heavy-hearted

"Will you miss me?"
"Yeah," I replied very non-committally. I would have to think about him. Even though he wasn't always physically present in my life, he was still a presence. I have many memories of him, but I am not sure what kind of imprint they have left, albeit not a very strong or apparent one.

"You don't like me."
My response was a confused look.
"I don't think you like your mom either. You only like your grandma. I can tell these things. You only have her picture in your room."


Our limited shared language forced him to look deeply for context clues. Or is that just the way that parents observe their children? The slightest wobble in my walk and he asks what is wrong with my leg. When my brother squints, he asks if he needs glasses. I had never picked up on any of those things. Maybe the fact that our verbal communication is so lacking makes him work even harder to recognize the subtle nuances in our character and mannerisms.

He has missed years of our lives, but now he puts in such a great effort. Multiple calls in a day. Visits at every possible opportunity. Planning to spend our birthdays with us months in advance. And we never celebrate him. There isn't that much time left for him to spend with us here in America. He will be going back to Taiwan for good soon. Old age and health problems require him to be in a place where he can get the treatment he needs without the burden of a language barrier.

It has been refreshing to have my dad around. My mom is taking a less and less active role in my life as of late because she is so busy with work, her health and Alvin's health problems. It has been an asset for me to have a parent around who wants to buy me groceries and prepare a homecooked meal. I think I'm finally able to allow myself to feel love for my dad, but at the same time I don't know if I can trust him.

I harbored a resentment for him throughout my early adolescence, then when I was in college I developed an indifference towards him. It is such a strange relationship that I have with him. Lately, I feel like he makes more of an effort to communicate with me than my mom does. It is so hard to communicate though. I wish it wasn't as taboo for me to talk about my dad with my mom. Is it possible for me to have both my parents in my life? Is it too much to ask of my mom to help my dad in some way?