Single Wannabe

I have found that in some recent social situations, I've been reluctant to admit that I'm in a relationship. It's not about wanting to cheat on J or having guys hit on me, but I think it's more about fitting in or being perceived as "fun" or "interesting." People in relationships have this stigma upon them of being lame, dull, boring and the list goes on. People that are single, who have dating drama or who are "so over dating" are more interesting to talk to because their lives are a lot less predictable and they most likely have a juicy breakup story in the bag. Nobody cares about the old, married couple who has fights about socks and dirty dishes.

Singles hang out with other singles and couples tend to hang out in couples. As much as I despise this perpetual trend, it is a reality. If you're in a relationship and you hang out with a bunch of people that are not in relationships or pretending not to be in relationships, there is this feeling of not wanting to be outed because of the exclusion or attention that comes with it. Once you tell people that you're in a relationship, it seems to be all they want to know about or they lose interest in you all together. The range of your topics of conversation shrinks drastically and though you don't mind talking about your significant other, you also miss just being an independent entity with more intriguing aspects to your life than a relationship.

On a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, Robin became friends with a group of single girls and Lily felt left out because she's married. Groups of single people do not want to hang out with people that aren't single because they might have different going out objectives or singles assume that the attached would rather be at home in their pod.

Through my thoughts about this topic, a google search turned up this article. It gave me some reassurance that my feelings are common for others and perhaps a function of society and that it doesn't have any negative bearing on my feelings for J.

So, what do you think? Is it ok to avoid admitting relationship status so as not to be relegated to the default relationship conversation and stigma?

All Bunnies go to Heaven

Bunny Boston died on Monday.

I am at my mom's now and I can't bring myself to go into my old bedroom, the room that Boston has spent more time in than me. She was a sweet and incredibly adorable bunny who loved to be loved. There used to be a toddler gate at the door of my room. It's not there anymore.

My mom called me on Monday night while I was in the grocery store in front of the hot dog section. I couldn't really believe it. I went numb. I remember saying to my mom, "I don't want to talk about it," to which she replied, "I saw her die!" And I could hear her sobs through my telephone.

I am sad that I wasn't a better owner for her, that I wasn't around more to look after her. I should have tried to make her life better than it was. Being the caretaker for a living, breathing thing is such a precious responsibility and it pains me to think that I didn't do the best job I could.

My only comfort is that Boston is in Bunny Heaven now, being loved by God and her other bunny friends.

a little man after my own heart

I met the cutest little 4 year-old yesterday. He is half Chinese and half Black and 100% adorable. We sat across from each other at dinner and we had stimulating conversation about his favorite animal (octopus) and even the election. He "voted" for Obama, of course, and he was delighted about this fact, saying "We both voted for Obama!" So glad to know that our political views are aligned.

As we were leaving the restaurant, he reached for my hand. A little while after he gave me his address and told me to come see him in San Diego. So sweet. Cute kids are so enchanting. :)

Past Lives

E has been talking a lot about this lately and the thought of it has been brought to the forefront of my mind. Now, whenever something I have any interaction with a person, I wonder what role they might have played in a past life.

I wonder if I was connected to any of my friends in a past life and whether that has any bearing on our relationship now. If I had to think of anyone who might have been my sister in a past life, I would think P. I can remember when we first became friends that we had a bit of a breakdown together about our parents' divorces. Hers was more recent and mine was perhaps suppressed or never adequately emoted over. I think we tend to butt heads like sisters might and are aware of what makes the other tick, though she probably gets under my skin and pushes my buttons more than I do to her. Sometimes, I think there is a lack of understanding of one another's choices or ideals, but our friendship still perseveres and I genuinely care about her.

If souls come back to live in new people, interacting with the same set of souls, I wonder how often it is that a completely new soul connection is born.

E is reading a book about all that right now and nothing could ever tell me that any of the past life stuff is true, but it is interesting to think about.

I had a thought today about the human condition (whatever that means...). All the emotions, relationships, struggles, etc. that people experience are not new. They have happened in generations before us and they happen among different groups of people all around us and will continue to happen. It's the individuals that make the situations unique, as they are resolved in so many different ways. And really, no one is to say whether they are right or wrong. We can only share what we have gained from our personal experiences, and not expect the mistakes we've made to be repeated (though they sometimes are).

In November...

November is shaping up to be a superb month. Barack Obama was elected president of the United States and I got a full-time job at the company. The benefits there are pretty spectacular - 24 vacation days, health insurance, dental insurance, 401k, profit-sharing, and more. It's just a great company to work for. I get a daily snack time and there are usually at least 1 or 2 office treats weekly. And there is even an on-site workout facility, which I should start visiting. The people there are pretty cool as well. I'm glad that D helped me get my foot in the door there. Thanks!!!

I started back up with scrapbooking yesterday evening. It was nice to focus some energy on it again. I've been slacking off from it for a number of reasons. I think I will either start a new scrapbook at the end of this year or put scrapbooking on an indefinite hiatus. Someone mentioned that they think scrapbooking is a big part of who I am - that I'm a keeper of memories, if you will. It never struck me that not everyone was the same way. I write in a diary, I scrapbook, I blog. I'm not really sure why I keep these records of my life. I think both my parents kept a record through photographs and my closest cousin also kept a diary, blogs and scrapbooks, so perhaps it's in my genes.

As much as I hate to admit it, all of the record-keeping almost ground to a complete halt once I was a few months into J's deployment. I think my scrapbook inspiration went into putting together packages for him or simply being available for his phone calls. Then the summer program that I worked started and I didn't have a life any longer. In August, I had to get my life back in order and I guess I'm trying to maintain/enhance it at this point.

Learn to save money

I'm on a money-saving kick, so no eating out, no shopping. I walked to the library today and checked out books and dvds for entertainment. Yeah, no one said saving money is sexy (though I do think it kind of turns me on). Now that I don't have to pay for my own health insurance, I can put more money towards my student loans. I've been reading this blog and using this tool (which I'm OBSESSED WITH!!!)

So, November has been wonderful and it will be undoubtedly even better with a visit from D in a week or so and J's return before Thanksgiving.

lady at Giant

So, I'm not sure how I've ended up in the same woman's check out line twice in a row, but it happened. This woman has a way of making me feel so excluded for not being Black. And I don't know for certain if she does it on purpose or not. I don't think I've ever done anything to offend her. It's a bit inexplicable.

Anyway, the first time I was in her checkout line, she kept calling the Black man in front of me, "my brother." After everything she said to him, she ended it with that phrase. I found it odd. And today, she was talking to either the bag girl or the man in line after me about the election and how she is going to frame her copy of the paper. I said I was planning to do the same. I think she sort of blew me off, until she saw that I had a copy of the paper sitting in my cart.

Yeah... so it's weird. I can either go back to her checkout line to find out for certain or just avoid her all together. We'll see what happens.

YES WE DID!!!

I have no words to express how incredible I feel about the election of Barack Obama. Barack Obama has brought hope and pride back into the hearts of many Americans. I will never forget the moment that his presidential victory was sealed. There is so much to speculate in terms of what the next four years will bring, but I'm relishing the inspiration that is Barack Obama. I hope others will be buoyed by that same inspiration to be better citizens and to do whatever they can to serve this country.

Election Day

I just got back from voting. I woke up around 5 this morning, got dressed and walked over to the polls. There is an indescribable exhilaration about today. One woman in line said that last night was like the night before Christmas!

There has been a huge emotional build-up with this election. I never thought I would feel so invested and connected to a presidential race. Today is monumental... It's a day that I imagine recounting again and again. I almost feel the need to pinch myself! Now, I have to go to work!

Flashing... lights

So, I have now received tickets from DC, Maryland, and Virginia. I've received about a handful of tickets (in the three short years that I've been driving... I guess I'm catching up), but I've only been pulled over twice (darn those traffic cameras). The first time, the officer let me go with no ticket, but yesterday, I wasn't so lucky. I don't even want to go into detail about what I did wrong. Getting pulled over just makes me feel stupid. It's someone calling you out on your mistake AND you have to pay for it. No good.

I just found out that the fine is $30 with a $62 processing fee. I find it rather ridiculous, considering that DRINKING AND DRIVING is a fine of $35 with a $72 processing fee. Next time, I'll just booze it up in the car!

All my run-ins with the law have involved cars, so it makes sense why I took so long getting my license! I should just be a pedestrian.

I love NKOTB!!!

I just got back from screaming my face off for 2 hours straight. I was at a New Kids on the Block concert! Yes, their reunion tour. And it was incredible!!!

I found the posting on craigslist on Monday, picked up the tickets on Tuesday. The tickets were only $44 and they were great seats. Sadly, my pics are still blurry because I couldn't hold my hands steady enough to take decent photos (and I probably need a new camera soon), but N has better pics!

They still have the moves. They still know how to work the crowd. And I think their bodies are even better NOW than they were 15 years ago (If you're reading this J, I expect your body to be just as good when you're pushing 40). Jordan had his solo moment with a button down shirt that was being blown open by a fan. You would not believe his pecs and abs. Danny even breakdanced! They sang every song that you could have wanted them to sing and a few new songs that make me want to go out and buy their latest cd. They were and apparently, always will be the most important musical artists of my life. They were my first celebrity crush/obsessions and I think my last (That's right, Chris Brown... your song lyrics will never be infused into my soul).

Their last tour was when I was 11, so I never got a chance to attend on as a kid. It was a first for both N and I, so I'm glad we got to share our childhood fulfillment with one another. Right when we stepped off the metro at the Verizon Center, I wanted to start screaming. There was such a rush of excitment all around us. It was a highly satisfactory event that I would gladly relive.

Jon sported an Obama t-shirt during one of the sets. I'm so proud that they're still "Hangin' Tough".

weekend

F was in town this weekend and as we were hanging out in her lovely hotel room, I realized that there is an ease and comfort in our relationship that I think only comes from living with someone. She was sitting at the desk pretending to do work (she was actually playing wordtwist..) and I was channel-surfing. I eventually went over to the desk in order to partake in the word twisting, but as I was laying there and enjoying the doing nothingness of our time together, I had a sense of appreciation. I appreciated that we could just be - no unnecessary or awkward chatter, just comfortable silence.

Somehow, each night before falling asleep, we would chat almost endlessly. It was nice, familiar. I'm glad that F and I can still have these times together where we aren't bound by obligations or the wants of others, where we can just hang out and enjoy each other's company because we do know each other so well. Yeah... it was nice. It made me think of other times when we were able to do that back in Boston or San Diego (or LA or San Fran).

There is a closeness that comes from having that one fulfilling conversation about nothing before bed where you're able to allow your thoughts to dissolve and you can melt into your dreams. Ahh... the simplicity. :)

black and blue

In the past few weeks I've been on a 20 foot high trapeze and a 30 foot high ropes course. Hanging in mid-air (well-harnessed, of course) using only momentum and the pithy amount of strength I can muster up, I've come away from both experiences unscathed and maybe even a little impressed at my courageous feats. I've learned to trust the strength of the wires or ropes that hold me and have faith that if I do slip or when I fall, there is something to keep me from plummeting to my demise or you know, breaking an arm.

Over the weekend I was staying at the Ritz-Carlton in DC with F because she has law firm interviews. As I was getting into bed, I slammed my knee into the nightstand. Oh, the pain... I should probably consider wearing a harness on a daily basis because apparently I am too reckless with my body.

realization

I think it's finally hitting me that my roommate is leaving the country. It's a new phase in her life and the part that was ours is ending. Our living arrangement has been the longest commitment (of any sort) that I've kept in the past decade - two months shy of two years. I guess this summer has weaned us off each other a bit because she was never home and I took up brief residence at the 4H. I'm just now settling back into my normal life of seeing friends and having time to do the things I want to do and I guess catching up with my thoughts and emotions.

I've been telling myself and others that she's moving to Paris, but I am only now feeling the sadness in it, the sadness in her leaving. It's by no means an end to our friendship, but one has to admit that something is lost when proximity is no longer a binding element. I know life as I knew it at 8107 had to end eventually, but I didn't think it would be this hard to swallow.

When I left San Diego, it wasn't difficult to come home. I knew that I would see A and that I would always be able to talk to F. I think after San Diego, i was just ready to be home close to my friends and family and to indulge in things that adults should have, like... their own bedroom (I had to share in both Boston and San Diego) and perhaps a job that actually paid versus living off a stipend.

I'm going to miss having roomie around to vent to or to share life's tidbits - you know, those ridiculously minute details that strike you as absurd or funny that no one else would care about if they weren't fully integrated into your daily life. Things just won't be the same, but I guess there is no adventure in that. Looks like it's time to start planning a trip to Paris!

naked

I've been out of touch with the real world for awhile, though perhaps even when I am actually "in touch," I'm not fully immersed. Lately, I've been having random exposure to how different American society is to that of other countries. I watched something on National Geographic about breast-feeding and how some mothers breast-feed up to age 7. Yeah. I don't want to say anything else about that.

I went to a Korean spa. Spa World was a fantastic experience. Initially, D and I had a fit of giggles while we changed into our assigned lounge wear and had to see each other naked. It was also awkward seeing a bunch of naked women, but then once you saw a few, it was like you had seen them all. I did my best to either look people in the face or avert my gaze completely. After about 5 minutes, it wasn't really a big deal at all. There were small children there and they didn't think anything of it. I'm envious of other cultures that don't have all the hang-ups that our society has created. I am happy that I was able to overcome the anxiety of being naked in front of other people.

Another thing that I was really happy about was the full body scrub that I received. When I say full-body... I mean full-body. I was laying naked on a pink plastic table and there were moments where I was fully exposed, spread-eagle, aCOOCHerments on display. The lady was really getting after all my dead skin with her mitted paws. It felt a bit rough at first, but a couple minutes in, I almost fell asleep.

Spa World was just what I needed after the grueling weeks of work stress. Once I got home, I passed out for two hours straight and I probably could have slept for longer if I didn't have plans that evening.

Ahh... Spa World.

I went to Old Town Alexandria today and happened upon a store called An American In Paris. Its owner was 50+ French woman who gave me 15 minute lecture on American society and how it lacks respect and responsibility. She expounded on many different things stemming from an explanation on why she keeps the door of her store locked so that she can let in each customer individually. It was an enlightening experience and if I didn't have to pay rent or eat, I would spend my paychecks there and love every minute of it. Her accent alone made me want to walk out the door with a shopping bag in hand. The items in her store were one of a kind and simply exquisite.

I went to see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 today. There were some moments where I got a little teary-eyed.

Ok... I'm kind of through with blogging for the moment... who knows when I'll be inspired again.

finito

I spent the morning clearing out my office. This experience has been so bittersweet. While I was there, every time I heard a noise, I expected it to be someone on my staff, and it never was. It felt odd not having my radio attached to my hip. I can't believe that this experience is over. We got through the past 2 months. I have my life back.

There is so much I'm going to miss and it was really hard shutting the door to 4151 for the last time and walking out those sliding doors - the 4H will always be special to me. This summer was a roller coaster ride that I got to share with about 30 other people - I think once we get past a certain age, past a certain intensity of environment, we don't have the opportunity for these life-changing experiences.

I have learned a lot these past few months. I think working at the ballet academy and then the LOC killed a part of me. Monotony set in and apathy followed. The program gave me back a sense of purpose, a sense of accomplishment.

I can't even begin to chronicle the challenges that I faced this summer. I will create a short list here that perhaps I'll (most likely not) elaborate on in the future.

- lack of PC team cohesion
- 3 PCs
- we have our first deserter
- 1 bossy, immature, untrustworthy team member
- 40 vomiting scholars, 10 vomiting staff
- fagocious man makes a scene - then quits - "i'll let karma take care of this. all these sick kids was just the beginning."
- negative woman is disrespectful and is fired
- the smoking "pregnant" woman quits on the day the session begins
- bossy team member causes argument leaving some of our best staff in tears
- staff proceeds to slack off

Yeah... I guess that's about it. I've got 3 days in the office coming up. We'll be unpacking boxes, turning things in, wrapping it all up... *sigh*
I don't know if I would do this again. I think part of what made this experience so incredible was the staff. I can't imagine doing it without them.

it's august...

I haven't written in over two months. I haven't really had time to do so because of the hectic work schedule and such. My life has been the program and now there is only one more session left. There were a lot of ups and downs with these past six weeks, but the staff was incredible. I didn't come into this position thinking that I was going to be managing people directly because each of the different staff roles had a program coordinator of their own to answer to, however, when one of our PCs had to go to a different site, I ended up with a phenomenal team of 7 fantastically awesome girls. I think that they are amazing people and I feel lucky that I was able to be their manager.

Among other things that happened this summer, we had an epidemic of sorts - session 4 - the stomach bug that wouldn't quit. It got about 40 scholars and 10 staff members. I was only mildly affected. I didn't vomit my brains out like anyone else, it was more of a body ache and fever.

There were some difficult people to work with, as always, but we've gotten through it.

I'm so extremely tired.

I just spent the day at the beach with 5 other staff members. It was a good time, but now I'm wiped out. Completely.

bad pick-up line

So, I'm at the gas station this afternoon pumping my gas when the guy at the pump in front of me says something to me. Puzzled, because I can't hear him, I probably said, "what" or "excuse me?" Then he says something along the lines of "do you like this car?" nodding his head in the direction of his large orange-red colored vehicle.

***crickets***

Now WHY would you ask me if I like your car? Did you SEE the car I'M driving? Do I LOOK like I care about YOUR car?!?!?

He proceeds to tell me how he's in some sort of club for Element owners and that they have meetings where they get together. What that says to me is that people who own that type of car are douchebags.

After the brief interaction, when it was clear that I had nothing to say about his car or any car, for that matter, he said, "sorry to bother you."

I guess I didn't give him the response that he was looking for...

It has come to my attention, recently, that I enjoy making up plausible interpretations for situations that elude me. My explanation for this guy that asked me about his car is that he is in therapy for his social awkwardness and his therapist gave him an assignment to talk to a stranger. *shrug* Makes sense now, eh?

Somehow my explanation for this also triggered my hyper-sensitive guilt complex and I wonder if I should have talked with Element boy a little more before speeding off on my merry way. *shrug* Someone had to come home to write this blog.

who am i?

I am forgetful. Sometimes I forget who I am. Often times, I'll forget what my interests are, what I enjoy doing on the weekends, even what makes me happy. I think this is a reason why I have a tendency to define myself through my relationships with people or how I am perceived by others. This was a slightly disturbing self-realization.

Tonight I was at happy hour turned dinner with some co-workers - people who I don't really know very well. I found it difficult to engage in conversations with them because I didn't really know what they were about. I admit that I am not taking the greatest interest in them, but I know that I do tend to hang back in new group social situations. There were times in the evening where I felt like I was in the midst of a bunch of social outcasts, but thinking back, I was really the awkward one hanging back in the conversations. I also can't help but think that it has something to do with a racial divide. I am not so sure.

Just last Friday, I hung out with this girl, killing some time in the mall to avoid traffic and I felt like that was completely fine. I do better in one-on-one situations. But then there was another Friday with a bunch of girls after work one day and that was completely fine. *sigh* I just don't know.

Maybe I've already built these notions about people in my head and I'm having a hard time letting them go. Maybe I'm still waiting for things to really click with people... where there is that common ground of understanding. If I can't figure out my relationships with these people, then I'll just be a lost wanderer. We can't have that, but maybe I need to figure out another way to define myself.

Some people define themselves based on what they do or their interests. The things I do or the interests that I have seem so superficial, I am not sure if I would really want those things to define me. So, maybe it's easier to let others do it for me. *shrug* Who knows?

update

So, here I am... about a month in with the new job. I still think it's great. Things have been going well. I've been getting to know my co-workers and all of that is certainly interesting. There are lots of different personalities, some that I would never have encountered if it weren't for this job and teamwork is critical to the success of the program, so we're getting pretty close. The training has been exhausting and I don't see it letting up, since I'll be working six 16 hour-long days a week come June 21st.
I just got back from working out. It's been something that I've put off because I spend so much time driving to work now (or I'm just lazy). I try to tell myself that the 1.5 block walk to the building from the parking lot and the 7+ flights of stairs I climb is enough exercise, but I realize that in just a few weeks, my fitness level has taken a bit of a dip.
I thought there was more for me to blog about, considering this is the second entry for the month. Oh well. I guess that's all I can think of for now.

goodness abounds

I am loving the new job. The people I work with are cool. I get a snack time. I get free unlimited beverages and popcorn. And, I'm not bored! A job with a purpose! It's fantastic. I found out earlier this week that the contract I was working on at the LOC was NOT renewed, so I would be unemployed if I had stayed there. Isn't that something? I am blessed.

Lots of wonderful things are happening to people all around me, so many good things that I can't even remember them all. Teacher Y, who I worked with in San Diego was named Teacher of the Year for San Diego County Schools. F is one of the two best and brightest individuals in her class (the other being her bf!! gasp!). E put an offer on a house. And... what else? I'm sure there's more.

I've been pretty spent with work and such. I'm just trying to get into a routine.

Last weekend my mom and I went to go see J's parents. A good time was had by all. It would have been nice to spend more time there with them. I really love J's parents. J's mom wants to adopt me and I think she wants to adopt my mom too. Hahaha... I never imagined that the meeting of the parents was going to go so well, like they've already known each other for awhile. We didn't even need J though, even though he was on the phone with us a third of the time. I thought my mom would be stand-offish, but she wasn't.

I got to hear cute J stories as well as see some childhood photos. He still looks the same, though his baby picture didn't look as much like him as I thought it would. He looked like a heavy toddler - I guess that's what happens when you start eating table food at 3-4 months.

I miss J. I don't typically like to admit that to myself, but I guess in the midst of all these good and wonderful things, there is the thought that it would be all the more better with him near me. I'm tired and slightly cranky. I'll be going to bed now. That's my update. Don't expect my blogs to be too interesting since my job is actually making me think.