stupid love

Infatuation clouds your head. I think it is especially difficult when you have someone avidly wooing you - saying all the right things, pulling all the right moves, etc. This is how we get tricked! You fall so hard because you have this person who is making you their world and it feels good and even if all rationality tells you that it's wrong, something inside of you convinces you that it just might be right. We'll overlook traits and characteristics that we had on our "wish lists" because the euphoria of infatuation makes those things seem so insignificant.

I was tricked with BB. I've been reading my diary from when I was dating him and I'm seeing that I was so blind. The things that I thought I loved about him weren't really him. He told me once that when he was with me, he felt like he was an actor in some romantic movie. Huh? What does that even mean? That should have been a red flag to me that he wasn't being himself with me. In my diary I wrote, "Things with BB are weird. We barely talk... I feel like our chats lack substance/quality... I want us to really become immersed in each other's lives... I just haven't been doing a great job of including him." Actually, I really had been trying to include him, but like my roommates at the time mentioned, he had no personality. Well, he did have a personality, it was just a lame one. And he was really materialistic as well, which was something that I always knew was in his nature.

When I wrote about BB in my diary, I was always saying how I hoped this, hoped that and I also mentioned how I was afraid of getting hurt. I got over BB rather quickly. He said and did a lot of things to hurt me and then seemed to forget that he did those things. I guess being bipolar will do that to you.

Roomie was somewhat tricked with um... the Egg Dropper. Yes, he dropped scrambled eggs on our floor and when she pointed it out to him, he said, "Why didn't you clean it up?" If you don't see anything wrong with that picture, I can't help you. Looking back on her relationship she can site a bazillion red flags.

Every relationship needs some re-evaluation. And I think it's always important to examine anyone's motives for a relationship. Security? Boredom? Convenience? Ideally, not good reasons to be in a relationship. You always hear the phrase "the right reasons," but what are they? We can usually pin down the wrong ones, but the "right" ones don't seem as simple to put a finger on. "Love" just seems too vague. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should be with them because sometimes it's not enough, especially if you don't love yourself or if you have any other looming problems or issues.

This reflection on the past is my way of checking myself in my current relationship. I need to see that this time it is different than with my past relationships. And so far, it is. I don't ever want to look back on this relationship and question the authenticity of my emotions or my assessment of J's character. If there are red flags, I don't want to ignore them. I'd want to instead address them.

It's almost midnight... I just wanted to get some of these thoughts down and to hear what anyone else has to say. I'm curious. Let me know. :)