became friends that we had a bit of a breakdown together about our parents' divorces. Hers was more recent and mine was perhaps suppressed or never adequately emoted over. I think we tend to butt heads like sisters might and are aware of what makes the other tick, though she probably gets under my skin and pushes my buttons more than I do to her. Sometimes, I think there is a lack of understanding of one another's choices or ideals, but our friendship still perseveres and I genuinely care about her.

If souls come back to live in new people, interacting with the same set of souls, I wonder how often it is that a completely new soul connection is born.

E is reading a book about all that right now and nothing could ever tell me that any of the past life stuff is true, but it is interesting to think about.

I had a thought today about the human condition (whatever that means...). All the emotions, relationships, struggles, etc. that people experience are not new. They have happened in generations before us and they happen among different groups of people all around us and will continue to happen. It's the individuals that make the situations unique, as they are resolved in so many different ways. And really, no one is to say whether they are right or wrong. We can only share what we have gained from our personal experiences, and not expect the mistakes we've made to be repeated (though they sometimes are).

In November...

November is shaping up to be a superb month. Barack Obama was elected president of the United States and I got a full-time job at the company. The benefits there are pretty spectacular - 24 vacation days, health insurance, dental insurance, 401k, profit-sharing, and more. It's just a great company to work for. I get a daily snack time and there are usually at least 1 or 2 office treats weekly. And there is even an on-site workout facility, which I should start visiting. The people there are pretty cool as well. I'm glad that D helped me get my foot in the door there. Thanks!!!

I started back up with scrapbooking yesterday evening. It was nice to focus some energy on it again. I've been slacking off from it for a number of reasons. I think I will either start a new scrapbook at the end of this year or put scrapbooking on an indefinite hiatus. Someone mentioned that they think scrapbooking is a big part of who I am - that I'm a keeper of memories, if you will. It never struck me that not everyone was the same way. I write in a diary, I scrapbook, I blog. I'm not really sure why I keep these records of my life. I think both my parents kept a record through photographs and my closest cousin also kept a diary, blogs and scrapbooks, so perhaps it's in my genes.

As much as I hate to admit it, all of the record-keeping almost ground to a complete halt once I was a few months into J's deployment. I think my scrapbook inspiration went into putting together packages for him or simply being available for his phone calls. Then the summer program that I worked started and I didn't have a life any longer. In August, I had to get my life back in order and I guess I'm trying to maintain/enhance it at this point.

Learn to save money

I'm on a money-saving kick, so no eating out, no shopping. I walked to the library today and checked out books and dvds for entertainment. Yeah, no one said saving money is sexy (though I do think it kind of turns me on). Now that I don't have to pay for my own health insurance, I can put more money towards my student loans. I've been reading this blog and using this tool (which I'm OBSESSED WITH!!!)

So, November has been wonderful and it will be undoubtedly even better with a visit from D in a week or so and J's return before Thanksgiving.

lady at Giant

So, I'm not sure how I've ended up in the same woman's check out line twice in a row, but it happened. This woman has a way of making me feel so excluded for not being Black. And I don't know for certain if she does it on purpose or not. I don't think I've ever done anything to offend her. It's a bit inexplicable.

Anyway, the first time I was in her checkout line, she kept calling the Black man in front of me, "my brother." After everything she said to him, she ended it with that phrase. I found it odd. And today, she was talking to either the bag girl or the man in line after me about the election and how she is going to frame her copy of the paper. I said I was planning to do the same. I think she sort of blew me off, until she saw that I had a copy of the paper sitting in my cart.

Yeah... so it's weird. I can either go back to her checkout line to find out for certain or just avoid her all together. We'll see what happens.

YES WE DID!!!

I have no words to express how incredible I feel about the election of Barack Obama. Barack Obama has brought hope and pride back into the hearts of many Americans. I will never forget the moment that his presidential victory was sealed. There is so much to speculate in terms of what the next four years will bring, but I'm relishing the inspiration that is Barack Obama. I hope others will be buoyed by that same inspiration to be better citizens and to do whatever they can to serve this country.

Election Day

I just got back from voting. I woke up around 5 this morning, got dressed and walked over to the polls. There is an indescribable exhilaration about today. One woman in line said that last night was like the night before Christmas!

There has been a huge emotional build-up with this election. I never thought I would feel so invested and connected to a presidential race. Today is monumental... It's a day that I imagine recounting again and again. I almost feel the need to pinch myself! Now, I have to go to work!

Flashing... lights

So, I have now received tickets from DC, Maryland, and Virginia. I've received about a handful of tickets (in the three short years that I've been driving... I guess I'm catching up), but I've only been pulled over twice (darn those traffic cameras). The first time, the officer let me go with no ticket, but yesterday, I wasn't so lucky. I don't even want to go into detail about what I did wrong. Getting pulled over just makes me feel stupid. It's someone calling you out on your mistake AND you have to pay for it. No good.

I just found out that the fine is $30 with a $62 processing fee. I find it rather ridiculous, considering that DRINKING AND DRIVING is a fine of $35 with a $72 processing fee. Next time, I'll just booze it up in the car!

All my run-ins with the law have involved cars, so it makes sense why I took so long getting my license! I should just be a pedestrian.

I love NKOTB!!!

I just got back from screaming my face off for 2 hours straight. I was at a New Kids on the Block concert! Yes, their reunion tour. And it was incredible!!!

I found the posting on craigslist on Monday, picked up the tickets on Tuesday. The tickets were only $44 and they were great seats. Sadly, my pics are still blurry because I couldn't hold my hands steady enough to take decent photos (and I probably need a new camera soon), but N has better pics!

They still have the moves. They still know how to work the crowd. And I think their bodies are even better NOW than they were 15 years ago (If you're reading this J, I expect your body to be just as good when you're pushing 40). Jordan had his solo moment with a button down shirt that was being blown open by a fan. You would not believe his pecs and abs. Danny even breakdanced! They sang every song that you could have wanted them to sing and a few new songs that make me want to go out and buy their latest cd. They were and apparently, always will be the most important musical artists of my life. They were my first celebrity crush/obsessions and I think my last (That's right, Chris Brown... your song lyrics will never be infused into my soul).

Their last tour was when I was 11, so I never got a chance to attend on as a kid. It was a first for both N and I, so I'm glad we got to share our childhood fulfillment with one another. Right when we stepped off the metro at the Verizon Center, I wanted to start screaming. There was such a rush of excitment all around us. It was a highly satisfactory event that I would gladly relive.

Jon sported an Obama t-shirt during one of the sets. I'm so proud that they're still "Hangin' Tough".

weekend

F was in town this weekend and as we were hanging out in her lovely hotel room, I realized that there is an ease and comfort in our relationship that I think only comes from living with someone. She was sitting at the desk pretending to do work (she was actually playing wordtwist..) and I was channel-surfing. I eventually went over to the desk in order to partake in the word twisting, but as I was laying there and enjoying the doing nothingness of our time together, I had a sense of appreciation. I appreciated that we could just be - no unnecessary or awkward chatter, just comfortable silence.

Somehow, each night before falling asleep, we would chat almost endlessly. It was nice, familiar. I'm glad that F and I can still have these times together where we aren't bound by obligations or the wants of others, where we can just hang out and enjoy each other's company because we do know each other so well. Yeah... it was nice. It made me think of other times when we were able to do that back in Boston or San Diego (or LA or San Fran).

There is a closeness that comes from having that one fulfilling conversation about nothing before bed where you're able to allow your thoughts to dissolve and you can melt into your dreams. Ahh... the simplicity. :)