Happy Valentine's Day - my gift to the menfolk

PMS. You know your monthly visitor is on the way because your skin is not cooperating and you have mood swings like a manic-depressive. At least this is how it goes for me. The emotions are so frustrating because it really does have you thinking and acting like a crazy person. One minute I want to cry and then the next I'll be fine. I feel wholly apathetic about things that would typically be important (my relationship, for example) and then I become obsessed with my weight and appearance.

I never know what will irritate me. All of a sudden I am rude and will disengage. And you'll be wondering, is this really the same person who has a "no 'shut-up'" policy in her relationship and gets hugs from the mean lady at work? I feel like PMS apology letters have become a regular thing for me to write to my boyfriend (well, only once or twice). It's like apologizing for someone else. It wasn't me that called you annoying or refused to laugh at your jokes. It was a less-rational, less-sane person who resembles me on a bad-skin and bad-hair day.

Anyway, I'm writing this blog as a man's manual (Hi J!)on how to deal with me (and maybe some other women) when I'm (they're) PMS-ing.
1. Get me moving, physical activity is great to combat the thoughts of "I'm so fat." It might also help me take out some of my aggression... maybe you'd like to be my personal punching bag, because let's face it, my words hurt you more than any blow with my fists.
2. Turn on some of my favorite dance music. Don't force me to dance, especially if your moves aren't quite winning me over. I'll dance on my own when I'm ready.
3. Do something to help me relax - bath, massage, watching Hell Date, etc.
4. Tell me to call F or D. They are usually good at diffusing such situations. F will talk to me about bad television programs or her antics and D can tell me cute stories about her too-cute niece or the latest weirdo in her life.
5. Run an errand or do something nice and unexpected for me to show you care and that you don't just want to suck the life out of me (because the thought does cross my mind while I am in this state).
6. Have a delicious dessert (who am I kidding, just stock the entire kitchen with EVERYTHING) on hand in case all else fails because nothing is going to make any sense for about a week.

Now... the things NOT to do
1. Do NOT make any jokes that are rude in the slightest, even if I would normally laugh at them. I will not be amused and be forced to take it in the worst way possible.
2. Do NOT expect me to be my cute, happy, effervesent self, no matter what. You're only setting yourself up for disappointment and making me feel bad for being this way.
3. Do NOT mention any other female, unless she is dead or in your family.
4. Do NOT let me get away with being a bitch. Recognize the PMS. If you've followed all the rules and my behavior becomes unreasonable, then you need to let me know (nicely).
5. Do NOT take it personally... Monica was so right with that song. That is the PMS anthem.

So, there it is. You know how to deal with PMS now. Happy Valentine's Day to you!