like my heart is being ripped in two

I had a dream about my grandma last night. I was on a trip somewhere and had missed my flight so I was trying to get in contact with my grandma, but the only way I could do so was through IM. How that worked, I'm not sure, since she was illiterate and non-English speaking. It was a jarring slap in the face to wake up around 6 am and realize that she isn't alive anymore. In my dream I could feel her presence so strongly. It's been almost three years since she passed away, six years since I've seen her, and twelve years since I've heard her voice. The last time I saw her, I was in Singapore for about a week. Every day I was there, the only thing I wanted to do was to go to the nursing home where she was staying and just be close to her. At that point in her life, she couldn't speak anymore. I don't really know why. I'll never forget the moment she saw me though. She didn't know that I was going to be in Singapore, and when I showed up at her bedside her eyes lit up in surprise and disbelief. She couldn't speak to me, but I knew everything in her heart, just the same. I remember holding on to her hand and wanting to just stay like that forever.

I think this was on my mind because my cousin asked me what my grandma's favorite food was. I miss my grandma and I often wonder how different life would be if she didn't go back to Singapore when I was 13. I wish that I could have seen her one last time before she passed away. I guess the only place I really can see her now is my dreams. And though it breaks my heart when I wake up in the morning, feeling her love so closely to the point where I think she is alive, is worth it.