Election Day

I just got back from voting. I woke up around 5 this morning, got dressed and walked over to the polls. There is an indescribable exhilaration about today. One woman in line said that last night was like the night before Christmas!

There has been a huge emotional build-up with this election. I never thought I would feel so invested and connected to a presidential race. Today is monumental... It's a day that I imagine recounting again and again. I almost feel the need to pinch myself! Now, I have to go to work!

Flashing... lights

So, I have now received tickets from DC, Maryland, and Virginia. I've received about a handful of tickets (in the three short years that I've been driving... I guess I'm catching up), but I've only been pulled over twice (darn those traffic cameras). The first time, the officer let me go with no ticket, but yesterday, I wasn't so lucky. I don't even want to go into detail about what I did wrong. Getting pulled over just makes me feel stupid. It's someone calling you out on your mistake AND you have to pay for it. No good.

I just found out that the fine is $30 with a $62 processing fee. I find it rather ridiculous, considering that DRINKING AND DRIVING is a fine of $35 with a $72 processing fee. Next time, I'll just booze it up in the car!

All my run-ins with the law have involved cars, so it makes sense why I took so long getting my license! I should just be a pedestrian.

I love NKOTB!!!

I just got back from screaming my face off for 2 hours straight. I was at a New Kids on the Block concert! Yes, their reunion tour. And it was incredible!!!

I found the posting on craigslist on Monday, picked up the tickets on Tuesday. The tickets were only $44 and they were great seats. Sadly, my pics are still blurry because I couldn't hold my hands steady enough to take decent photos (and I probably need a new camera soon), but N has better pics!

They still have the moves. They still know how to work the crowd. And I think their bodies are even better NOW than they were 15 years ago (If you're reading this J, I expect your body to be just as good when you're pushing 40). Jordan had his solo moment with a button down shirt that was being blown open by a fan. You would not believe his pecs and abs. Danny even breakdanced! They sang every song that you could have wanted them to sing and a few new songs that make me want to go out and buy their latest cd. They were and apparently, always will be the most important musical artists of my life. They were my first celebrity crush/obsessions and I think my last (That's right, Chris Brown... your song lyrics will never be infused into my soul).

Their last tour was when I was 11, so I never got a chance to attend on as a kid. It was a first for both N and I, so I'm glad we got to share our childhood fulfillment with one another. Right when we stepped off the metro at the Verizon Center, I wanted to start screaming. There was such a rush of excitment all around us. It was a highly satisfactory event that I would gladly relive.

Jon sported an Obama t-shirt during one of the sets. I'm so proud that they're still "Hangin' Tough".

weekend

F was in town this weekend and as we were hanging out in her lovely hotel room, I realized that there is an ease and comfort in our relationship that I think only comes from living with someone. She was sitting at the desk pretending to do work (she was actually playing wordtwist..) and I was channel-surfing. I eventually went over to the desk in order to partake in the word twisting, but as I was laying there and enjoying the doing nothingness of our time together, I had a sense of appreciation. I appreciated that we could just be - no unnecessary or awkward chatter, just comfortable silence.

Somehow, each night before falling asleep, we would chat almost endlessly. It was nice, familiar. I'm glad that F and I can still have these times together where we aren't bound by obligations or the wants of others, where we can just hang out and enjoy each other's company because we do know each other so well. Yeah... it was nice. It made me think of other times when we were able to do that back in Boston or San Diego (or LA or San Fran).

There is a closeness that comes from having that one fulfilling conversation about nothing before bed where you're able to allow your thoughts to dissolve and you can melt into your dreams. Ahh... the simplicity. :)

black and blue

In the past few weeks I've been on a 20 foot high trapeze and a 30 foot high ropes course. Hanging in mid-air (well-harnessed, of course) using only momentum and the pithy amount of strength I can muster up, I've come away from both experiences unscathed and maybe even a little impressed at my courageous feats. I've learned to trust the strength of the wires or ropes that hold me and have faith that if I do slip or when I fall, there is something to keep me from plummeting to my demise or you know, breaking an arm.

Over the weekend I was staying at the Ritz-Carlton in DC with F because she has law firm interviews. As I was getting into bed, I slammed my knee into the nightstand. Oh, the pain... I should probably consider wearing a harness on a daily basis because apparently I am too reckless with my body.

realization

I think it's finally hitting me that my roommate is leaving the country. It's a new phase in her life and the part that was ours is ending. Our living arrangement has been the longest commitment (of any sort) that I've kept in the past decade - two months shy of two years. I guess this summer has weaned us off each other a bit because she was never home and I took up brief residence at the 4H. I'm just now settling back into my normal life of seeing friends and having time to do the things I want to do and I guess catching up with my thoughts and emotions.

I've been telling myself and others that she's moving to Paris, but I am only now feeling the sadness in it, the sadness in her leaving. It's by no means an end to our friendship, but one has to admit that something is lost when proximity is no longer a binding element. I know life as I knew it at 8107 had to end eventually, but I didn't think it would be this hard to swallow.

When I left San Diego, it wasn't difficult to come home. I knew that I would see A and that I would always be able to talk to F. I think after San Diego, i was just ready to be home close to my friends and family and to indulge in things that adults should have, like... their own bedroom (I had to share in both Boston and San Diego) and perhaps a job that actually paid versus living off a stipend.

I'm going to miss having roomie around to vent to or to share life's tidbits - you know, those ridiculously minute details that strike you as absurd or funny that no one else would care about if they weren't fully integrated into your daily life. Things just won't be the same, but I guess there is no adventure in that. Looks like it's time to start planning a trip to Paris!

naked

I've been out of touch with the real world for awhile, though perhaps even when I am actually "in touch," I'm not fully immersed. Lately, I've been having random exposure to how different American society is to that of other countries. I watched something on National Geographic about breast-feeding and how some mothers breast-feed up to age 7. Yeah. I don't want to say anything else about that.

I went to a Korean spa. Spa World was a fantastic experience. Initially, D and I had a fit of giggles while we changed into our assigned lounge wear and had to see each other naked. It was also awkward seeing a bunch of naked women, but then once you saw a few, it was like you had seen them all. I did my best to either look people in the face or avert my gaze completely. After about 5 minutes, it wasn't really a big deal at all. There were small children there and they didn't think anything of it. I'm envious of other cultures that don't have all the hang-ups that our society has created. I am happy that I was able to overcome the anxiety of being naked in front of other people.

Another thing that I was really happy about was the full body scrub that I received. When I say full-body... I mean full-body. I was laying naked on a pink plastic table and there were moments where I was fully exposed, spread-eagle, aCOOCHerments on display. The lady was really getting after all my dead skin with her mitted paws. It felt a bit rough at first, but a couple minutes in, I almost fell asleep.

Spa World was just what I needed after the grueling weeks of work stress. Once I got home, I passed out for two hours straight and I probably could have slept for longer if I didn't have plans that evening.

Ahh... Spa World.

I went to Old Town Alexandria today and happened upon a store called An American In Paris. Its owner was 50+ French woman who gave me 15 minute lecture on American society and how it lacks respect and responsibility. She expounded on many different things stemming from an explanation on why she keeps the door of her store locked so that she can let in each customer individually. It was an enlightening experience and if I didn't have to pay rent or eat, I would spend my paychecks there and love every minute of it. Her accent alone made me want to walk out the door with a shopping bag in hand. The items in her store were one of a kind and simply exquisite.

I went to see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 today. There were some moments where I got a little teary-eyed.

Ok... I'm kind of through with blogging for the moment... who knows when I'll be inspired again.

finito

I spent the morning clearing out my office. This experience has been so bittersweet. While I was there, every time I heard a noise, I expected it to be someone on my staff, and it never was. It felt odd not having my radio attached to my hip. I can't believe that this experience is over. We got through the past 2 months. I have my life back.

There is so much I'm going to miss and it was really hard shutting the door to 4151 for the last time and walking out those sliding doors - the 4H will always be special to me. This summer was a roller coaster ride that I got to share with about 30 other people - I think once we get past a certain age, past a certain intensity of environment, we don't have the opportunity for these life-changing experiences.

I have learned a lot these past few months. I think working at the ballet academy and then the LOC killed a part of me. Monotony set in and apathy followed. The program gave me back a sense of purpose, a sense of accomplishment.

I can't even begin to chronicle the challenges that I faced this summer. I will create a short list here that perhaps I'll (most likely not) elaborate on in the future.

- lack of PC team cohesion
- 3 PCs
- we have our first deserter
- 1 bossy, immature, untrustworthy team member
- 40 vomiting scholars, 10 vomiting staff
- fagocious man makes a scene - then quits - "i'll let karma take care of this. all these sick kids was just the beginning."
- negative woman is disrespectful and is fired
- the smoking "pregnant" woman quits on the day the session begins
- bossy team member causes argument leaving some of our best staff in tears
- staff proceeds to slack off

Yeah... I guess that's about it. I've got 3 days in the office coming up. We'll be unpacking boxes, turning things in, wrapping it all up... *sigh*
I don't know if I would do this again. I think part of what made this experience so incredible was the staff. I can't imagine doing it without them.

it's august...

I haven't written in over two months. I haven't really had time to do so because of the hectic work schedule and such. My life has been the program and now there is only one more session left. There were a lot of ups and downs with these past six weeks, but the staff was incredible. I didn't come into this position thinking that I was going to be managing people directly because each of the different staff roles had a program coordinator of their own to answer to, however, when one of our PCs had to go to a different site, I ended up with a phenomenal team of 7 fantastically awesome girls. I think that they are amazing people and I feel lucky that I was able to be their manager.

Among other things that happened this summer, we had an epidemic of sorts - session 4 - the stomach bug that wouldn't quit. It got about 40 scholars and 10 staff members. I was only mildly affected. I didn't vomit my brains out like anyone else, it was more of a body ache and fever.

There were some difficult people to work with, as always, but we've gotten through it.

I'm so extremely tired.

I just spent the day at the beach with 5 other staff members. It was a good time, but now I'm wiped out. Completely.

bad pick-up line

So, I'm at the gas station this afternoon pumping my gas when the guy at the pump in front of me says something to me. Puzzled, because I can't hear him, I probably said, "what" or "excuse me?" Then he says something along the lines of "do you like this car?" nodding his head in the direction of his large orange-red colored vehicle.

***crickets***

Now WHY would you ask me if I like your car? Did you SEE the car I'M driving? Do I LOOK like I care about YOUR car?!?!?

He proceeds to tell me how he's in some sort of club for Element owners and that they have meetings where they get together. What that says to me is that people who own that type of car are douchebags.

After the brief interaction, when it was clear that I had nothing to say about his car or any car, for that matter, he said, "sorry to bother you."

I guess I didn't give him the response that he was looking for...

It has come to my attention, recently, that I enjoy making up plausible interpretations for situations that elude me. My explanation for this guy that asked me about his car is that he is in therapy for his social awkwardness and his therapist gave him an assignment to talk to a stranger. *shrug* Makes sense now, eh?

Somehow my explanation for this also triggered my hyper-sensitive guilt complex and I wonder if I should have talked with Element boy a little more before speeding off on my merry way. *shrug* Someone had to come home to write this blog.

who am i?

I am forgetful. Sometimes I forget who I am. Often times, I'll forget what my interests are, what I enjoy doing on the weekends, even what makes me happy. I think this is a reason why I have a tendency to define myself through my relationships with people or how I am perceived by others. This was a slightly disturbing self-realization.

Tonight I was at happy hour turned dinner with some co-workers - people who I don't really know very well. I found it difficult to engage in conversations with them because I didn't really know what they were about. I admit that I am not taking the greatest interest in them, but I know that I do tend to hang back in new group social situations. There were times in the evening where I felt like I was in the midst of a bunch of social outcasts, but thinking back, I was really the awkward one hanging back in the conversations. I also can't help but think that it has something to do with a racial divide. I am not so sure.

Just last Friday, I hung out with this girl, killing some time in the mall to avoid traffic and I felt like that was completely fine. I do better in one-on-one situations. But then there was another Friday with a bunch of girls after work one day and that was completely fine. *sigh* I just don't know.

Maybe I've already built these notions about people in my head and I'm having a hard time letting them go. Maybe I'm still waiting for things to really click with people... where there is that common ground of understanding. If I can't figure out my relationships with these people, then I'll just be a lost wanderer. We can't have that, but maybe I need to figure out another way to define myself.

Some people define themselves based on what they do or their interests. The things I do or the interests that I have seem so superficial, I am not sure if I would really want those things to define me. So, maybe it's easier to let others do it for me. *shrug* Who knows?

update

So, here I am... about a month in with the new job. I still think it's great. Things have been going well. I've been getting to know my co-workers and all of that is certainly interesting. There are lots of different personalities, some that I would never have encountered if it weren't for this job and teamwork is critical to the success of the program, so we're getting pretty close. The training has been exhausting and I don't see it letting up, since I'll be working six 16 hour-long days a week come June 21st.
I just got back from working out. It's been something that I've put off because I spend so much time driving to work now (or I'm just lazy). I try to tell myself that the 1.5 block walk to the building from the parking lot and the 7+ flights of stairs I climb is enough exercise, but I realize that in just a few weeks, my fitness level has taken a bit of a dip.
I thought there was more for me to blog about, considering this is the second entry for the month. Oh well. I guess that's all I can think of for now.

goodness abounds

I am loving the new job. The people I work with are cool. I get a snack time. I get free unlimited beverages and popcorn. And, I'm not bored! A job with a purpose! It's fantastic. I found out earlier this week that the contract I was working on at the LOC was NOT renewed, so I would be unemployed if I had stayed there. Isn't that something? I am blessed.

Lots of wonderful things are happening to people all around me, so many good things that I can't even remember them all. Teacher Y, who I worked with in San Diego was named Teacher of the Year for San Diego County Schools. F is one of the two best and brightest individuals in her class (the other being her bf!! gasp!). E put an offer on a house. And... what else? I'm sure there's more.

I've been pretty spent with work and such. I'm just trying to get into a routine.

Last weekend my mom and I went to go see J's parents. A good time was had by all. It would have been nice to spend more time there with them. I really love J's parents. J's mom wants to adopt me and I think she wants to adopt my mom too. Hahaha... I never imagined that the meeting of the parents was going to go so well, like they've already known each other for awhile. We didn't even need J though, even though he was on the phone with us a third of the time. I thought my mom would be stand-offish, but she wasn't.

I got to hear cute J stories as well as see some childhood photos. He still looks the same, though his baby picture didn't look as much like him as I thought it would. He looked like a heavy toddler - I guess that's what happens when you start eating table food at 3-4 months.

I miss J. I don't typically like to admit that to myself, but I guess in the midst of all these good and wonderful things, there is the thought that it would be all the more better with him near me. I'm tired and slightly cranky. I'll be going to bed now. That's my update. Don't expect my blogs to be too interesting since my job is actually making me think.

final day at the LOC

My time at the LOC is up. I'm moving on to greener pastures starting tomorrow. I will miss my co-workers. I had a going-away lunch today and it was simply very nice to chat with them. There is so little time for us to just sit and learn about one another and I think if there had been more opportunity for that, I may have enjoyed my job a little more.

Today JO bestowed a lovely gift of Girl Scout Samoas and macadamia nuts to me. We will hopefully reconvene at China Garden soon for dim sum. He is such an interesting man and he definitely makes the time pass at work when he tells his stories. He always says, "Oh, brother." And I always want to say, "Oh, sister," in response, although I've only been so bold as to do it twice. It makes me laugh.

He's quite a character. He's sort of fussy. One time recently, he was trying to send an email at exactly 5:00, but his email was acting up. He ended up sending it at 5:01 and you could see him getting flustered over this minute detail. He's great though. I might even go to one of those chamber music concerts with him. Or just stick to dim sum.

It feels really good to be moving on and doing something new.

Update on Easter Sunday - I didn't enjoy the service at the Chinese Community Church. I'm not sure what it's like on a non-holiday, but it wasn't hype enough for my taste (not that I REALLY need the flag-waving and running around filled with the spirit). I guess I was just looking for people that were more enthusiastic. People sitting behind me were sleeping! I am not sure how to tell Florence (lady I met on the metro) that I don't want to go back. I certainly can't continue going to that boring church!

miss me?

I think my blog has been missing me lately. And I've been selfish, keeping all my self amusement to... well, myself (and a few others). I've been busy and tired. I feel like I've been pretty active in terms of seeing people and things of that nature, which can be a task for me since I need my down time. Anyway, let's catch up.

I think Spring Cleaning has begun. I just put freshly laundered bedding on my bed. If someone walked in, they would have found me practically naked crawling inside of my duvet in order to get the comforter straightened out in there. Ridiculous, I know. Is there a better way to do it? Will someone enlighten me?

Tomorrow is Easter. I think the last time I went to church might have been Easter, two years ago. Sad, I know. Luckily, this year I met a nice lady on the metro this past Thursday who asked me to come to church with her. I think it'll be neat. She's from Malaysia, so her accent is similar to that of my family in Singapore. Something about her seemed familiar, but maybe it was just the fact that she's Chinese. We'll be going to the Chinese Community Church in Chinatown tomorrow. I enjoy meeting strangers. Even if it's only a brief interaction, I think they are sent for a reason.

I think a lot of my random pondering will cease soon because of the new job. I'm happy about this because I need new stimulation. I'm nervous to start this job and also extremely excited for a new challenge. I start on Wednesday!

Alright... I'm going to relax with some ice cream and scrapbooking.

last week @ the LOC

I put in my two weeks notice and JO is totally sad-faced. Every time he passes my desk at work, he makes a sad face. Him and another lady at work said they were going to beat me up since I was making them feel sad. They're cute. I feel bad for leaving, but it has to be done. I was really tired of my job. They got a good eight months out of me. *sigh* I hope that this is the right decision and from where I'm sitting, I think it will be.

stupid love

Infatuation clouds your head. I think it is especially difficult when you have someone avidly wooing you - saying all the right things, pulling all the right moves, etc. This is how we get tricked! You fall so hard because you have this person who is making you their world and it feels good and even if all rationality tells you that it's wrong, something inside of you convinces you that it just might be right. We'll overlook traits and characteristics that we had on our "wish lists" because the euphoria of infatuation makes those things seem so insignificant.

I was tricked with BB. I've been reading my diary from when I was dating him and I'm seeing that I was so blind. The things that I thought I loved about him weren't really him. He told me once that when he was with me, he felt like he was an actor in some romantic movie. Huh? What does that even mean? That should have been a red flag to me that he wasn't being himself with me. In my diary I wrote, "Things with BB are weird. We barely talk... I feel like our chats lack substance/quality... I want us to really become immersed in each other's lives... I just haven't been doing a great job of including him." Actually, I really had been trying to include him, but like my roommates at the time mentioned, he had no personality. Well, he did have a personality, it was just a lame one. And he was really materialistic as well, which was something that I always knew was in his nature.

When I wrote about BB in my diary, I was always saying how I hoped this, hoped that and I also mentioned how I was afraid of getting hurt. I got over BB rather quickly. He said and did a lot of things to hurt me and then seemed to forget that he did those things. I guess being bipolar will do that to you.

Roomie was somewhat tricked with um... the Egg Dropper. Yes, he dropped scrambled eggs on our floor and when she pointed it out to him, he said, "Why didn't you clean it up?" If you don't see anything wrong with that picture, I can't help you. Looking back on her relationship she can site a bazillion red flags.

Every relationship needs some re-evaluation. And I think it's always important to examine anyone's motives for a relationship. Security? Boredom? Convenience? Ideally, not good reasons to be in a relationship. You always hear the phrase "the right reasons," but what are they? We can usually pin down the wrong ones, but the "right" ones don't seem as simple to put a finger on. "Love" just seems too vague. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should be with them because sometimes it's not enough, especially if you don't love yourself or if you have any other looming problems or issues.

This reflection on the past is my way of checking myself in my current relationship. I need to see that this time it is different than with my past relationships. And so far, it is. I don't ever want to look back on this relationship and question the authenticity of my emotions or my assessment of J's character. If there are red flags, I don't want to ignore them. I'd want to instead address them.

It's almost midnight... I just wanted to get some of these thoughts down and to hear what anyone else has to say. I'm curious. Let me know. :)

like my heart is being ripped in two

I had a dream about my grandma last night. I was on a trip somewhere and had missed my flight so I was trying to get in contact with my grandma, but the only way I could do so was through IM. How that worked, I'm not sure, since she was illiterate and non-English speaking. It was a jarring slap in the face to wake up around 6 am and realize that she isn't alive anymore. In my dream I could feel her presence so strongly. It's been almost three years since she passed away, six years since I've seen her, and twelve years since I've heard her voice. The last time I saw her, I was in Singapore for about a week. Every day I was there, the only thing I wanted to do was to go to the nursing home where she was staying and just be close to her. At that point in her life, she couldn't speak anymore. I don't really know why. I'll never forget the moment she saw me though. She didn't know that I was going to be in Singapore, and when I showed up at her bedside her eyes lit up in surprise and disbelief. She couldn't speak to me, but I knew everything in her heart, just the same. I remember holding on to her hand and wanting to just stay like that forever.

I think this was on my mind because my cousin asked me what my grandma's favorite food was. I miss my grandma and I often wonder how different life would be if she didn't go back to Singapore when I was 13. I wish that I could have seen her one last time before she passed away. I guess the only place I really can see her now is my dreams. And though it breaks my heart when I wake up in the morning, feeling her love so closely to the point where I think she is alive, is worth it.

lunch on the outside

I went to Starbucks for lunch today and saw a man wearing a bright green suit with yellow question marks. I want to say he had yellow Crocs on as well. Anyway, I didn't really think anything of it. I thought he was doing a promo. Hahaha. Anyway, my co-worker pointed out that he does commercials for government loans or something. She's also the one that took the picture. That's my second quasi-celebrity sighting this week! Hmm... who will I see next?

channeling blue skies

I am back from Miami. Although, the skies aren't blue here, the temperature is better than it was when I left, so I'm in good spirits. I think South Becah is the only place in the United States (where I would vacation) that feels like another country, very European. It's beautiful there. From the beaches, to the buildings, to the bodies. It's almost disgusting really. It's not so much an ostentatious display of wealth, like in some places, more flaunting the body and I definitely envy the leisure and ease of the lifestyle.

There is something in the water there that makes women tall, beautiful and oozing glamour. It can be a bruise to the ego, but I think I just accepted it and observed it like the social scientist that I am. It's more than obvious that I didn't belong there.

Miami was a great getaway. We got a little, yellow Pontiac as our rental. It was highly economical even though we got jacked in our first valet experience in Miami. It was $24 to park at the Shore Club! I suppose that could be worthwhile to someone who was there for an entire day, but we were only there for dinner. *sigh* You live and learn.

I wish we took more pictures, but I didn't quite have the bronze glow that I had hoped to achieve. And I don't think we really wanted to look any more like tourists than we already felt. Ooh! We had a celebrity sighting! We decided it was not a good look to approach him during his dinner.

The beach was about half a block from the hotel. It was heavenly when the clouds weren't blocking the sun. I even went into the water a bit. It wasn't that cold. I would say definitely warmer than the beaches in San Diego at this time of year, but then again maybe living in perfect weather makes you soft. That might just be it.

I'm sorry if this blog is all over the place. I'm just in an early afternoon euphoria. I got my first facial yesterday. It didn't change my life. It was an all natural spa. I guess I'll go for the chemicals next time and to a spa that's closer to home. :)

I have a thing for Odwalla bars now. They are about $1.50 a pop, I haven't decided how I feel about that yet. I haven't tried their smoothies, though I've heard that they are pretty good. Those are really pricey.

When I got on the flight from Atlanta to DC, I realized that my traveling companion is my roommate. I had forgotten that I live with her. We rarely see each other and she'll be gone this upcoming weekend!

Yeah, so that was my weekend. Time to get back to work!